By: Valentia Cakes-Pearl-Hopper
Hi there dear readers!
You might know me from around Hathian, my name is Valentia Pearl-Hopper, although that last name I’m not even sure about, waiting on genetic testing and all! Todays’ topic is not however about genetics, family history or who came from whose doodlehooper no, todays’ article is about getting into someone’s clown hole! Who? Well, my Friend Xena Adachi-Rodtriguez-Clary-LaSalle (there are three other names here but I really cannot remember them, and when I asked Xena for comment, all I got in response was a very drunken and slurred “Val! Fuck off I’m taking a shit!“).
Now for many people, this list of names that is longer than my own failed diets and includes adopted names, failed marriages and possibly the evidence of an inability to hold down long term commitments, might be seen as some kind of personal flaw or failure!?
But I say “NO!”
This is in fact character polish! The ability to so carefreely throw herself so many times into failure against all odds and then still attempt it again the next week? It is in fact a quality I wish everyone possessed! To so stubbornly throw yourself into something so many times with clear unending abandon? That is certainly a rarity and a trait that more should posses. Now, some might say that its the trait of the mentally ill, the silly, the arrogant or even the reckless, but I submit to you it is based upon Xena’s heart. That cannot help but overflow with love for her fellow man and or woman.
Xena herself has many friends and has many people who would come up to bat for her! Just listen to what some of her friends have to say about her!
“I heard that Xena had a kid with Fyre“,
“absolutely loves pink….and she loves to be called babygirl, it makes her all fuzzy inside”,
“Enjoys Mexican food, almost too much”,
“Potentially one of the wildest people I’ve ever met!”
“Honestly, if I was single I’d hit that ass from every angle, Sunday to Monday”
“pure grace, eloquent. always dressed in her best”
Arren Shepard: “She secretly wants me.”
As you can see Xena has a rich friend and social life, her general hobbies include filming (she even owns a small studio in the backwaters), her own small store located near Slims Goodies (which is probably why all the clothes from there smell like waffles), a gentle interest in pharmaceuticals which she pursues in her off time, and a love of handcuffs.
What Xena is looking for in a partner is someone to hold her… take her on long walks on needle filled beaches, movie nights (snuff included) and someone who can cook Croatian food (and Mexican?), with a reasonably sized dong and/or Vagina. Equal Opportunities.
Now I’m not here to say Xena is faultless! Not by any means, some of you may have heard some rumours, here and there that Xena hates Asians, and maybe some of you have been to her store with the waffle smelling sign that says “Absolutely No Fucking Asians” and think to yourself ‘Well that woman is a clear racist‘ but again I say to you NO! Xena is just a deeply passionate woman and the one skill she has never been able to master is chopsticks, every time she tries she breaks them, even the metal ones (get a load of that finger strength ladies) and that leaves her very sensitive to her cultural failings.
Throughout this entire article, I’ve not once mentioned Xena’s physical appearance, and maybe by now some of you are already touching yourselves imagining all this previously mentioned hotness, or maybe you are worried I’ve built up her personality because she’s some hideous troll woman, with bad breath a unibrow and an un colour co-ordinated outfit. But no, Xena is nothing so horrible! I want you to lie back with your biggest gallon of lubricant, Korean microfibre cloth, light your candles and picture this. Melissa Fumero (of Brooklyn 99 fame) with a well proportioned and thick ass. I am talking bounce… a whole ROLL of quarters off that thing kinda fine. Long brown hair, soft supple skin, and pouty kissable lips (and I don’t just mean on her face).
I hope this article has encouraged you, to the next time you see Xena, ask her out on a date, ravish her in the bushes, and maybe, make her next marriage her last.
Valentia Cakes-Pearl-Hopper
