By: Daiyu Tang
As the Observer approaches our milestone of being your source of news in Hathian for over fifteen years I have commissioned (my sadly skeleton staff of copywriters) to trawl our archives of print and online editions to find some articles that I personally found interesting that covered, from what I can see, notable Hathian events and Citizens. Sometimes there’s a bit of overlap with the final two articles in this series (Gangs… The HPD) but I think I’ve managed to find a few things to think about. Apologies if we’ve missed something you care about, but you can still submit this on Twitter to the threads for these articles, or write in to us at the Observer!
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Our Approach
We will provide an image from the article, a link to the original copy and then a little bit of my own thoughts as a resident of Hathian for coming up to three years… We hope you will find that interesting, with the past dragged up (kicking and often screaming) to the surface again.
And we’ll do it by year… All the way to 2022, after that point we started our ‘Year in Review‘ articles… One, two or at most three articles per year. So without any more distraction, let’s go back…
2008 – Columtreal Ground Broken
As a current student of Columtreal it pains me to know that in just twenty years parts of our College look like a murderous swarm of cheerleaders has rampaged through it.
Never-the-less, it’s fair to say that the concerns of ‘Town and Gown’ have not really changed. Our article in 2008 worried about tensions, drink and drugs but sex, sex never changes… Lars Calhern was said to have established a ‘Rub Too Much Scholar Fund’ in an effort to get students off to University. One of his hopes was that they would, post education, at lease be able to afford a massage from the Rub n’ Tug. Stay Classy Hathian. The University formally opened in January 2009 with cries of ‘tits, ass and beer’… I would like to say things have changed… some.
2008 – FDH Chief Mondegreen Dies in Fire…
The FDH has a reputation for danger during the period I’ve been a reporter. Whether it’s been the slow cracking of a Chief into a Gang Member (and Ambulance Abuser) or staff being ambushed and shot and killed, being in the FDH is no joke. It’s hard, dangerous work and in 2008 the FDH Chief, one Callum Mondegreen passed away during a building fire. Crushed to death, he apparently died after rescuing a victim.
Hathian is built on Emergency Services and the Observer suggests we shouldn’t forget them.
2009 – Younger (Now Old) Dude Entwines City With Love
While I’m sure we will feature this man again in our series on Gang Stories, I must admit to being surprised by the flowing prose and feelings expressed by the journalist who wrote this ode to Parnell Urquhart, deemed a ‘Prisoner of Love’ for what he was doing in Hathian.
Now, fast forward to 2024 and I am not so sure this flowery article would pass my review, but beneath the unquestioning validation of Urquhart’s approach does lie quite a bit of interest. Readers, with an interest in the Rejects are encouraged to give it a read…
Note the image is not of Parnell. It has to be admitted, he is a bit more scary.
2009 – Assistant DA Reifsnider has ‘Pathetic Wiener’
Showing that the legal profession in Hathian hasn’t improved a huge amount (and yes the constant radio ads for Game of Thrones sounding lawyer Davlos aren’t making me change my mind, it appeared an old Assistant DA in Hathian was caught with his trousers down cross-dressing. Now people can wear what they want, (black is a colour, fight me), but if you’re prosecuting criminals. With our source reporting that the ADA was reported to scream “I’m not fit to clean the dirt off Rudolph’s hooves!” it appears that the legal profession has changed relatively little in the last fifteen years.
2010 – Hathian is Prone to Plane Crashes
Look, I get it… we are on a Storm Coast, but how unlucky is Hathian (and HFD in the space of less than a year – losing their chief and their HQ….)
In this article it appeared that a storm also wreaked havoc by causing a large airliner to crash onto the FDH.
Hathian is prone to rebuilding after a disaster and this was no exception… FDH went to bigger and better headquarters and while the loss of life was regretted, some later interviewed thought the rebuilding was a good thing!
2010 – There’s Something Fertile in the Water
Yes dear reader, that 2024 rumour you hear that Hathian has (had?) higher fertility rates than most places isn’t an Urban Legend and won’t be debunked.
The Observer reported that Health Officials had found significant fertility drugs in the Hathian water supply and unlike every other town (except Flint, Michigan) declared that you could still drink contaminated water as long as you used condoms or other birth control… Only in Hathian…
2010 – Titty Twister – Bang for your Buck
I don’t know about you reader, but I do sometimes go to the TT for conversation, a bit of gossip gathering and sometimes to see some skin.
Well, if you’d gone there at the end of 2010 you’d have likely been blown… up.
A mass explosion not only destroyed the strip club, but also saw the destruction of over half of this little Louisiana town…
Rebuild after explosion? ‘The Hathian Way’.
2011 – Mayor Boxer Wins – Seems More Together Than now
Mayor Boxer has been a feature of Hathian for my time here. The rather odd mayor having had beef with HGH and HPD… Been rather at sea around storms and generally more happy with ‘sexcretaries’ than actual governing so it was a surprise to see there was an actual election he was in, which he seemed to win.
With Boxer being a pain in the butt in 2024 it does appear than back in 2011 he had more sensible things to say, for example: “There’s no place out there for graft, or greed, or lies, or compromise with human liberties”
Nice to see in 2024, he’s forgotten all that!? I also found it funny he was fired in 2015 by a Council of Hathian residents for drug use… but has had the last laugh, because we’ve not got a council now!
2011 – We all Knew Gein had Human Meat. Urban Legend was True.
Not one dear reader that I wanted to really find more evidence, but yes the HPD and others confirmed to us that the article linked was evidence that Gein, really did have human patties.
While new owner Estelle is… different… one would really hope after all the burger testing that’s been done the last few years that except for trace cocaine and a few other bits and pieces, we are no longer munching on HPD officer, or citizen.
Speaking of who did it…
2011- The ‘Headless Harvester’ was Hung. Citizens Liked Final Punishment
A multiple murderer and our most popular article by far in our archives. I know reader, you yearn for a team when HPD actually ended threats and the law supported it. Now terrorists are on some kind of revolving door of crime, catch, release… Blame the judges they say, but back in 2011 it seemed HPD was quite happy to do a hanging…
With the ‘Harvester’ behind a range of gruesome murders it was an example of when the wheels of justice moved…
2012 – Ellis Millet Never Changes (But Maybe a bit More Wrinkly… now)
The name Ellis Millet comes up on Twitter from time to time for me. We’ve got all these old timers talking about their crimes and let’s face it, 2012 is a long time ago.
One name that does come up, not linked to a gang, is that of Millet who shares various family connections with Ryder, Buffy and other names in Hathian and Columtreal that often feature.
With his crimes going on in 2012 it should be no surprise reader that I continue to warn you away from him in 2024.. although it’s hard from this picture to tell whether running from him was easier then or now…
2012 – Before Hathian Against Corruption there was Citizen Protection Group… Hmmm.
Look, everyone knows I am all for not being exploited by gangs or HPD and it’s great to see citizens coming together.
I found it quite interesting to see that in 2012 so many businesses joined that are now considered Gang related…. Hathian XXX… The Slab… Hathian Motors… the 24 Hour Pawn…
It seems just like HAC, that an attempt to pry the hands of the Rejects and others away, while a great idea… failed. Sadly.
2013 – When you have Daddy Issues
Look above how I said Ellis Millet was everywhere? Well it would be even worse if he was your daddy, but also probably even worse if you hired someone to kill him. Patricide and all that…
So this is what Hathian Diner boss Alexandra Markus was alleged to have done due to abuse and trauma at the hands of Millet.
Hathian is kinda known for dysfunctional relationships, but trying to get your dad made dead… that takes some beating. Literally.
2013 – Crows Can Roller-skate
While there were a lot of other good articles in 2013 (our HPD series will cover the huge takeover that happened) this one caught my eye.
Lucy Crow… Alice ‘not a Crow’ Crow and here Pariah Crow…
With apparent mental breakdowns, crimes and time spent in HGH and HPD it seems that once a Crow… always a bit of a weird one. It’s nice to say the name living on in 2024, over ten years later…
2014 – Delacroix – A Name I Think I am Glad not to Know
It’s never a good sign when the Observer by-line is “Reign of Terror Over”, so I think I’m rather happy to hear that the woman no longer lives (maybe at all – but at least in Hathian).
Not only was she implicated in the murder of 13 CU students she also appeared to be one psychosis away from another mass killing… and she blew up a coffee shop. Unforgivable.
I think readers can join me in saying that it does appear HPD did a good job in negotiating her surrender and putting her away from the rest of us.
2014 – Seaside, Gone but Not Forgotten and in 2014 run by an ex-Gein Manager… Kinda Scary!?
While in Hathian the Seaside School has closed for various reasons, it was for a time a place of laughter and happiness for many Hathian youth. Apparnently Corbin ‘Cornholio’ went through that system and look at him now!
This article covered the new owner’s appointment and I selected it because the movement from Gein (Human Burgers) to looking after kids… It just was kinda Hathian.
This thought didn’t escape the journalist at the time who asked Caspian “So how do you plan on handling the doubts people in the community may have due to your rather infamous reputation?”. Good journalist!
2015 – “I Ripped his Balls off”
This article appealed to me because I like to consider whether revenge is ever justified and then on reading it, I was minded or our own little ‘Z’ (Zoey) within Hathian.
In this case we had one Clover Fordyce’s apparently posting torture clips to her social media and taunting the City as she did it. Reminds me of Z and Vol…
Criminals claiming crime on Twitter or more generally isn’t anything new for Hathian but perhaps at least with the slightly more upper class type of Z, we won’t see “I ripped his balls off, beat him to a fucking pulp, stabbed a knife through his cheeks, nailed his eye, gouged the other out… I lose track.” as much anymore. Old Days, Old Hathian?
2015 – Observer Editor’s are Targets
I didn’t know our previous editor was married to a firefighter, who I think if they’re the same people is now a cop… Especially as the article suggests a cop was behind the disappearance. Hathian is one BIG CIRCLE.
It appeared that one of the previous editors, Valena Aubin, was captured, possibly by HPD and while we know she was subsequently released, it seems HPD impunity continued here, another seed in the tension between the emergency services (and the press!)
2015 – Hathian Sniper Causes Terror
A one person crime spree terrorised the city, showing that it’s not just assaults, rapes or fires. Sometimes it gets worse.
In this case the Sniper story took a turn for the worse when it was alleged that HPD set the whole thing up, or at least had a large part to play in it. The initial suspect, Leila J. Barnes denied being involved other than as a fall woman for the HPD.
With officers injured, civilians injured, police property destroyed… it was more than the average shit day in Hathian…
Just for future awareness, Captain Heckler has been known to enjoy using a sniper rifle.
So that concludes part one of the Citizen and Events retrospective… our next part will cover from 2016 to 2022. If you have an article that you think should have featured here, let us know on my Twitter or send me suggestions for part 2, or the HPD or the Gang retrospective via e-mail ((NC))…
Or and just for your viewing pleasure… Did I say that the Observer from 2008? It goes back even further… From our archives of printed copies, prior to our web archive… here’s an issue from 2007…
