Photos & Article By: Daiyu Tang
The Hathian Gang known as the Rejects posted an ad in this newspaper announcing a wedding on the 20th July 2024. The wedding, between Eamon O’Rourke and Delinda Ryan was expected (at least by this reporter) to be a typical rumbunctious ceremony and this impression when I attended said wedding, was supported by the appearance of Piper, appearing to be somewhat drunk and somewhat fazed by having to deliver quasi-religious wording. Bottle in hand and in a tight dress with her trademark hair, she cut an interesting celebrant. Definitely one from whom anything could happen.
Microphone and recorder discreetly concealed to assist with the copy later, I felt quite ready, dear reader for this ceremony to get going!
“You better only get my good side bitch!”
Piper
We assume she meant the front, so glass in hand and phone with what appeared to be the words to the ‘script’, – here is Piper the ‘celebrant’.
Piper managed the ceremony with trademark alacrity and acidity, although to her credit there appeared to be moments of tenderness creeping in, at least once the vows were exchanged.
“Friends and family… and you other fuckers, you know who you are… welcome and thank you for comin’ to share in this joyful occasion. We’re here today to bear wit… witness to the union of Eamon O’Rourke and Deli Ryan as they join together today in mawwaige. Also we here for the food and drink, let’s be real, we got some major grub gonna happen later, am I right!? Lets get ya’ll hitched, then we party! THAT MEANS SIT YO ASS DOWN ALREADY!”
Piper
And the wedding was a go… Hold on reader!
The ‘Best Men’
The best men, wearing matching suits accentuated with red took their position on the left of the ceremony (as facing the guests) and were represented by key male members of the Rejects. From media bashing on Twitter to journalist bashing I wondered why I was here, but in reality they were polite and focused on the wedding itself. B-Boy stance aside from Chas, they scrubbed up well.
The Bridesmaids
The Maid of Honour and her Bridesmaids took up position on the right and wore shimmering red gowns that didn’t detract from the bride, but complimented her rose based dress. With Jessica, Candie and then someone identified as ‘Lotus’ whom this paper has not met before, they managed both the classy look of the boys, without quite the ‘security vibe’ that for example Donta was giving.
The Bride
Because let’s face it the Groom will be in a suit, here are the pictures you really wanted, the amazing wedding dress!
The detail on Delinda’s dress was amazing and carrying a bouquet of at least twenty roses she, along with her maids in red and best men wearing red accessories completed a look that was sophisticated and classy.
Not even the tipsy ‘minister’ was going to be able to spoil this!
Heads turned and breaths were paused as everyone admired the bride, or at least if the few non Rejects there didn’t, they had the good graces to keep quiet, or in the case of a CU contingent wolf whistle.
Now that the bride had walked the aisle, she and Eamon could take their place before Piper and proceed with the rings and vows. The audience was respectful, although a certain guest appeared to be trying to play matchmaker. You know who you are and you know I have pictures of boba!
The Ceremony
Piper: “Aight. You got rings? Good. You wear rings to show ya endless love for one another and as a physical symbol of the… commitment you are making today. Delinda, take the ring and put in on Eamon’s finger and then repeat after me. ‘I Delinda do take thee Eamon as my husband to have an’ hold from this day forward, for better, worse, richer, poorer, sick or healthy, to love and cherish until death do we part. This my sol…solemn vow.”
One drink quickly followed for the pink haired one, but she had got through the lines pretty well and it was now time
Delinda: “I Delinda, do take thee Eamon, as my husband. To have an to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do we part… this is my solemn vow.”
One side of the bargain was struck…
Piper: “Aight Eamon, your turn, take the ring and put it on Delinda’s finger and repeat after me. ‘I Eamon, do take thee Delinda, as my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do we part. This is my solemn vow.'”
Was that a joint the celebrant was puffing at as well? I mean there’s Dutch Courage to stand up in front of a crowd and then there’s blasted, but so far Piper was doing great.
Eamon: “I Eamon, do take thee Delinda, as my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death wo we part. This is my solemn vow.”
Piper: “Aight now Eamon and Delinda will share their personal vows they done wrote for each other. Thank fuck too cause I sure ain’ a poet. Delinda first.”
“Eamon, From the day we met I knew there was something different about you. There was a fire within you, that I wanted to warm myself by. I was alone, and lonely for so long, waiting for you. Now that I have found you, now that you are mine… I feel alive again. So today, on our wedding day, I make these vows to you… I vow to love you fiercely, and to pursue that love anew each day for the rest of our lives. I vow to stand beside you through all of the things that life throws at us. I vow to my loyalty, my unending friendship and my unconditional love. From this day until my last day.”
Delinda
Then it was Eamon’s turn…
“Delinda, In truth, the first day I met you, could have gone so many different ways, but fate decided, that two soul mates would meet on that day, and forever change the course of my path, I came looking for Chaos… I Found Chaos personified, and now… I am getting the wonderous honour, of spending my life with her. So I vow from the day we met… To never lie to you, to always stand at your side, even when you might not want me there, to make your troubles, my troubles, to help you over every obstacle life throws at us. I Vow that my end destination in life, is always going to be you. And finally, I vow, that I will love you unconditionally till my last breath of existence on this earth
Eamon
This was pretty emotional stuff and there were a few glints of wetness in eyes (a precursor of the greater wetness that was to come). With the formal part of the ceremony drawing to a close, it was time for the kiss and the final words from Celebrant Piper.
Piper: “So then, Deli, do you take Eamon to be your husband? And Eamon, do you take Delinda to be your wife? Let’s hear those I do’s, or it ain’ legit!”
Delinda & Eamon: “I do!”
The Good, The Bad and The Drugged
Reader, you may recall that we have given positive reviews to Flamin Cajun and their recent wholesale business. But let me say on record now they need to manage their food security more because when catering for gang events, they can’t be a weak point, otherwise we all suffer. And that’s what appeared to happen reader, when wedding guests who ate the food delivered by the restaurant seemed to find themselves drugged with what we at the Observer understand was at least two, if not three different types. Within Hathian Rainbow Road and Drip are reasonably well known, but I can tell you I had none of those and rather than feel hot and bothered in a sexual way, I just felt burning and on fire in a painful way! Whatever kind of drug that was, SUCKED. With my skin crawling in the sunlight I took refuge under a table and then IT GOT WORSE. BECAUSE WHY NOT. Hathian Right?
If anyone wants to identify this drug that caused me to want to shed all my clothes (and then my skin and ideally all my pain receptors) then please do contact me, ideally letting me know which asses make it. It works, congratulations…
That Sinking Feeling
The venue the Rejects had chosen appeared to have been made of reinforced, bullet proof glass, mostly… Which was good and bad… Good, because it wasn’t long before Tori and her Yuugen Cosplayer team arrived to give the Rejects (and their innocent guests) a ‘surprise’, which also endangered rescue personal from the FDH (but we know Tori doesn’t care about them…)
Somehow (and I found this out when water started to pool over my knees under the table) they had hoses attached to this ‘fishbowl’ of a building and started to fill it up. Still finding touch painful, including water, this was just agony, but at least as bullets started to fly around outside the ‘dome’ they didn’t much get in.
But I also said bad and this meant it wasn’t possible to smash the glass and with the doors blocked by a truck and wedged firmly shut, we all started to swim… with gators, fish and eels… because of course! This is Tori and Hathian and she decided to dump wildlife in the tank with us…
Time passed in a bit of a blur, the drug impacting me more than I would care to experience again and it was only when we discovered that the glass at the top of this fishbowl was weaker than the sides that a rescue became possible. Below, FDH Chief Trevor Pentewyn outlines the heroics his team had to perform.
FDH Statement Regarding Rescue
“On June 20th, Fire Department Hathian responded to a critical incident at a wedding in Delphine. The wedding guests were trapped inside a large dome made of storm glass and the dome was dangerously pumped full of water. Upon arrival, FDH personnel, including Chief Trevor Pentewyn, Lieutenant. Rog Messmer, Lt. Spurs Seattle, Lt. Jari Seo-jun, Firefighter Sam Warrhol, and Probie Corbin LaSalle assessed the scene and began rescue operations by cutting strategic holes in the storm glass to allow the water to drain so that the guests could escape and be rescued. Multiple guests were transported to Hathian General Hospital. It was an extremely hazardous incident due to the volume of water that needed to be drained, the swampy terrain which was slippery underfoot and the hostile situation. Our firefighters displayed exceptional bravery and skill. The operation was precarious and some FDH personnel were injured. Furthermore, FDH were subjected to gunfire as we ensured the safety of the guests. An injured firefighter is currently receiving medical care. The incident highlights the inherent risk FDH faces daily but we remain committed to the safety and well-being of Hathian.”
And we are all very grateful to FDH because without them, some people inside wouldn’t have been able to escape, including myself… and I don’t want to drown at someone else’s wedding, unless it’s downing a few drinks (or going down the groom, because that’s on the sin bingo list!).
Weddings – Can’t Marry Without Them
So? All in all readers? I had a good time exactly up until the Yuugen got involved. While the beef between Tori and the Rejects could make a book, including recent attacks and a pornographic screening of Tori in the centre of town. Is there no day that is sacred from disruption? Look, I’d even cover Tori’s wedding if it came to it, because I believe little acts of union strengthen our town…
But in the gritty reality of the next day as I dragged my soaking self to bed after my skin stopped feeling like it was on fire? All I want to say… is… bloody Hathian and I think dear reader, you may often agree with me!
((Further beautiful pictures from the talented Dark can be found HERE))
