What’s In Your Gein? Estelle Goes Upmarket

10 mins read

By: Daiyu Tang

Dear reader, have you been following me for at least a year? If so you might remember that almost to the year, my wonderful Daria, using the power of science investigated the contents of Gein burgers. You can read the full article HERE! However things change and with a new manager ready to shoulder the burden of Gein History we’ve been invited back. The new manager, in the powerful and composed form of Estelle Brianna, asked the Observer to come back and see if science could prove that the nutritional values of the Gein Burger had increased…

A Brief Recap: When the Gein was under the management of a former (perhaps still current) HPD Officer, the following is what science had to say… Perhaps many of us wished it hadn’t been quite so explicit!

“Overall: Beef shows evidence of including all parts of the cow, not just meat, including but not limited to various organs such as Liver, intestine, ovaries, and testicles. overall, 97.5% beef DNA with 1.3% rat DNA and 1.2% insect DNA (well within national FDA approved standards of ground beef). There is also evidence of trace amounts of cocaine within the tested material.”


I also just want to remind readers that the FDA in America allows that canned mushrooms can include more than 20 maggots “of any size” and 75 mites, per 100 grams. I got side-tracked reading websites such as this that go into details of FDA allowed ‘defects’… Not pleasant reading, but anyway, hopefully under Estelle the new menu can have less ‘defects’ and also less ‘traces of cocaine’. Well, I guess it depends on staff and their hand hygiene as well…

So with permission from Estelle to test *anything* in the kitchen, the Observer turned up on the 26th April and made off with a triple Bypass Burger.

What will science tell us?

It should be noted that Estelle is operating the Gein against a backdrop of various views in Hathian and if we can help prove that Gein is safe and ‘healthy’ (in so far as anything with bypass in the name is) then we’d love to help. A quick request for feedback on Twitter gave some thoughts and while it has to be noted that Twitter is not representative, these are the types of thoughts she is working with.

Real Human refers to many many years ago… And well, with the sign noting burgers are fried in lard, maybe Voltiel has a point, but then again there is now a Tofu burger, Burrito Bowl and more…

A New Menu

The Gein has a new menu which can be obtained in the restaurant, or via leaflets around town and Estelle has promoted the restaurant with a nod and a wink to some of the rather risqué posters that Gein has (everyone knows that ‘foot-long’ Gein ad right?). But despite a Milkshake Hoe and a few other things like that, the overall menu looks fine…

With claimed Texas USDA beef (‘choice’) grade and then certain ‘specials’ with rather interesting names; “Milkshake Hoe” and “Nut Sauce” the Gein has perhaps gone upmarket, although the prices have generally stayed really quite reasonable in the context of Hathian. Perhaps only the rather suspect food that might be available down at Weiner Wagon could complete on price.

We’d also point out that certain civic services get a discount at the Gein and considering when I visited an officer was there taking a crime report from Estelle, I can see the attraction in trying to keep some law enforcement or first responders around!

Test Results – Triple Bypass Burger

We took the three products to the lab and while it was unfortunate that Daria has had to return to Japan, we were able to convince her former professor to get the tests done. I can be persuasive when I need to be readers!

This beast is a Amino Acid Analysis system and Columtreal is lucky to have one alongside various other equipment used to test both industrial and food related products.

Feeing samples of the Gein product through the machine we awaited the results. If you want to see the

Testing Process and Detailed Analysis

Equipment used: To ensure consistency the same equipment was used as previously. This included a Top loading balance, Analytical balance, 50 mL polypropylene centrifuge tubes, 1 mL and 10 mL electronic pipettes, Vortex mixer, centrifuge, Autosampler vial, volumetric flasks, N-Evaporator.

Instrumentation used: Mass Spectrometer, Analytical Column, SHIMADZU spectrophotometer

Reagents and solutions: Acetonitrile, Glycine, Glycine buffer, Methanol, Sodium Chloride, Sodium hydroxide, lysol buffer, phenol, chloroform, isoamyl alcohol, water.

Process: All samples were taken from a randomly selected set of patties that are used in the Bypass Burger. They were transported to Columtreal University science lab in a sterilized cooler in the back of the News Van. The meat was then placed in an empty refrigerator to thaw.

Each patty was then separated into 8 different samples and categorized as such for the remainder of the testing. Samples of each patty were crushed with lysis buffer of varying amounts (to determine specific DNA) and placed in the centrifuge tubes. They were then vortexed at 3000rpm for 2 minutes to allow for homogenization. After incubated for 10 minuets at 60c, a phenyl-chlorophorm-isoamyl alcohol mixture was added to break down cell walls. It was then vortexed for 10 minutes at 3000rpm. They were then placed in 4c vortex for 10 minutes at 14000 RPM. The sample was placed again to incubate for 12-30 minutes at 20-50c (depending on species being tested for). This approach was the same as last year, although obviously small variations might occur.

Phenyl-chloroform-isoamyl alcohol was added yet again and vortexed for 10 minuets at 3000 rpm. It was then placed in a centrifuge for 10 minutes at 4c and 14000 RPM. After eliminating waste alcohol, the sample was rehydrated using sterile water (Milli-Q). The spectrophotometer was used to determine the purity of the DNA samples leading to the above-listed results.

In testing for narcotic compounds: Varying compounds such as phenanthrene, Triphenylsophate, Arecoline, Scopolamine, and Diazinon were added to samples of the ground beef to determine the chemicals within not native to the tested species make-up. These were all added to centrifuge tubes. Glycine buffer was added and then the samples were vortexed for 10 minuets at 3000 rpm. The samples were then allowed to settle for 45 minutes. 6mL of Acetonitrile was added to each sample and vortexed for another 10 minutes at 3000 rpm. 6mL of sodium hydroxide was then added and vortexed for 5 minutes at 4000 RPM. Samples were then placed in the centrifuge for 3200 RPM and 5 minutes. Excess liquid was removed from the top. Samples were then reduced with stream nitrogen at 65c. Sample was then transferred to autosampler and injected into spectrometer.

Results for all narcotic compounds were negative.

Drug Results: Clear, compared to 2023, the trace cocaine in samples was no longer present.
Composition Results: Beef, assessed with a high probability to be US breed, meeting the ‘Choice’ level for marbling and other factors, likely loin and shoulder cuts. More details on USDA grading HERE. The overall composition appears acceptable with fat added to give what should be an acceptable flavour.


Somewhat unexpectedly, considering the price, it appears that the samples we selected (we attended unplanned and ordered unplanned to avoid hopefully risks of sample tampering) meet all the advertising that Estelle has laid out! It therefore appears that through the wonders of science we have proven that for now (and these things can only be at a point in time) that Gein’s meat… it’s good. Maybe that footlong poster isn’t looking so bad now right?

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