by Daiyu Tang ((Faithtang Resident))
Readers, do I have a hell of a scoop for you today! In fact, this is more like a triple scoop ice-cream, it’s so tasty! Make no mistake reader the interview below has brought out some large revelations and again has thrown light on how the HPD blurs the line between protection and politics, rage and reform.
Yours truly was invited to HPD to conduct an interview and after my previous experience in that building, I had serious reservations, especially considering that it was Officer Landon Frye inviting me without giving a topic up-front. However my concerns were broadly unfounded, the officers used the interview as a platform for a list of statements, policy decisions and actions that should be of interest to all Hathian citizens. Let’s delve into them now.
About the recent Defund Movement
GBTL: “So, for a week or so this City let out some of the rage and anger it had. We did indeed see the worst but also some good as citizens tried to make a difference. So, how did you feel when you saw the streets not protected by the HPD?”
Officer Landon Frye: “A delinquent minority of our town, mostly the [redacted], rioting and raping and looting their way across town like locusts. Whilst all the good folk suffered. And let me tell you something about true courage. Deep into the rioting, when HPD’s finest were prime targets on the street, it happened that a pregnant girl was beaten, tortured, and buried alive by the rioters. These are the sort of animals that Mayor lent his support.
A lone HPD Officer, Lizette Zero, responded to the buried girl’s plight when no one else would. All by herself, Officer Zero walked into the cemetery and dug up that girl’s grave knowing all the danger to herself, but she did it, because that’s what HPD’s all about. On the days after, the people of this town were inspired by Officer Zero’s selfless determination and lost their appetite for senseless destruction. She united the people against the Mayor’s anarchy and that boy was forced to bend the knee.”
Officer Della Pearl: “He is correct! It’s officers like Officer Landon and Officer Liz that work hard to keep law and order in this city. The things I seen during this Purge … Officer Landon is such an excellent role model and I can vouch that everything he does he does to make this a better place.. a better city for us all. Officer Frye could not have said it better, since all this madness has ended it’s once again safe to walk the streets!”
Officer Pearl, the smaller of the two really appeared to be looking up at Officer Frye. While they didn’t appear related (c’mon readers, don’t go there), she did come across as new to the HPD and to be honest, your reporter can’t recall seeing her on patrol before? How did she and Officer Frye get to become HPD spokespeople???
GBTL: “So that’s interesting and I do recall hearing about a murder in the graveyard, I had thought the victim had her lungs torn out, but perhaps that was another crime… perhaps proof of what you’re saying. So as you put it, the Mayor ‘Bent the Knee’ due to the violence wrought in the town, rather than any pressure from HPD over salaries or other changes to their working arrangements? And if I might, what’s next, you’re back on patrol, but I’d presume the issues that your Union had, for example bounties on police officers and the gangs targeting you, remain? How do you swing the pendulum back the other way, or can you?”
On the Koga, the cancellation of Mardi Gras and HPD in politics
Officer Frye: “Now that’s an interesting question. There’s been a bounty on myself for months by these people who call themselves the Koalas. All I have to say about it is, boys tweet, and men speak. If they want to talk like men they know where I am.
Officer Frye here has a reputation as a no-nonsense fighter, in-fact his nickname has sometimes been whispered to me as Robo-Cop… I’ve seen him dressed up in full tactical gear and it’s a scary sight, so this challenge to the Koga shouldn’t be taken lightly.
Officer Frye: Back on the topic of rioting, you are right in highlighting the escalation in crimes and their severity. HPD is the leash and when you release it, the animal is free to be wild. The Mayor learned this harsh lesson, and so did those misguided Defund protesters, many of whom have been apologizing to us in the devastating aftermath of the Purge. But HPD is forgiving, we love our town and now is the time for healing.
Towards that end, it gives me great joy to announce we are cancelling this year’s Mardi Gras, and replacing it with a rally in support of our true President Trump. Let all Americans come together and holler in unity ‘TRUMP 2024 BABY! LET’S GO!“
Officer Pearl: “Let’s go Trump!”
Doesn’t it make you sick reader? Whatever your political inclinations, shouldn’t the HPD be apolitical? If they allow their individual views to influence their policies, then we’re back to square one, i.e. the defund movement has had no discernible impact!
On a new Miss Hathian and the introduction of work gangs as part of the penal process
Officer Pearl: “I know I am still a rookie with the department, but as Miss Hathian, my platform will be the restoration of the city to it’s once beautiful glory. And what better then like in the old days with the chain gang.. the bad folks want to destroy and deface our city.. they should be required to clean it. Take that wall behind you.. it would save the city so much money to have prison labour than to hire someone to tear it down and rebuild.. not to mention all the litter and over grown landscaping and the beaches!”
GBTL: “Wait, you’re Miss Hathian? I was at the competition… Miss Banu won, I took the pictures for the paper… Was this a previous year or something? And if I might continue your thread on the Gangs, I believe you meant the Koga… What you’re saying is that the gangs should put up or shut up? On your point Officer Pearl, I have heard some Citizens suggest that HPD prisoners should work, not just languish in the cells and that seems a decent suggestion, do you have a view on when that will commence? Oh and finally, I would have thought that the demographics of this area would indicate a Democratic vote, or more likely apathy at the ballot box, are you sure it’s appropriate for the HPD to be so overtly political and likely on the side of ‘Fuck you [redacted]’?“
Officer Frye: “Those of us whom attended the Pageant were exposed to horrifying levels of violence, live gun fire and open intimidation of the judges. Well I, Detective Landon Fyre, have news for those miscreants in our midst, our town and our Pageants will not bow to corruption.”
At this point Readers, Officer Frye actually drew out a tiara, a little beat and worse for wear in your reporter’s view, but still sparkling. He turned to Officer Pearl and seated the tiara on her head!
Officer Frye: “By the power vested in me, not only by the state of Louisiana, but by the Lord, and our one true President Trump, I pronounce you Miss Hathian… You look spectacular.”
I didn’t really understand what I was hearing reader, I mean I had witnessed Miss Asia Banu winning the crown, but if there was any doubt, then what Officer Frye said next cemented it – the HPD had taken over the contest for their racial, prejudicial ends!
Officer Frye: “When we are blessed with blonde, blue-eyed, [redacted] American women in this town, I ask you, how could any other demographic wear this crown? The judges were coerced and intimidated into an erroneous decision, which I have formally redressed. Let it be known, Miss Della Pearl is Miss Hathian now, and ain’t she a fine specimen of an American woman.”
Reader, seriously… What the hell, but worse was to come. I’ve not done the census, but this town is strong through diversity, not because it is a mono-cultured block. Each time people club together by a demographic or strong identify they become weaker than the whole!
Officer Frye: “Most these illegals haven’t the right to vote, so there won’t be any upset at the ballot box, except that Trump is coming back. And this time, we won’t allow the liberals to steal his victory. It’s a blessed week, HPD is back, the Supreme Court is siding with pro-lifers, Miss Hathian is [redacted] again, and soon Hathian will be great again. That’s all we have for you today, miss.”
I could literally see Officer Pearl swelling up with pride and happiness at being crowned Miss Hathian. I really don’t know what to say Readers, it was like something out of a movie, the little woman with her Iron Robot style protector. Honestly, I have no idea what Asia Banu will make of this, but I do intend to ask her in a follow-up interview and of course, the Observer will make the second and third place contestants and the judges aware for their reaction… Really what an upset!
Officer Pearl: “I will wear this with honour and do my best to make you proud of me”
The small officer was actually in a flood of tears at this point reader, I kid you not.. it looked like all her dreams had come true at once.
GBTL: “Umm, I guess… well, thank you for sharing three or four key messages… uhh, let me see… firstly that the ‘Koalas’, I think you mean Kogas… should grow a pair… secondly that you believe in press-gang style work, i.e. criminals working, rather than just lying around… Thirdly, that the Mardi Gras is cancelled in favour of a Trump parade… Fourthly that Della is now the new Miss Hathian and fifthly, if I am reading between the lines, that… well… HPD is a semi-bastion of the red mad hatters…”
At this point both officers concluded the interview, affirming the above and seemingly very proud of themselves. Oh-my-God Readers, what a set of bombshells! I don’t know which will rile you up more, but obviously from the perspective of a minority, the explicit and implicit appeals to the white population over those with other heritage is a clearly extremely worrying and distressing, but I guess most of us who aren’t so ‘privileged’ as Officer Pearl already knew that. It also looks like that next time citizens spend time in Jail, at least under the ‘watch’ of Officer Frye or Pearl, that they might be sent out to work in the streets…
And well, the news about the change in Miss Hathian crown, that’s sure to provoke some of our other competitors and did the judges assent? Or were they like Mayor Boxer forced to ‘Bend the Knee’?
Finally, a challenge out to the Kogas… Your reporter is perhaps the least familiar with the Koga than the Scavengers or the King Street Phoneys, but will poking a gang, really bring peace and stability to the streets and what is it with Officer Frye and his tattoos? Your reporter thinks there is something to follow-up here…
This is Girl Behind the Lens, Daiyu Tang bringing you these scoops. Send us your tips, observations, photos or thoughts about this or any other story to our Observer e-mail ((notecards)) or via replying on our website forums ((here)).