Dear Observer reader, you guessed it (yet again). It’s that time when for those of you who read the newspaper on an irregular basis, or really need the short version of what was hot in Hathian and surrounding areas, we present to you the March 2024 digest; our month in review!
As a reminder in December we posted our Year in Review for 2023 and then in January gave you the first of the ‘Month in Review‘ series followed by February, so dig in if you didn’t already! Another month and Hathian didn’t murder me, so long may that continue and because I survived March, then here’s our monthly recap of our top three stories. Of course there are many others, so do make sure you search and browse our website!
In March 2024 we had 37 main articles published… Investigations, crime reports, gossip, ads and all the rest of things that fill our pages, we even had the Harlots sneak in a supplement for you once reader… bad Harlots. Anyway, here are your Editor’s top three for this month as well as honourable mentions!
Honourable Mentions
March continued the theme (eventually building into the protests) of HPD corruption and in particular mistreatment of women. Although there were some counterarguments advanced, the general view was that HPD was ‘out of control’ and many wanted their say as how to fix it.
A well known Hathian rabble-rouser, Xena-too-many-names was unmasked as in need of a date by her friend Valentia and it’s nice to see that this has all worked out for her, today I read on Twitter that she was getting married to Tabitha… an explosive union. I wonder if Valentia will take credit for match-making?
Over in Hathian’s centre, anti-Asian sentiment was expressed the Harlots group who allegedly were going around looking for people of Asian appearance to beat up in expectation that Asians = Yuugen. This editor would like to confirm that is stupid.
A local homeless man gave the Observer a run-down of his multi-day and multi-act crime-spree… this is a series we hope to continue with as feedback has been universally, “haha – those bitches in high heels, so funny..” and words to that effect. Thanks Hathian. Stay classy.
And Alice Crow was in the news again, with what, after some digging was a murder-spree of her own… (or attempted) Whether HPD did anything about it is unclear as she was later pictured crashing her snowplow into the protest for women’s rights, but yes, she remains a challenging and dangerous individual in Hathian!
Joint Number 3: Stripper-gram scam
David Pink and Delphine Laveau were in the news for being some kind of home invading band of miscreants using disguises to attempt robbery. They were later involved in a street fight and accusations of a missing $75k reared it’s head in the context of police corruption. According to Twitter though David, the Satin Wrangler, has however left the city…
Joint Number 3: Protests Turn Violent (unexpectedly)
The protests that had been building for a while, initially pushed by the Circus in Hathian, led to various exchanges on the Dark Web and other messaging apps. This culminated in a protest outside HPD that resembled a war zone more than anything that could achieve results (Despite Officer Gymsweat’s comments). With the protest leaders having apparently fled, what next for women’s rights and a stand against the Pervert Department? This newspaper thinks new thinking and approaches are needed…
Number 2: Laveau Cultists Commit Suicide
In February’s monthly update we’d featured the string of murders that was taking place in the Backwaters, but it appeared that the Sheriff’s department after hard work and perhaps a few lucky breaks was able to disrupt the cult’s operation sufficiently and as a result some of the perpetrators committed suicide rather than be captured.
Fingers crossed that rituals, flayed bodies and murders at the Wedding Bells chapel have ceased…
Number 1: Yuugen’s Latest Show Turns PG-13
The feared domestic terrorists, the Yuugen, went from masterminding multi–room death-chambers to asking a near seven foot HPD behemoth to murder a rabbit, feed a pig to a gator and then ride a gator that was not Fluffy-size. With HPD officer Aubin safely breezing through these tests, and the Yuugen apparently running the event in the same warehouse again as last time… one wonders if Tori and her band have finally realised; love and honour is stronger than fear and terror? Here’s hoping. Maybe they were just ill on the day or something. But in any case, we understand they are all safely in HPD for a while…
And that was all for March dear readers! Many thanks to Viv, Zofia, Lua, Venus and others for their work, and thank you to anonymous citizen journalists as well. You are doing great work!
As always, catch a reporter in CU, Hathian or Backwaters (we visit as required!) to give us your stories, tips or other information!
