By: That tramp Maja
Hello! Maja here, I won’t ask if you missed me, I know you did. (July 2025 your last ‘article’ – you pop up like a bad rash – Ed)
I’m just poking my head in once more to check on how all my lovely Demons and Devils of Hathian are doing. Well that and I have another not so well well sealed package of pure Halloween appropriate ghoulish truth for you all, although I acknowledge it is closer to Christmas Easter now. (Art takes time what can I say?)
Dispelling Rumours
But before the main course I must address the rumours being spread about me… Imagine that! Someone telling spurious lies about others, the nerve! Anyway, some supposed fire chief or another spread a rumour that I am someone I am not, I am proud to say that is nonsense. I am no much more them, than I am Bryce from the Rejects. I am masked in anonymity (Your butt isn’t – Ed) and rumours of who I really am must be taken with a pinch of whatever it is you have on you! (You’re Bethari – you have Corbin fetish. We know this – Ed)
Kink Shaming
With that admin out of the way, its time for the meat, butter and potatoes you’re all here to carbo load on before never getting around to that run the next day. Stay in, you deserve it.
My editor here at the Observer, Miss Daiyu ‘Tiny Tata’s’ Tang has developed some nasty little kinks and habits to fulfil them. ‘But Maja!’ You might say, ‘Isn’t this private and personal? Who cares what someone does in the privacy and safety of their own bedroom? Who are you to expose someone’s bedroom life? Isn’t this just low brow base tabloid sleeze? How do you come up with such cutting edge journalism?’ To those people I would say… One, thank you, I am great. Two, this is Hathian, if you’re expecting high brow, then sorry to dash your expectations more than a Tinder date. Three, what if its not the privacy of a bedroom but the open cool air of a graveyard and a dug up daddy? A Boner Daddy. Huh? HUH? (Stanley – this is total trash, making me publish this shit is demeaning…)
I’ve covered a lot in the past, cannibals, creeps, Tori’s fatty sidefuck, metal wangs and HGH cum barrels. Never before have I ever covered any form of banging the dead (perhaps out of a desire to protect the last shred of innocence I still hold onto), which is why it should ever be appropriate that we begin this story with that kooky swamp family, The Hoppers.
You see a little while ago they suffered a loss of their numbers, dear beloved Grandpa Hopper (may he rest in pieces – I say pieces because I’m fairly sure they feed their dead to alligators as some form of swamp ritual). Grandpa Hopper you see before his unfortunate passing was being interviewed by two reporters Zofia and our own BBC (British Born Chinese – but I hear she also manages the other) Princess of News, Daiyu Tang.
Now if you go back and read the article, (which I do encourage you to do as despite everything Observer staff do work hard) Zofia does all the heavy lifting, she does the questioning the chatting and the writing. So why was Daiyu there? She just happens to be there when the old man croaks? Just happens to be around a family well known for their… less than savoury reputation. Sure Daiyu said she was just doing spot corrections but… why? This isn’t standard procedure for these articles. I’m sure she will tell you some very tall tales despite her short stature and you may even be convinced by some of them however, I’m here to offer an alternative take.
Daiyu ‘does’ the dead.
We’ve all heard the rumours around her, the late night trips to the graveyard, the odd pieces of mortified flesh you find on her desk (she says it was Rejects, but nahhh), that femur with the oddly worn down and polished looking side she keeps by her desk that she says is probably says is just for history. Daiyu spends her entire time pissing off every single gang banger imaginable, and despite the facial scaring and being so flat she makes the salt flats look hilly, she’s still Asian so she’s not entirely unattractive. Despite that she has no hordes of admirers and I bet the last living penis to enter her jade gate was what’s his name, that cop everyone hated, Lankus or something. So why? What stops her from getting laid more recently? There is only one possible reasonable outcome. Her ‘tendencies‘.
It explains so much about her, the lack of sex, the Goth attire, that belt wrapped around the pipe she has in her gallery that has a platform justtttt the right height under it so she wouldn’t accidentally fully hang herself completely, all the pieces fit so comfortably…
This is Maja once again signing off reminding you all to keep your eyes open and your faces masked in anonymity. (Dead Maja Walking… – Ed)
You can read the rest of Maja’s ‘writing’ if you… really wish…:
HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE and HERE and if you really want to read about Simon’s spank bank, HERE.
OWNERS NOTE: The Editor of the Hathian Observer is a position that does not, Daiyu, allow you to spike stories that involve you, especially when they cover controversial topics that some may find exciting and thus buy papers, subscriptions or access to my VIP ‘Page 3’ collection of Hathian girls. Your motion to spike this article is thus denied.
