A Hathian Wedding – Congratulations Rhys & Carly

9 mins read

The Observer is delighted to announce that one of our members of staff, Rhys Penteywn and one of our regular contributors, Carly Cox have been married in a ceremony officiated by our Editor, Daiyu Tang.

The ceremony, planned at short notice took place in the main lecture theatre of Columtreal University in the presence of many students, staff and (unfortunately) CUPD officers.

The Ceremony

“I’m not the virgin Mary here, I had a kid with the guy. You doing heroin again?”

Dean Cox queries whether Rhys is alright

The ceremony started with getting Dean Cox to actually attend the venue on the pretence of a news article. Once she was in situ and suitably confused, the event was turned over to Rhys who was the instigator of this untraditional, but ultimately sweet and happy proposal. Accompanied by his sister Eleri for presumably moral support, there was no sign of Rhys’ father or other relatives.

With Rhys denying that he was under the influence the ceremony could thus continue.

Rhys: “So how about it? Are we ready to stop fucking about and do it?”

And with those immortal words replacing ‘Will you marry me‘, Rhys popped the proposal.

Some within the audience were restless, with a man suggesting that Dean Cox already had a boyfriend.

Carly: “Are you serious?”

Not the most traditional response it has to be said, but not a flat rejection. Daiyu attempted to get Carly on track by words that could be constructed as a declaration of intent, as ‘are you serious’ was unlikely to count.

Daiyu: “He’s a good man Carly!”

Rhys: “I’m serious. It’s about damn time. Whatever else you’ve got going on, it’s not me, is it Carls? You know this is the right thing…”

Carly: “Yeah, right.. he dumped me and broke my heart when I was 8 months pregnant… Earlier this year he stabbed me in the gut with a knife in broad daylight… And then of course, he likes to get stoned and chase around imaginary werewolves… And then you help him, fake his own death in The Observer, without telling me he was still alive…”

That was a litany. Unfortunately not a holy litany.

Carly: “But dude, you call me a bitch every time we meet, claiming we are far from compatible. If I say yes, our daughter will go back to being called what she originally was, and her name will be Kimberly Teleri Pentawyn-Cox”

Rhys surprises Carly with his proposal

There appeared to be a small opening here and our editor did her best to prod Rhys towards sealing the deal, suggesting that the name was fantastic…

Rhys: “Our kid is not going to be named after the Pink Power Ranger, it’s a horrid name, Carly And I could make a list of shit you did… we’re not perfect…”

Carly: “Motherfucker… Fine, okay, lets get hitched, fucking psycho. I want more kids though, you should accept that”.

With an actual God-Praised agreement, Daiyu could quickly move through the legalities as an ordained minister.

Daiyu: “Umm, dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of this woman, Carly Cox and this man, Rhys Pentewyn… junior… not senior… in the bonds of matrimony… holy or not…. Do you promise to have each other, hold each other, do the kid making thing with each other and keep true to each other as much as you can? And if you will and do agree to those, then as long as you declare to me now, in this here fine State of Louisiana then I am privileged to be able to make this legal…”

Rhys: “I do”

Carly: “I do

Daiyu: “Then in the sight of Hecate and with this here Christian Bible in my hand, and a copy of the Holy books of other religions available if you need it, I am super pleased to confirm in the sight of these witnesses, you are now legally married in this State…”

And with those fateful words (and Carly appearing to puff a joint) and the some witnesses to sign the paperwork it was done… but then CUPD turned up… but not before most of the attended guests got an eyeful.

“Where do we go from here, husband?”


The Honeymoon

Normally a honeymoon starts with a trip, a hotel and then romance. Sadly, in this instance CUPD decided to come into the wedding and in the confusion there were threats of violence exchanged between Carly and the officer.

The couple start the first evening of their married life in jail.

Sadly, as a result of the threats the couple were arrested together and sent initially to CUPD. On hearing the news we understand that Lt. Landon Fyre arrived to transfer them to HPD, although as can be seen from our protest coverage, it appears that at least Dean Cox was released fairly quickly.

Trying to speak with the couple was made somewhat difficult by Landon refusing to move out of the picture and shuffling his tall ass left or right to block the camera. As many readers will know there is bad blood and history between Rhys and Landon, but in the interests of at least trying to get a comment from Carly and Rhys, his photo had to be humoured, although eventually our editor did manage to take a shot without him.

Carly seemed upset that CUPD had trespassed on the academic space of the campus and wondered why they had come to a wedding where there had been no obvious signs of illegality. We were able to catch up with her and Rhys briefly before Landon took her to HPD.

Carly: “Ironically, I openly discuss the protests arrange for tomorrow, where I made it abundantly clear to the professor organizing it, that it will never be CU policy to support the defunding of CUPD, the gratitude shown is deafeningAll relations with CUPD and CU have been suspended, you can quote me on that, Miss Tang!”

Landon: “Could y’all face the bars. Wedding photos.”

And with those words, it was done… the Observer is sure that the couple will manage a break together, properly in due course and of course as two members of staff we will help fund their trip away. Although Dean Cox is probably pretty wealthy!

Happy Honeymoon!

Marriage is in the Air

As we close our reporting we also picked up over Twitter that Xena Rodriguez and Paige got married, although there appears to be some confusion… Never-the-less, congratulations and we hope that many more couples will tie the knot in Hathian in 2024.

Our Editor is now licensed to marry you! Apply directly. ((Photo: Zofia))
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