By: Maja – Gossip Contributor
Hello again fans of MIA!
As many of you have seen my previous article about the metal mans’ mechanical member, I figured I should take sail upon the churning high seas of rampant speculation important news. Today’s article comes from a long standing question that many Hathianites have had. Why does the Jolly Burned Giant NATO, hate blondes?
Its a puzzling question really! Stereotypically blondes have oft been considered the default beauty standard by many outlets, magazines and groups. Take for example Bryce Camden who with his previously near blonde frosted tips was often considered the prettiest blonde Reject from that very fact alone. So why does NATO hate that which is loved? Hatred? Fear? Years of unpacked and suppressed emotional trauma that have left him devoid of any hope and a fear of Blondes? Jealousy? Now that last question Ladies, Gentlemen and those in that wonderful spectrum in-between, was perhaps closer to the truth that one might first guess.
Its obvious to anyone who has seen NATO that his head is barer than the list of people who assumes Daiyu means British Born Chinese when she first says BBC (Strike 1 – Ed). We are instead left with stubble… and questions! What was NATO’s original hair colour for example? Brown? Orange? Or… Could perhaps by any chance it of been Blonde? Now that is the actual meat of the question and it has come to this journo’s attention via an an old photo of our favourite NATO, WITH BLONDE HAIR.
Take a good look people this is clearly indisputably photo evidence (despite it being old) of NATO with a small mop of clearly BLONDE HAIR. Now some may suggest this is some sort of wig that NATO was wearing at some time and to that I say evidently not! Lets not forget people that it was NATO that strutted confidently down the Hathian’s museum runway, in nothing but a towel and NO wig topping his beautifully bald 1980’s predator head, which means what reason would NATO have to wear a wig? He after all WON that beauty contest quite handily so no! There is no chance it was a wig at all, case closed.
Which means that something happened to NATO that involves his hair and perhaps tied to his loss of it. This submitter concludes that NATO is jealous of the blonde community with their thick luscious locks and his complete lack of them triggered by some sort of tragic accident, perhaps he was involved in a tragic scalping accident with a lawn mower? The unfortunate side effect in one of many of attempts to make designer drugs? Or as this is a pre burn NATO maybe his hair was burned off along with the same fire that took his rosy boyish face?
After all this evidence I for one can feel very certain in saying that the real reason that NATO hates blondes is his own insecurities shining through bright at clear like the sun off his head. Perhaps NATO will eventually learn to love his lack of hair, and then too perhaps his Blonde brothers and sisters. Perhaps one day NATO and Bryce will shake hands rather than fists and finally, NATO will learn to love the full range of the hair colour spectrum. To celebrate this spirit I am including a mock up of what our favourite left testicle faced man looks like with hair for all to see (see banner for article!).
This is Maja once again singing off. But I’ll be back… maybe for you! (Especially if they have a robodick? – Ed)
Editorial Note: The Hathian Observer while accepting of gossip as part of keeping Hathian entertained and potentially finding new stories wishes it to be noted, that hair (lack, or not) is kinda weird to tease someone about. Whether he is blonde, or even if he wear’s women’s clothing at the weekend, we are an accepting and tolerance society in Hathian, so yes, while Nato’s abhoerence for Blonde women is interesting, one suspects that there is more to it than Maja-Freud’s analysis here– Daiyu
((Maja is a player. Posted with OOC consent))
