By: Maja – Gossip Contributor
Welcome to the only OFFICIAL Soft News group in Hathian (take THAT Hathian XXXposed you nerd).
As many readers are aware there have been many rumours circulating about Hathian’s own newly resurrected police officer “Carter Ellis” also known as “Frenemy” “Elly” “Rapeocop” and “Cartwheel” to his friends.
Now some of you might know Mr Ellis very well, he has been on our streets for some time, and rumours of his demise were seemingly greatly exaggerated, as the man is back terrorising on our streets, including being seen at innocent and legitimate businesses such as the Pawn shop and Hathian motors.
Since his supposed death, Mr Ellis has had seemingly had an remarkable transformation, one that perhaps only the most dedicated of Warhammer 40K fans could admire. Mr Ellis has been spotted with a variety of replacement parts, including perhaps most notably his left arm and his once handsome, attractive, punchable? unmarked face has had notable work done, which unfortunately anyone with an Archer like fear of robots will NOT enjoy.
But the real meat of the question today is, after all that work, all that effort gone into saving the man, what was saved? And what couldn’t be…
Yes today’s question today is “Does Officer Carter have a metal cock?” Now this seems like maybe rampant unjustified speculation, but this contributor and several other witnesses have heard distinctive thunks of metal when officer Carter has turned around. Again some might say this is conjecture or that I “made the sound myself” but I’m here to tell you with ABSOLUTE certainty that people are talking and that Corporal Ellis has in fact not only given up part of his humanity but also his manhood as well.
This question does not come close to covering the full breadth of this bombshell of a question, after all Ellis himself has boasted his elite levels of testosterone (Something well known to cause testicles to shrink) perhaps this has spurred some change to let the ego match the equipment? Some people have even suggested that Carter insisted on certain features, like vibration, water resistance, gold plating and a Prince Albert.
We wonder if this was done in order to compensate for something, (this contributor is certainly expecting it to be!) and while many pin their hopes that they never find out, the only thing that can be for sure, is that the next person to sleep with the Corporal might be able to use the metal member for some targeted internal cooling in these hot months.
This is Maja signing off… for now…
Editorial Note: The Hathian Observer while accepting of gossip as part of keeping Hathian entertained and potentially finding new stories wishes it to be noted, that whatever a man (or woman) has under their uniform is their own business and while thirsty people like Maja may wish to know more, many of us think that letting sleeping dogs lie is the best bet. In other news, we will of course be featuring the perspective of Officer Carter as we have clearly misreported his death and would welcome his view in clearing up how that happened and who might be to blame. We believe in fresh starts. – Daiyu
((Maja is a player. Posted with OOC consent))
