By: Carly Cox / Advice Columinist (and distant relation to Maja – Ed)
I recently asked people to submit more questions or life dilemmas as the Ask Carly advice column had grown a bit stale and it had basically evolved into me sharing my unsolicited wisdom, while forgetting about the common people I set out to save – one truth at a time.
Oh boy did you guys not disappoint! I got some real gems for you today, but before we get started, there’s the usual feminist trigger warning. If you don’t want your eyes to bleed, you should probably stop reading now, because this advice column will as always seek to burst your paramasturbatory illusion that women are not in fact driven by free will, but enslaved by our biological urges, just as the men are.
With that out of the way, let’s dive into it!
Letter 1: Giving Head
Dear Carly
Why is it expected of me to give head every time I have sex, but no-one ever wants to go down on me?
I’m a great fan of your work, and hope you can enlighten me on this.
– Rae
Dear Rae
Considering most guys are pretty bad at eating pussy, I’m not even sure what the actual issue is here. Aside from blaming the French for inventing oral sex as a means to pacify the British, there’s a few things you need to understand about the nature of women.
Most women (unless you are a feminist that never gets laid) are per biological design, submissive in nature. Being submissive equals submitting to a mans dominance, and there isn’t a more dominating sexual position, than a girl on her knees with a dick in her mouth.
Ever since the dawn of man, women have sought to obtain a man that can provide for them, and for most women this has not changed. The price for the providing in the stone age, was babies… today its oral sex. Because while our cultural norms have changed, and women have begun providing for themselves, our biological imperative of submitting to men, has not. Makes you wonder if it was truly men that created the so called patriarchy, and not ourselves.
So to answer your question, you are expected to suck more dick than you are getting eaten, because deep down you want to. So you might as well accept it and be a good little slut.
With love, Carly
Serpent’s Den – Get Intimate – Yes Please…
I recently started working at Serpent’s Den in Laveau again, and I’m actually right here tending the bar as I’m writing this edition of the column, so I asked a patron of ours what she thought would be a good answer, so here goes…
“And as for your question…I’ll just tell ya that girl’s a fuckin’ pussy and she shouldn’t stay with assholes that expects shits from her without givin’ back. Or straight up do like me an’ only date girls. That a good answer?”
I’ll let the readers make the verdict on that one, but a salute goes out to Clivia the Laveau pot sister as she referred to herself as!
We’ll grab another!
Letter 2: Who’re You?
Dear Carly,
I’ve read all your articles, and you seem to be proud of being called a whore. Why is that?
– Charlie
Dear Charlie
It’s pretty simple to me… because I am a whore. In fact, all women are whores, the more expensive ones are just called ‘Wives’.
- He pays for your drinks at the bar, and then fucks you when you’re drunk
- He buys you dinner on the first date, and then fucks you afterwards
- He pays the mortgage, while he repeatedly fucks you on Wednesday nights
- And the list goes on…
Most women have tried one or more of these scenarios, where the romance aims to hide the fact that there was a monetary transaction for sex. It matters little that I are in love, or just had some urges to please, or I fucked for money, which per definition makes me a whore. That, and I do actually fuck for money, just come by the Den if you want my rates.
With love, Carly
This concludes this edition of the Ask Carly Advice Column. (Thankfully – Ed)
If you are in need of solid advice send me a message on [email protected] and you might get it answered in the next edition.
