Spilling The Tea – An Interview With Buffy

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By: CU Gossipgirl

What’s the tea, Looters? Whilst I have some hot gossip I’m keeping close to my chest for now I promise I’ll share it with you soon.

In the meantime, nothing makes CU like the people in it, so I’m going to have a series of interviews with the people who make the Columtreal Campus thrive.

Interviewing Buffy

First on my list is campus darling Buffy. I caught up this week for a text interview with Sarah-Michelle Buffy Gage, she of the many first names, campus head cheerleader and now fledgling pop-punk star in the college band Buffy and the Slayers.

GG: “Hi Buffy, how u doing?”

SMBG: “Hey GG. Really super-busy. I’m cheerleading most days as our squad has Cheerleading Worlds at the end of April, plus cheering on our Looters football squad, and Ballbusters volleyball team – can I just say Maya and her girls are crushin’ it this season.”

GG: “The gossip on campus is you and Maya Flores (Volleyball team Captain) low-key hate each other?”

SMBG: Like, uhm, hate is a strong word. Maya and I see the world differently and both have a strong competitive spirit, but I’d never say I hate her. I have a grudging respect for her but we come from different worlds! She’s like SO poor and I’m not! But it’s like, not my fault. She can totally have my last seasons Balenciaga if it’ll stop her being such a raging bitch all the time!”

Buffy and The Slayers

Buffy and The Slayers (or three of them!)

GG: “You’re in a punk band but many would say you’re not really punk? What would you say to your haters?”

SMBG: “I’m a huge believer in girl power and fighting oppression and the patriarchy. If you look at it that way, even the Spice Girls were punk. But I like to call us a pop-punk-metal fusion. I bring the pop, Bobby brings the punk, and Connor and Jo bring the metal.”

GG: “Your college band are on tour. How’s it going?”

SMBG: “Its been really awesome. I never intended to be in a band or a musician like my Mom but I guess I got lucky to have some of her talent. (ed note; SMBG’s mom Buffy-Ella Millet was a local artist who lost her life some years ago) Thanks to those who have come out so far to catch our band, Buffy and the Slayers, on our 2024 Dive Bar tour of Columtreal, Hathian and Port Laveau.”

GG: “The Dive Bar tour sounds punk.”

SMBG: “It really is. Two stops in and the band are having a blast on our first road trip and we’re doing it in proper college band style with a rusty old van, mattress in the back and as many instruments, band members, and fans as we can squeeze into it.”

GG: “Who’s in the band?”

SMBG: “The core band consists of myself Sarah-Michelle Buffy Gage as lead vocalist, bassist and guitarist Bobby Ray Lee, and drummer Connor Kharg, with our new guitarist Jo Doulton providing extra guitar layers to fill out our sound.”

Spilling the T

GG: “Didn’t you get arrested for trying to kill Jo last year?”

SMBG: “Jo and I definitely had our differences, but those stairs at Columtreal are way shoddy, it’s an old building yah? Its pretty crumbly. It was totally an accident she fell down it no matter what the police say.”

GG: “Rumour has it that you’re a serial dater? Will we get songs about your exes like Taylor Swift?”

SMBG: “I can confirm I’ve written some original songs but I’ll never name names. And serial dater? Way harsh, GG!”

GG: “I call it like I see it. What was with that anyway?”

SMBG: “I don’t wanna’ rehash old stuff. My first boyfriend cheated, a lot. My second boyfriend stole all my money. My third boyfriend vanished. So I tried a girlfriend and that didn’t end well. I was just unlucky.”

GG: “And now you’re dating Bobby Ray Lee, your bassist?”

SMBG: “Bobby’s a sweetheart and we’re very happy.”

Bobby Ray Lee

GG: “How’s the sex?”

SMBG: “You know I ain’t gonna’ answer that, yah?”

GG: “No fair, come on spill.”

SMBG: “It’s energetic! Like two horny Shetland Ponies”

GG: “Thanks for your time today Buffy. Now Carly Cox has rated her 10 best peni. As you’ve sampled a few, who would you rate?”

SMBG: “I’m not gonna’ answer that either but I once did sample a few smoochies for Hathian’s best kisser. The winner was Eliza Evans!”

GG: “Thanks Buffy!”

The opinions expressed in this article are entirely CU Gossip Girl’s and not shared by the Observer. You can catch Buffy and the Slayers at the following venues:

Buffy & The Slayers, Dive Bar Tour

Friday, March 15th at 2pm SLT: St. Patricks Day, Port Laveau

Saturday, March 16th at 2pm SLT: St. Patricks Day, Hathian

Sunday, March 17th at 2pm SLT: St. Patricks Day, Columtreal University

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