By: Daiyu Tang
Good afternoon readers! Today the Observer has something a little different. We’ve commissioned a series where we have been put in contact with one of the City’s residents who perhaps isn’t in the ‘big league’ of the gangs, and nor are they in HPD or one of the often featured services. Today dear reader, we’re following the adventures of Johnnie Walker, or as he is apparently called on the street ‘Mohamad‘ (for reasons even he doesn’t seem to know). Now, I am aware of the whiskey brand, so am happy to be corrected later if full ID comes to light, but the man is real, his litany of escapades are also as far as we can tell real and therefore, we think you might find this interesting…
The Life of a Street Entrepreneur
As told to Daiyu Tang
Ch. 1 – FDH Gives & Takes
“So like yesterday man, me and this chick, Diza, we made a fake 911 call, saying she was giving birth on the floor of Lou’s right, and then them FDH medics showed up in an ambulance, tried to help her up on the gurney… But when they found out it was just a stuffed teddy bear under her shirt, I jumped our from the alley with a big knife, and told them to give us the medical bag. “
“Well damn, the bag was filled with all kinds of drugs man, was a junkies’ paradise, but then like I went to my normal fence at the pawn shop man, this guy called Sam, and it turns out he works for FDH too, and confiscated my boost… can you believe that shit!?”
Johnnie
Ch. 2 – Fitz’s Spot – Street Lawyer
“This here is Fitz’s spot, he is like a street lawyer man, the smartest person I know man… So this’ere spot is where Fitz will stand with his begging sign, and when he is handling this spot, stretching from Jimmy’s to the pawn shop, no one else can be begging here, since it’s in the law, and others will have to claim another spot for themselves. But if Fitz is not here begging, others can, until he comes back, that’s also in the law…”
Sitting at the spot, it was rather hard to imagine that this was a ‘good life’, but it did give our editor a clear across a lot of the city. Perfect for spotting marks as Johnnie described it.
Daiyu: “Ok… so he sets up there, safe from traffic… kinda… and he can see the street and it’s his turf… patch… something like that, I guess there’s a lot of footfall, not a bad spot at all… so this Fitz person, they’re like one of the ones who knows the street law you mentioned and helps others understand it?”
Johnnie: “Yeah man, its the law… Yeah, Fitz is like… yeah man he is smart, in fact, I’ll show you a hustle we can up with a few days ago and I’m handling the voodoo alley myself, that’s my spot, I even rent a corner of the alley out to Diza, but I’ll show you that set up later man.”
Ch. 3 – Street Law
Johnnie: “Like man, I should probably teach you the basics first man, there’s like a street law and everything, there’s like the original law for the homeless right…”
Daiyu: “Really? There’s laws? And everyone follows these laws, or….”
Johnnie: “What do you mean ‘if everyone follows the law’ man, its the law, bad shit happens if you don’t follow it man…”
Later, Johnnie recounted this story:
“Fitz told me he had met this guy called Eugene, and he had pretended to be a crack dealer wanting to sell Eugene some rock, and when Eugene had paid him a benjamin for the dope, Fitz just started running away with the money and what’s this Eugene idiot gonna do? Go to the cops and report he got swindled out of hundred bucks when he was trying to buy crack!?”
Johnnie
I am not sure I understand street law that well! No honour among thieves and all that.
Ch. 4 – Panties & Things
“So Fitz broke into this bitches’ house here once, and we decided to hit it again, a little B&E, but then it turned out the bitch was home man, so we had to change up, so Fitz told me like to go up and knock, and say I came from the power company right? But then I had like on a bloodied shirt at the time, so when she opened up, I barely had a chance to say anything before she pulled me inside and asked if I had been attacked!”
The row of houses above that Johnnie mentioned, inquiries with the HPD have been made but not yielded a definitive comment either way as to whether the crime was logged or recorded.
“Then I like told the bitch I had gotten attacked by a bear, and that I came from the power company….”
Johnnie
Black Bears (Any bears?) common in Louisiana? Not the greatest lie ever it has to be said!
“So the bitch figured out we were not with the company somehow, not exactly sure how, but she did man, and I pulled out this knife’ere, and told her I’d gut her like a fish if she did anything we didn’t like, while Fitz ransacked the place. So we took the woman’s phone, her purse, her panties, as I’ve read in the Observer you can sell them on Google. I also stole her shoes man, was some nice expensive heels, but I’ll show you later where I pawned them…”
“So man, I told Fitz that I had seen in the movies that people hid shit like bundles of cash in the freezer, but then there was nothing there but frozen beer and whiskey, and the cunt started bitching yeah, so I grabbed a whiskey bottle and hit her over the head with it to make her shut up, and then we left!”
Johnnie
Daiyu: “That was rather violent… and uhhh…. I presume she didn’t like die… or you probably don’t know…”
Johnnie: “Yeah so, no, we left her naked, didn’t do nothing to her though. So on our way out, Fitz also stole a wooden chair, and we lugged it all to Gein…”
No deaths were reported at this address, so as far as we’ve been able to confirm, the lady who was subject to this incident, lives, minus panties (and shoes and stuff).
Ch 5. – ‘Chainsaw’ Charlie aka ‘Cocaine Cowboy’ Charlie
Johnnie: “So we carried all the shit we took from the bitch over here to the Gein because Fitz saw someone he knew, a guy named Charlie that also works at the pawn shop and he is also like a big fence of stolen goods, and he paid me $150 for the iPhone we took from that bitch, and told me to get with Sam, if I had other phones to sell… So anyways, Charlie also sold me some crack here, and he is now my primary dealer, plus some redhead that works at the green house or something… Oh yeah, also met some guy named Nato here, like the military thing, who thought Fitz was a zombie or something… if you ask me, the guy ain’t all there…”
Daiyu: “Charlie Bundy is a man with many talents and oh… Nato… yeah he was kinda tongue-in-cheek voted Hathian’s next top model… but I think that’s a fair comment about being a bit… odd, he’s got a reputation….”
Johnnie: “So yeah, I took the cash and the crack and went to get to bed and call it a night, and get high of course… So next day, knowing I could get money for phones at the pawn shop, I went to Lou’s and stuck them all up with a knife, pretty easy really, there were two girls there and a guy, and I got away with another phone…”
Daiyu: “I’m surprised someone didn’t shoot at you yet! There’s like so many guns in Hathian… So, ok, it’s kinda like a Hathian underbelly cycle of life… Hakuna Matata and all that… circle of life thing… So now Sam is taking phones, stolen, but he wouldn’t accept an FDH drug bag… tsk… misplaced sense of loyalty and all that!”
“Yeah Sam turned out to be a huge douche man, fuck him! Fuck the pawn shop man, I found other fences, but I’ll get to that!”
Johnnie
Ch 6. A Hearty Breakfast
“Anyways, I then went to get drunk and high again, and then I got the cravings, and went to the Clam. There was a line there before me, and I really had to take a piss, so I had to go right in the store against some boxes of coco pops, because I didn’t want to lose my spot in the line man. Yeah so, apparently the piss spilled down the shelves and left a pool of .. well piss on the floor, and the clerk started screaming at me to get out, but I was also hungry, and couldn’t just leave like that, so I grabbed two boxes of Frosties and one Cheerios that were still dry, and I ran!”
Johnnie: “Then I rounded the corner by the butcher shop and saw Sam and Charlie up ahead, and I sold the phone I got at Lou’s to Sam for $160, and then turned around and bought crack from Charlie for that same amount, and I even gave Charlie’s girl a free cereal box, because I’m such a charmer and then I went to get high and sleep”
The Observer went to the Clam and spoke to a clerk there who agreed that Johnnie had been seen. We imagine he is banned and if Nuku has anything to say about it will be at risk of worse… Em Bundy also gets all the gifts doesn’t she? She’s a sweetheart!
Ch 7. Bitches About Town Be Stupid
Johnnie: “I like to watch people and I learn a lot about people in this town from doing so man, and I gotta tell you… the bitches in this town are the dumbest cunts I’ve ever met, as they still haven’t figured out that you can’t run from a mugger wearing stiletto heels on the broken pavement of Hathian.”
Note to self. Wear flats more often.
Johnnie: “So I saw this therapist, looking real sexy, a bit like my daughter actually, and she was wearing expensive clothes, and you guessed it, high heels, in the middle of Hathian, asking to be robbed, hell she should thank me I found her first and not some bones that would eat her buttocks for breakfast or some shit man”
“So anyways, I walked up to the therapist, asking for some spare change so I could get a meal, and this cunt tells me she ain’t got no money? Like how stupid does she think I am, so I pull out my knife and say I want her shoes and panties, or I’m gonna cut her up like origami, and yeah man… she tried to run in those stilettos, stupid whore, and she knew she had to get rid of them, so she threw them at me, and I took them and ran”
“Oh yeah, it also goes with the story, that I’ve seen in movies, that to make people really scared, you gotta act insane and stuff, so I growled and barked at her like a dog, which terrified the shit out of her, and then I howled like a wolf when I chased her down!”
“I found this thrift store down on grand massacre, a second hand clothing store, and I’m hoping they will buy the expensive heels from me, now that I got two pairs.”
So reader, just be a bit careful of second hand heels from the store above! You might find former owners calling you out on them…
Ch. 8 – Protest for Women’s Rights
Johnnie: “Now this bring us to the protest for women’s rights, as I exploited that situation like a smart business man I am…”
“I didn’t even know there was a protest before I saw all the barricades and stuff, and the SWAT van, and all the cops were busy doing their own things, so I snuck up behind the van, and started urinating on it, just to fuck with them, but then some blonde cop saw me and went all apeshit with her baton man, I barely got out of there alive, was some real Rodney King shit man!”
Johnnie
I expect that to be Lizette, or perhaps Lyssandra. If it had been Vanora then Johnnie might not even have had a leg left to stand on; that van (riot) is precious to her!
“Later the thought struck me though… if all the cops are tied up at the station, then there’s no one enforcing their law in the rest of the city right? So I exploited that like a motherfucker, and grabbed my shopping cart and wheeled it over to the motel, and then started to loot the heatwave fans out of each room… now I just gotta sit on those until summer hits, and I’ll be making bank on selling those back to them man!”
Johnnie: “But while I was there, I got back at those fuckers, because they left one of the hoses attached to a fire hydrant all alone, so I sliced that shit with my knife man, so all the water spilled into the road instead, then I went and broke into one of their ambulances to steal some syringes, and I pulled my pants’ down and took a shit on the floor of that ambulance, because, fuck them man!”
The Observer does not condone abuse of FDH vehicles which are for life-saving and critical care. You never know when you might need them.
Ch. 9 – Poisoned Apple
“So anyways, next day I went to the hooker street, and saw this woman standing in front of that tattoo parlour, and I asked her for some spare change, and she got all nasty, telling me to get a job, and started shooing me like a dog, and guess what… she wore platform heels, yeah I taught that bitch what was what, and stole the jewellery she wore right off of her body, sadly it turned out to all be cheap plastic!”
Johnnie: “Anyways, after finding out the jewellery was fake, I went to get high, and then had another idea.. so I went to Hathian motor place, and found a floor jack at the junkyard, and some tools, and I used it on a taxi parked in front of Lou’s while the guy was inside getting drunk, and I stole his two rear tires right underneath the mans nose, and carted them off like I was never there… I then went back to Hathian motors where I met some long hair dude, and sold the tires to him for 30 bucks, and he told me, that if I had other things to sell, car parts, car stereos, even jewellery, that he would buy it off of me!”
The story above has been corroborated as far as possible with independent sources. The Hathian Observer does not encourage, facilitate or support violence against the person or against municipal or private property. The views of the main instigator in this article, ‘Johnnie Walker’ should not be taken as a creed for life, nor an example how to live a good life.
If you are in need of substance abuse help, reach out to the HGH, the HCS or the CU Clinic. Remember, substance abuse drives decisions to crap in ambulances and beat people up for their panties. It doesn’t have to be this way.
Finally, doesn’t this go to show how it’s not always the big things, or the big scary gangs, that touch the most of us? Something to think about….
Fin. (For now…)
((An article celebrating the smaller stories where dedicated roleplayers get into scenes with everyone to give them a little story. Many thanks to Johnnie’s typist for the hilarious interview and traipse around town and thank you to everyone who was involved in his story, you make Hathian alive and lived in…))
