Columtreal University - State of Affairs Press Release

By: CU Dean – Miss Carly Cox

I turned back the clock some 12 years to when I first arrived at Hathian; more precisely the outskirts of Hathian known as Columtreal which hosts our university. Now, I have now become the Dean.

Back then I was not a very school oriented person. In fact, the only reason I attended CU was because no other university wanted me. I was the black sheep of the family; the Californian surfer girl and general beach bum with not a lot going for me in life.

But then, as for so many other students at university, CU became the driving factor for changes in my life. I ended up graduating with honours in business and communication.

That is the sort of life altering change CU stands for now. As Dean, I will ensure it always will stand for the same life altering opportunities in the future to come.

It is important that I, as serving Columtreal University Dean will always work towards this positive change in socioeconomic growth and ensure that the campus will always be an environment where our students thrive. We must always strive for success and to seek to expand student horizons, as well as our own, and propel CU forward to greatness.

Now, this all sounds very fluffy and much what propagandist would say, so let us get into the specifics on how we will achieve that, together. Here’s my current priority list:

Expand Academic Excellence Beyond the Athletics Department

The athletics Department has for a long time been what put CU on the map. I will continue to ensure this, however, I also wish to further support other departments to offer the change described earlier in this address. I too was a jock, a track runner back in the day, but without the input and support of higher learning, I would not have achieved what I have today.

To this end I recently launched a social science study called “The Paramasturbatory Evolution of the Jungian Mind” that seeks to establish CU at the forefront of social science academia. I will be supporting other studies on the same scale in other branches of academia. For example, next up will be STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics) where I will push for a science club on campus. Then Business, then Art.

Attracting Quality Talents to the CU Faculty

If we are to expand like I mentioned above, we need to attract right kind of professors, coaches and general administrative staff to Columtreal.

We must never forget that we are preparing the minds of tomorrow for a life in towns like Hathian & Laveau and therefore the teachers at CU must also have a skillset in addition to their respective academic fields. They must be willing and able to pass these on to our students ensuring their survival in the real world. I will therefore be pushing for Hathian natives to take up teaching and coaching positions here at CU, so we make that blend between academia and the skills needed to survive the often cruel streets of Hathian & Laveau.

In addition, I’m allocating funds for a broader spectrum of faculty positions at CU than found right now. This will include administrative clerks, guidance councillors and a legal team to protect both faculty and students from harsh legal actions by institutions such as CUPD, HPD and the Laveau Sheriffs’ Department.

Emphasis on Teacher’s Aides

Closing the gap between the student body and faculty, a revamped TA (Teacher’s Aide) system has been launched at CU. We will offer our students the unique possibilities of serving as Teacher’s Aides, earning both hard cold cash, but also academic credit and written recommendations, in exchange for organizing classes, field studies and other educational events on behalf of their assigned professor.

Here’s a few examples on what TA’s can help with:

Hosting Debate Club or Science Club
Holding classes in their Professors spheres of Education
Serving as Research Assistants
Conducting Studies / Field Studies
Organizing educational events around Campus
Serving as Assistant Coaches
Tutoring
Working as Faculty members personal assistants

In Closing

Since my appointment as Dean of Columtreal University I have seen and heard many voice their questioning of the promotion I received. Some even go as far as to question my academic qualifications, or often mention the controversy surrounding me as a person. While people are entitled to their opinions, I think we can all agree on my extensive resume and my ability to make things happen that others can only dream about… and that is exactly what I will do with Columtreal University as well, to make things happen outside the scope of your imagination.

For those wondering about my resume, here it is: