By: Maja – Gossip Contributor
Hello again to those part of the MIA! You can watch this quick clip and then get an idea of where we’re going!
Welcome back to a brand new day and a brand new article discussing the hard hitting facts from your humble town. Today is going to be something of a field trip, my dear MIAs, for we are going to be joined by a Hathian legend, folks; Tori Yamato!
A round of applause for our dear local Tomato! Thankfully she will not be having any hand in writing this edition because she scares me and, to be completely honest, I’m fairly certain she’s part cat and eats batteries. No, today she will be joining us in a much different sense… And not just with this public (and slightly gratuitous? – Ed) shot we found!
The meat of today’s article is in fact about Miss Yamato’s partner and his return to Hathian. Who is her partner you might ask? Well, it’s Elben ‘More-than-one-Snack’ Sandusky. He is often overlooked due to his far more (in)famous partner but it should be noted that Elben does (can) of course stand on his own two feet. He, after all, has a successful social media profile, co-founded the Yuugen, and was the man who literally lit the match that burned down the old hospital. Yes, we are referring to the notorious Yuugen raid on the HGH, which was orchestrated and carried out last year and which my editor can’t let go (just like her BBC acronym).
Now, this news of Elben’s return might of been worrying for some? I’m sure the knuckles of many readers’ tightened at the name ‘Elben’ and elsewhere tightened even more at the news that the man is back? It’s likely that officials like the mayor will be worried about public expenditure that could suddenly be needed for the hospital or other public facilities, which often happens in this man’s wake. You know what? I’d bet good money Simon LeMarchand is glad he invested in those brown pants at this news. But it turns out Simon and the mayor might be better served using that money being set aside for something else, like say… reinforced seating?
Putting him into Frame
For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. Sandusky, let me begin with painting you a picture of the Elben many others know and loathe. Thick stylish blonde hair that frames a powerful jawline, light grey eyes that would make even Artemis rethink her maidenly virtue… A powerfully built physique, lean and toned from the streets, with a gusset either side of his abs which no doubt leads to a thick (CENSORED). However, that is no longer the case! Those meeting with Elben now will find a far different man than I described, as that Greek God physique has turned Irish. That is to say, he’s gone from Adonis to A-Dublin in size. He’s gone from carved out of marble, to carved out of a potato. From ‘oops there go my panties’ to ‘snapping elastic ‘oof there goes the bed frame’. Yes, there is no truly polite way of saying this, so I will let the immortal words of Scott Steiner do it for me… “HE’S FAT!” – and you can hear it in our embedded video above!
Yes, you heard that correctly. Elben is Enormous. I don’t mean the man has a dad bod. I don’t mean the man has a cute winter coat. I mean this man has Estelle from the Gein salivating at her profit margins (The Observer wishes to remind readers that the Gein’s meat has recently been tested – Ed). The man is a few pounds short of looking like a blonde male version of Tess Holliday kinda chunky… But this begs the question how? How did the once slender and well built man turn into an advert for America’s growing obesity epidemic? This contributor has many theories. The first one leads us back to our well known arrogant and vain Tori Yamato being a chubby chaser. But many of you will, of course, scoff at that notion as Tori is known to be in a long term (probably) toxic relationship with the man hunk that was Elben Sandusky. Even if there is far more hunk to this man than before? Perhaps that Japanese cow has an affinity for American beef for all these years has she used her affinity for patience to finally have her love, Elben, turn into Hathian’s blonde Peter Griffin.
But we here at the Observer MIA are loathe to admit that Elben has his own agency. Perhaps this is a dedicated choice by Elben. After all, it’s well known by many that the physique of looking like a drain clog with the hair picked out, ranks highly amongst many women in terms of attractiveness. (People will get sarcasm, right?). Maybe this is just as simple as Elben feeling left out? Most other gangs have their dedicated ‘fat one’ and maybe Elben wanted to keep up this most dear of Hathian traditions. After all, the Vipers have Ros, the Rejects have Piper, the police have Porkins. And now? The Yuugen have Elben!
Perhaps this columnist is too wrapped up in hope that this is the start of a trend. After all, anything that makes the gang members easier to catch, makes our streets that little bit safer? Right?
This is Maja signing off!
Editorial Note: The Hathian Observer while accepting of gossip as part of keeping Hathian entertained and potentially finding new stories wishes it to be noted, that fat (lack, or not) is just a human characteristics and not a serious reason to tease someone about. Whether fat or thin, or even if he wear’s a bra for support, we are an accepting and tolerant society in Hathian, so yes, while Elben’s love handles&handles&handles is gossip, one suspects that there is probably not as much to it as Maja’s analysis; just calories – Daiyu
((Maja is a player. Posted with OOC consent))
