Hathian’s Best & Worst 2026
Eight awards. One city. Absolutely no guarantee of respectability.
Dear readers, it has come to my attention that the Hathian Observer spends an unreasonable amount of time telling you who has been arrested (Yuugen), shot (Yuugen), kidnapped (most of everyone else), sued (Fitz), set on fire (not me for a while), accused of corruption (HPD… FDH… HPD… FDH… Civil Engineers…), rescued from something they probably should never have entered in the first place (be that human or environmental), or photographed leaving a building at a speed suggesting that whatever happened inside was definitely somebody else’s problem.
This is valuable public service journalism. I am proud of the service that I and the team perform and for when you want a slightly slower pace, you can view our Columtreal material. A bit less ‘burn them in a wickerman’ and a bit more ‘tee-hee… boobies…’ and all that.
But I do understand that the constant cycle of Hathian news could be exhausting in tone.
So, before 2026 manages to produce another terrorist siege, collapsing building, homicidal religious ceremony, police raid, Hopper BBQ, or entrepreneur accepting human teeth as legal tender (Yeah, I remember that), I have decided we should take a moment and answer a much more important question:
The Observer has done competitions before. Some of you may remember Mr & Miss Hathian. Some of you may even remember how democratic that became.
We’re trying something broader this time.
Eight categories. Three awards for making Hathian better, more interesting or merely slightly less appalling. Three for those people, places and decisions that have looked at our already remarkably low civic standards and whispered, “Hold my drink.” And two more because Stanley apparently believes the Observer cannot truly serve the public without ranking tits and trousers.
Oh and because Stanley insisted ‘Best boobs’ and because I am an equal opportunity journalist and insisted I would NOT photograph any more boobs for him, ever, I’ve been allowed ‘Best Bulge’. Yay for equality and low standards.
Three Reasons Hathian Isn’t Entirely Doomed
Hathian’s Best Business or Venue
The “Please Don’t Burn This One Down” Award
Hathian businesses have the approximate life expectancy of unattended seafood in July on Batterie’s picnic tables. Some open with enormous ambitions and vanish three weeks later. Others survive shootings, hurricanes, extortion, staff drama, murder investigations and customers who believe “I know the owner” is a recognised form of currency.
This award is for the business, venue or organisation that you think genuinely makes Hathian a better place to live.
Maybe the food is excellent. Maybe the owner actually gives something back. Maybe it employs half the city. Maybe it provides somewhere people can meet without immediately stabbing one another. Maybe it simply survived long enough that we have become emotionally attached to the furniture. Maybe it’s the Gein, because you are a cannibal (Joke. Probably).
Past Observer coverage has celebrated businesses that endured while competitors disappeared, restaurants that expanded into wider enterprises and local ventures that tried to offer something useful to the community, and yes, I know… But Daiyu, does that include drug laced products? Have it Hathian you animals.
Tell us: What makes it good? What does it contribute? Why should anybody who isn’t the owner care if it disappeared tomorrow?
And yes, business owners may nominate themselves.
Have some dignity about it.
Or don’t. This is Hathian and you’re all swimming in this pool together.
Hathian’s Community Backbone
The “Thank Fuck Someone Competent Was Here” Award
Every disaster produces heroes. Hathian simply produces so many disasters that some people appear to have heroism listed as recurring calendar activity.
This award is for the person who makes the city function when everyone else is making it considerably harder. Firefighter. Medic. Doctor. Teacher. Builder. Police officer. Volunteer. Business owner. Journalist, although nominating me will be regarded as suspiciously intelligent behaviour. If you think your gang boss is a Community Backbone (and we’ve had thinking Rejects before talking about the ghetto, poverty and more) then go for it.
The winner does not need to be morally perfect. I think you can agree with me that finding six morally perfect people in Hathian would delay publication until approximately… Jesus’s second-coming.
We’re looking for somebody whose visible actions have repeatedly ‘helped’ others, kept something running, rebuilt something broken or made the city tangibly less awful. If you believe getting stoned out of your mind is that, you can nominate the weed shop. I really don’t care. Just better. Not torture and shit. Ok?
Tell us: What did they actually do?
“He’s lovely” is not evidence.
Neither is “she has a nice bum,” although you may place that in supplementary remarks.
Hathian’s Best Original
The “There Is Absolutely Nobody Else Like This Person” Award
This is perhaps my favourite.
Every city has residents. Hathian has characters.
The people you would notice missing. The ones whose arrival changes the temperature of a room. The ones with an unmistakable style, reputation, habit, profession, personality or particular strain of insanity that could only really flourish here. The ones who transformed from shit-covered to hosting Crackchella for example (nb. just illustrative. Don’t give Fitz yet more recognition).
This is not an award for being the strongest gangster, richest business owner or highest-ranking officer. We are not measuring imaginary power levels and nobody gets points because their friends insist they are secretly terrifying.
We’re judging presence.
Maybe they have been standing outside the same shop for five years. Maybe they throw extraordinary events. Maybe they dress like nobody else. Maybe they have survived things that should have converted them into a memorial plaque several times over. Maybe they have become so embedded in Hathian that explaining the city without mentioning them would feel incomplete.
Our archives are full of people like that. Chainsaw-wielding fixtures. Doctors with complicated basements. Cops who become running jokes and then somehow become institutions.
Criminal record neither required nor disqualifying.
For Outstanding Services to Terrible Decisions
Hathian’s Worst Public Menace
The “Oh Fuck, They’re Here” Award
Important distinction:
This is not “Hathian’s strongest person.” and it’s not “most powerful gang leader.” It is not “who would win in a fight between fourteen people and a helicopter.” It’s not ‘Krystal’ because that answer by itself with no context is just a meme.
Take that nonsense elsewhere.
This award is for the individual whose publicly observable behaviour has repeatedly made life worse for everybody unfortunate enough to occupy the same postcode.
Maybe they terrorise people. Maybe every party they attend ends with emergency services. Maybe they extort businesses. Maybe they kidnap people to make philosophical points. Maybe they are technically employed to protect the public but appear to regard that description as an amusing administrative error while they baton your backside.
The Observer archives offer many inspirational examples.
Tell us: What did they do, where did they do it, and why should they win?
Personal dislike alone isn’t enough.
If it were, I could fill the shortlist myself.
Hathian’s Most Questionable Business
The “How Is This Place Still Open?” Award
Not necessarily the worst business.
That would be boring.
We want the one that causes you to stop outside, look at the sign and wonder exactly which government department has failed most spectacularly.
Perhaps its prices qualify as armed robbery without the weapon. Perhaps the staff are terrifying. Perhaps its stock raises ethical questions. Perhaps its basement raises more ethical questions. Perhaps its loyalty scheme involves blood. Perhaps somebody once attempted to pay in teeth. Perhaps you have entered completely sober and still emerged uncertain what happened.
Hathian’s economy has always possessed an admirably loose relationship with conventional regulation. This award celebrates the establishment taking fullest advantage of that fact.
Owners may campaign for this award.
Owners may also campaign desperately against receiving it.
Both approaches will amuse me. Commence. Please.
Hathian’s Worst Idea That Actually Happened
The “At No Point Did Anybody Say Stop?” Award
This category exists because occasionally a person is not the problem.
The idea is.
Hathian has hosted torture games disguised as moral experiments. Anti-police demonstrations that became violent. Elaborate gang spectacles. Public rituals involving actual human beings and actual fire. Businesses, parties, weddings, protests and civic initiatives where at some point several adults apparently gathered together, reviewed the proposal and collectively decided:
“Yes. This seems sensible.” Ok, sometimes gang leaders thought “Yes… Fuck Hathian with this event…” but that also kinda can be a ‘worse’ idea as their partners get killed, or they get jailed and meet Krystal’s baton.
So this idea was not sensible.
We want the finest example from 2026.
The idea can have come from a person, gang, business, institution, public body or group of people who should all have known better.
Tell us: who was responsible and why it deserves immortality.
If you were responsible yourself, self-nomination displays an admirable degree of self-awareness.
The Important Journalism
Hathian’s Best Boobs
The “Stanley Insisted This Was Journalism” Award
This is Stanley’s category.
I want that on record.
Apparently the Hathian Observer can investigate terrorism, corruption, collapsed buildings, police shootings, hurricanes and the repeated civic question of why somebody has once again put a human being near open flame, but according to my boss there remains a serious gap in our public-interest reporting:
Boobs.
Fine.
So here we are.
This is not a scientific measurement exercise. Nobody is required to produce a tape measure, medical certificate, cup size, photographic proof from their bedroom or a notarised statement from an ex-partner. We are judging the thing Hathian actually gets to see: presentation, confidence, memorable outfits, shameless deployment and the sort of cleavage that has caused otherwise functional adults to forget what they were saying halfway through a sentence.
Tasteful nominations are welcome. Untasteful nominations will probably also arrive because I know where I live.
Tell us: Why them? Is it the look? The confidence? The outfit? The fact that half the room visibly stopped working when they walked in?
Photographs are allowed. Sending me nudes for this purpose will not be considered unsolicited. But they may end up in Stanley’s inbox too.
Hathian’s Biggest Bulge
The “Equality Has Consequences” Award
When Stanley demanded Best Boobs, I raised an important question about journalistic equality.
He regretted this almost immediately. So, gentlemen, and anybody else making a sufficiently ambitious contribution to the front of their trousers: welcome to your category.
Again, this is not a medical examination and I am not measuring anybody. I cannot believe I had to write that.
We are looking for publicly observable trouser-based confidence. The person whose tailoring has done heroic work. The resident whose jeans have prompted a second glance, a raised eyebrow, a whispered prayer or an urgent reassessment of local zoning regulations. MY GOD DAIYU… HE STRETCHES TO THE NEXT ZIP CODE. That kinda thing.
Padding allegations may be submitted. Counter-allegations may also be submitted. Editor may be required to inspect to decide.
Tell us: Why should they win? Reputation? Presentation? A particularly memorable outfit? Has their tailoring become a public safety issue?
How Nominations Work
Send The Observer
Category: Which of the eight awards?
Nominee: Person, organisation, business or event.
Your reason: A few sentences explaining why.
Evidence: If you have an Observer article, photograph, public post or something you personally witnessed, tell us. You do not need to submit a legal brief, but “everyone knows” remains the traditional refuge of people who know absolutely fuck all.
Photographs: Very welcome.
Yes, You Can Campaign
Self-nomination is allowed. Nominating your friends is allowed. Nominating your enemies is classic and welcome.
Anonymous nominations may be considered, although putting your name behind an accusation makes me considerably more interested in it.
Make posters. Tell your friends. Buy advertisements. Persuade people to nominate you. Persuade them to nominate somebody else. Publicly explain why your business is obviously better than the disgusting establishment three streets away.
This is exactly the kind of terrible civic behaviour I am hoping to encourage.
Can I Bribe The Editor?
Yes. Obviously.
Cash. Flowers. Chocolate. Alcohol. Restaurant invitations. Interesting photographs. Flattery. Advertising contracts. Expensive stationery. Useful information about your rivals.
I am prepared to consider almost anything.
A bribe does not guarantee victory. It guarantees only that I received a bribe. It may also be mentioned in the eventual article.
Threatening the Editor is technically another form of lobbying, although historically it has been considerably less effective.
Please do not send severed body parts to the Observer office. Again.
So Who Actually Decides?
Nominations will determine the field.
The Observer will then publish a shortlist for all eight categories, including the best arguments, photographs and, where appropriate, relevant material from our archives.
And then?
Well.
This is the Hathian Observer, dear reader.
Did you genuinely think I was going to promise perfect democracy? Public support will matter. The strength of the nomination will matter. What the Observer has actually documented will matter.
Campaigning may matter. Bribery may matter. How much I personally enjoy your attempt to bribe me may matter considerably. There will be prizes because prestige alone does not pay for ammunition, cocktails or therapy.
Further details will follow with the shortlist.
