By: Maja – Gossip Guru
Hello again those MIA… Did you miss my Double G helping of Gossip?
Today we will be discussing someone else who is masked in anonymity, serial pantie dropper and herpes spreader ‘Cole Horatio Hartman‘. Yes that’s right, it’s time for an article on a notorious sleaze, creep and ex-gang member (who could possibly be considered a bad cosplayer of a low level Mexican cartel member)!
I mean but there it is. That’s it. That’s pretty much all there is about the man… He’s a creep and he has herpes. That’s the article, go home. We’re done. Well obviously not… Oh yes, Daiyu wouldn’t be too happy with me slacking and when I’ve got this much gossip, I better fill her cup; how else could she afford her golden throne/office renovation? (I’ll embalm you in the backrest Maja -Ed) So when you all come back with your mug of coco that’s more whiskey than coco we’ll begin properly!
‘Cole Horatio Hartman’ has been a presence in this city for many years, and about 5 seconds (charitably speaking) of those have been enjoyable for the rest of us. This is a man whose entire existence is so cringe inducing that Tiktokers think clips from his life are considered farming views. Of course for those of you who haven’t had the misfortune of stumbling upon this human sized pile of talking neurosyphilis, you will want to know the man is of Latino/Hispanic decent, often wears shirts that remind me of a pair of curtains my Grandmother used to own and sports the clear favourite to win ‘Douchiest hairstyle 2024‘, which is of course invariably, a top knot. F-M-L right?
While some might use their prodigious talents with writing (your other colleagues Maja -Ed) for articles on racism, investigating strikes or reporting the HPD captain thinks gangs aren’t commuting enough crimes, (What the fuck Heckler?) I use my stupendous talents on things of more substance, although I note that those last two are rather ironic as the strike was called in part as the effects of a Yuugen and Bones assault on the HGH. So, how does my writing, my prodigious talent of gossip help explore and explain Cole Hartman and his pencil penis’s persistent pussy poking performance? Simple, he’s a lie.
Now before you get ahead of yourself, I would never be so crass as to expose a closeted gay-gay man unless they were of course a danger, trying to hide it. No this is me calling out out the mans’ fake front, and that also doesn’t mean I’m going to comment on the mans excessive use of skin foundation but his status as an FBI agent.
Now this will of course illicit a laugh from those of you that know him “Cole? an FBI agent? The man looks like he can barely dress himself, let alone work for the FBI.” Unfortunately for us but fortunately for the Hathian Shakespeare society, the man is a clearly flawless actor. He has managed to convince us all he is nothing more than a low level thug, a weaselly little man trying to cosy up to greater gangs for protection.
Alas this is not the case. It has come to light that Cole Hartman (often posting on twitter trying to annoy the recently married / absolute / piece of ass Gabby Ellis) isn’t even the mans real name. It is actually Craig Isadore Pelton a man from Colorado not Mexico as he would tell you. But then again as part of his persona he would tell you that he is in fact an FBI agent. But he would then tell you that FBI stands for “Feely Boobie Investigator” and I don’t mean the seabirds. I recently was very lovingly sent a copy of the mans’ FBI tag. I’ve checked through my contacts at the HPD, its genuine folks.
The man has of course had other postings in the security services, at other places in America that I have been able to uncover, including one where he administered a community college as its dean! But right now the man is posted here in Hathian for who knows what reason. Although many officers will likely find it comforting they can simply walk up and get a full list of his contacts and buyers at the drop of a hat, or will happily turn over the cocaine contraband he so often keeps with him.
Craig as we will now call him has been hiding his true motives for a long time. Does it not seem weird to anyone that he cosies up to the Harlots, then the Rejects, and most important for an FBI agent, the domestic terrorist group known as the ‘Yuugen’. Often being seen in… close proximity with Bethari Indah where one can only /imagine/ what they do together, (I have one in the works for you too Miss Indah by the way!) This could just as easily be explained as the man has a wide social circle or doesn’t want to tie himself down, or that he simply has a thing for the Asian persuasion. Whatever the secret agenda of this man, this contributor knows for sure that Agent Pelton is doing his best to be a deep mole in many…
This is Maja, signing off once again, and remember dear reader! The truth lies masked in anonymity.
Editorial Note: The Hathian Observer while accepting of gossip as part of keeping Hathian entertained and potentially finding new stories wishes it to be noted that… that Maja is quite… intense when she’s into her gossip and that Craig? Well…
You can read the rest of Maja’s ‘writings’ here: HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE and HERE.
((Maja is a player. Posted with OOC consent))
