37 mins read

(The following is a video posted on the Observer website of Episode 1 of The Hathian Bachelor reality show.)



David was sitting in his wheelchair in disguise, and flying on perc.  Surely no one would find in this disguise since people were looking for him… that’s what happens when you escape HGH.  But his disguise was stupendous.  He played with his wheelchair, wheeling it back and forth, back and forth, while waiting for James to arrive. “HAS ANYONE DONE HIS MAKEUP?” he shouted for no good reason. “HE HAS TO LOOK GOOD NEXT TO ME! I CAN’T BE NEXT TO A WRINKLY MAN!” because he’s a celebrity and things.

James was escorted off to the mansion or where ever it was that this interview was going to be taking place. Upon stepping out of the car, that one eye swept across the exterior of the building to survey the build — and out came a scoff of disapproval. Seems it wasn’t enough to impress one of the wealthiest men around. Though he still managed to put on a bright smile that was given to David upon approaching the wheelchair bound man, and a hand shot out from his side to offer a handshake. “Mister Pink, I presume?” Always with the formalities. He tried his best to ignore the eccentric behavior.

David watched as the limo pulled up. The cameras were set and the first shot would be of a dashing old Colonel stepping out of the limo in style.  As he walked up to David per instruction, David looked up… waaaay up at James responding to his smile with a dilated one of his own, ear to ear with his pearly whites showing.  Remaining seated in his wheelchair he shot a hand back to shake it.  The cameras were already rolling and this part of the show was always quite casual.  “Shhhh… Yeah its me but don’t tell anyone.” speaking in a loud whisper and looking around like a squirrel protecting its… well you know.  “I presume to be happy to meet you Colonel.” a quick smile flashed to the camera before returning to the man “How do you feel being on the show?” completely not addressing the fact that he was wearing a pink wig, a hat with ears, pink shorts and a rather large cast.

James found himself able to smile that much easier, given the choice of apparel that David was sporting for the occasion. This sight had proven to be much more worth his time than the mansion that he would be spending the next couple weeks. “Oh, sure thing. It’s our little secret.” He laughed to the first comment from David and wrapped his massive hand around the much smaller one of the mans to give it a firm shake, and then promptly return that cane to join the other atop his cane. “Well, honestly I’m not sure. This is going to be a change from the norm without a doubt. I’ve never so much as seen an episode of the bachelor. But, I can say I’m excited to be trying something new and finally meet the ladies.”

David nodded as James spoke, his ear to ear smile with bright white teeth intact.  The nodding continued for far longer that it was meant to but you can thank the drugs for that.  “Well I can tell you Colonel, the ladies are excited to meet you too.  We have some goooooooorgeous ladies lined up, especially Ren…” he stopped and looked at the producer who was behind the camera, swinging his head back to James “But I mean ALL of them are just.. lovely!” He had been warned by production about playing favourites.  “Well.. we won’t make you or the ladies wait any longer.  Please make your way to the front door as each lady approaches.  I’ll have a little chat with her and send her over to you.” he turned his chair to point toward the door of the mansion but not without turning a full 360 in his chair first.

James maintained a bright smile to rival that of David’s as they spoke, for the sake of appearances and everything. He knew that in the end, they were still on television and had to make everything look good. Too bad he could only hold up half the eye contact that his fellow man was managing this entire while. His lips parted as if to speak something when he talked up one woman specifically, but quickly dismissed that thought and passed it off as nothing by simply turning his head to give a fake cough. “No rush. I don’t want them to be overwhelmed. I want to know they’re ready to see me.” He took a step to the side as if to move toward the front of the mansion as directed, but paused only briefly at the sight of David doing a little spin. Then when he was finally pointed in the right direction, a light bow of his head followed in gratitude and he followed on that way.

David watched as James acted quite perfectly – a man who knew how to behave in such instances with all the right makings of a gentleman.  Nodding at the Colonel’s words he continued nodding as he watched the man walk away, assuming he’d find the front of the mansion.  He covered one side of his mouth with his hand and whispered loudly “Send Ren” because… playing favorites, and no one could see that because he covered the side of his mouth while FACING the camera… right? He the sat there waiting for Ren to approach him while one hand started to scratch the top of his cast.  Itchy.


Ren fluffed long blonde  waves before  flashing a bright smile , a slow purposeful walk bringing her toward  David ” ironsides” Pink … ” David!  so good to see  you again , only you could make a wheel chair look fabulous , I hope you aren;t in too much pain?”  her lower lip plumped put in a slight  pout , before  violet hues   would  connect with the camera , posing  next to David, making sure tits and ass were on full display to the nation … well Hathian at least

David was inspecting his cast as Ren was approaching.  Forgetting the cameras for a while until he heard the woman’s voice “REEEEENNN!!” he called out “You maaaade it!” as if she was coming to his party and not a TV show that she was unlikely to miss.  His arms shot up as if a touchdown was scored by whoever the best football team was nowadays.  “Pain??? Naaah.  I am in nooo pain at all! And you look faaaabulous.  How do you feel? Are you excited?” Just a little chit chat before she’d be sent to find James.

Ren nodded , ” I am soooooOOOoo excited “bouncing on her  feet she  did a lil dance  that soon evolved into her  twerking  around David’s chair, pausing  to kick out in various modelesque poses.  Leaning in she  whispered, ” David , I’m afraid to live in the house David .  David I think  they are going to be mean to  me ” her eyes lifted  looking to the other girls  before  nuzzling in  conspiratorially with the controversial host  ,” It will all be worthwhile when I win !”

Ana arrives at the house as the invitation specifies.  Making her way out to the interview area – ’cause another one of those is -just- what she wants – her hands move furiously against her tires, propelling her forward like she’s racing.  Taking the turn, she nearly tips the damn thing onto two wheel.  “WOOOOOOOO” she yells out as she begins to circle David and another woman at top speed – or at least as high speed as she can without tipping over.  At first, she doesn’t even notice that David has a wheelchair and a cast as well.  Pain killers are probably at work in her case.  “TWINSIES!” she calls out with a manic giggle.

David grinned again ear to ear as Ren rocked the poses when suddenly he heard her whispers and flashed a brief expression of concern, which switched back to exaggerated host grinning as he remembered the cameras.  “I’m.. umm.. so glad you’re… exciiited.” nodding to make up for the whispers but then added his own hushed statement “You’ll be fine.  And remember I’m officiating when you get proposed!” then back to normal.  “Well then Ren…” he barely got a sentence out when Ana sped in like a race car. “Whoa! Is that me with red hair?” shaking his head he looked back to Ren “Oh yes Ren… please go find Mister Colonel at the front of the Mansion.” wide-eyed smile, watching as she walked away before bringing his attention to Ana.

Ren paused and took a leading steop  toward the mansion only to  step back as Ana  came  careening around them , ” excuse me .. miss …. excuse me ..” finally the blonde made a run for it , leaping onto the deck ,  turning she glared ,  leveling a pointed finger at Ana , ” Jealous!” , turning on her heel Ren went off in search of the male species


James continued on down the way after being pointed toward the entrance, but the first place where he came to a stop was a garage. That hardly looked like a welcome area, and so he just kept walking and wandering about. Certainly he would find something along the way that would tip him off to where he was supposed to stand. A camera crew standing about waiting for him, or something along those lines. Either way, soon enough he found himself lost and wandered straight off the property and into the grass where he apparently began to appreciate nature.

Ren glanced about  there was the garage , and stairs , a lot of stairs, she wasnt about to climb the only to find she was in the wrong place.  Perplexed  for a moment the  blonde  cupped her hands to  her lips and called out , ” Colonelllllllllllll , Colonellllllll WeaverrrrrrRrrRr”  she  did a full cirlce looking to the cameraman  following her moves , ” where is he ? You didn’t lose him did you? If you did  David is  going to hate you! ”  flashing a pleasant smile  again she tried calling  out , taking a few steps toward the stairs , ” Colonel are you up there ? It’s me  REN!”

​James should really be thankful that his old age had not made him deaf. The first shout from Ren had caught his attention, bringing him to turn slightly in place to the origin of the shout. Then there was another shout, and he couldn’t mistake the sound of someone calling his name. “Hello, Ren!” He shouted from his position and started to slowly make his way back through the grounds, head on a swivel to seek out the woman. “I’m on my way!”

Ren the blonds eyes were  drawn to the mans form as he emerged from the brush at the  front of the house, regaining her composure she  prowled  toward the man ,an easy sway to her hips  and a bounce  to full breasts , extending her hand , with a bit of a royal flourish and flex of the wrist , ” hello , Colonel , a sincere pleasure to meet you , you are every bit as amazing looking as I thought you’d be ! I am Ren , currently I work as a burlesque dancer , and lawyer .  I used to be a Police lieutenant  Barrista , All I can say Colonel is  I am so excited to meet you , and cannot wait to hear  all your  stories  about  the things Colonel’s do ” ren was wide eyed, unable to contain her excitement she began to hop up and down , lush breasts  echoing her movements with a jaunty little bounce , “I am sorry  should calm  down , it’s just not everyday  a girl meets a real live hero ”

James settled his cane to stick into the ground alongside him as Ren made her approach. Truth was that he didn’t really need it to get around, but he did have a bad back that could go out on him at the worst possible moments from time to time. More of a safety precaution than a necessity. These were the struggles that came with being a literal giant. “You as well.” He said with a smile to Ren and reached out to take her hand within his own, then draw it up where he could tenderly kiss the top of it like a true gentleman. “Lieutenant, dancer, the resume that you’ve got. Refreshing to see a young woman that works so hard.” His singular eye was trained steadily upon each of hers, with only a momentary glance offered toward the bouncing milk jugs. He had to put a conscious effort into appearing as if he were the perfect gentleman. “No worries, Ren. You don’t have to be nervous. I’m no more of a hero than yourself.” So humble. Acting as though a police Lieutenant compared to a war veteran that lost his eye in war

Ren shook her head solemnly , ” Colonel I don’t mean to disagree with you ,  but you Sir are a hero and a legend and  this country owes you a debt of gratitude for your service , fighting oppression , and hatred and ignorance , standing up  for  God Freedom and the American way !” Ren’s inner cheerleader once again came out , though as she kicked her leg  the hem of her skirt  rose up  over her hips , tugging it  down she blushed a little , or at least tried to appear as if she were  blushing ,playing coy ” I am  sorry i go a little overboard when I meet  people I so admire ” she canted her head  to one side smiling almost angelically , ” I notice you  walk with a cane Colonel , and oddly  I am almost the same height as your cane , just a little  taller , if you ever need to feel free to grab my hair  and pull me up against  your other leg and use me …………… like crutches  you know if both legs start hurting ”

James felt a rumble of laughter roll forth from his gut as Ren insisted upon complimenting him further. He didn’t know exactly how to respond to such behavior since it was practically foreign to the old man. Especially with the way he spent his days cooped up all alone in a massive house these days. “Well thank you, Ren. It was a pleasure to serve my country. I’m glad to have people like yourself out here in the states standing up for our soldiers.” A light bob of his head was introduced along with his gratitude, that smile lingering all the same. For now he seemed to be fitting the role of a naive, old man being made to feel important by a woman young enough to be his daughter. Maybe even his granddaughter. The skimpy outfit she chose to wear probably did work in her favor as well. “Oh, yes. I do. But–” His explanation was cut short on hearing Ren starting to dive into detail of what he could do to her, and his eye grew progressively wider. He might be old, but even he had a hard time believing that was a perfectly innocent suggestion. “Well..” He cleared his throat, “I appreciate the offer. I will keep that in mind.”

Ren  heard the sound of wheels  rolling up behind her , glancing over her shoulder she  took a step back , the 4 women were about as different as girls could get , letting out a soft sigh , the blonde could only hope she made a good impression , extending her hand again , ” It’s been a pleasure Colonel , I hope you get  to know me  much better , I have some stories too , Cop stories … ” in truth ren had never arrested  a single person in her life and was made LT , because  the Captain  found her amusing. again glancing to Ana , ren smiled then looked the Colonels  way , ” I suppose I should head upstairs , on these  2 legs, also I should probably  let you know ..  wait I am saving that for our date ..”  grinning she  took a few steps back and  would race up the stairs to the mansion somehow managing to skip steps in spite of  wearing heels , once at the top she  blew kisses , and headed inside.



Ana skids to s stop as Ren leaps out of the way – good thing too, as Ana may have run into her otherwise.  Oops?  “Of what?” she demands, still full of giggles.   Her gaze falls on David and she arches her brows.  “That needs to be pink….” she states seriously.  She shakes her hands and rubs them on her shorts, feeling the burn from trying to stop the chair.   She points in Ren’s direction.  “Where’s she goin’?”  She leans a little in the chair, looking to see where Ren runs off to.  “You look better…” she says, turning her attention back to David

David was starting to think that his disguise wasn’t that great after all.  Everyone seemed to know who he was.  This was quite unbelievable! “My wheelie? Yeah I told them to spray paint it pink before giving it to me but the stupid HGH staff doesn’t know how to follow orders.” eye-roll and scoff. “Soooo.. Ana.” he glances to the camera briefly with his hosts smile and back to her while Ren searched for James “Oh don’t you worry about her, I want to know how YOU are feeling right now? Excited? Nervous? Nauseous?” blinking while still smiling.

Ana laughs at David’s statement of HGH not following instructions.  “Get it custom done!” she suggests, bobbing her head in agreement with her own words.  She rocks the chair back and forth, humming to herself for a moment, in a good mood today.  “Me?  Oh…” she’s a little distracted still by where Ren’s gone, but shrugs it off as David asks her questions.  “I’m glad you finally got my name right.” she mutters, then smiles brightly at both David and the cameras.  “Nah, I’m not worried or nervous.”  Yep, gotta be the painkillers.  “Ain’t got nothing to worry about….” she assures everyone.

David had no idea what Ana meant about her name.  He always got it right… right? “Custom? Oh yes! Maybe I will… but first… yes.. Ana is your name.  And you must have one hell of a strategy going in, not being worried.  Well Ana, Are you ready to meet the bachelor? What am I saying! Ofcourse you are!” a pretentious sort of laugh before pausing to give Ana a chance to answer.

Ana blinks at David as he mentions the Bachelor.  Okay, -now- she’s nervous.   For a heartbeat, that smile falters before it’s plastered back into place.  Cameras and all, ya know.  “Sure!” she agrees in that chipper tone, even as David agrees for her.  Strategy?  Wait.  There’s a strategy to this? “My strategy?” she questions belatedly, shaking her head.  “I need one?”

David waves a playfully dismissive hand at Ana “Oh you joker you.  I’m sure you already got your strategy from the strategy store like weeks ago.” a chuckle “Well I have no idea if Ren and the Colonel are still talking but please go ahead and find the bachelor and introduce yourself.  Good luck Ana-Nicole.” he would extend an arm out toward where she should go.

​Ana narrows her eyes as he calls her Ana-Nicole now.  “How many times… it’s ANA.’ she says her name as slowly as possible, brows furrowing.  She makes note of the woman’s name and to confirm it later if she doesn’t now.  Her gaze darts to where David gestures, trying to see if she can manage ti get onto the grounds to say hello or find …well, anyone.   Before leaving, she leans over and gives David’s chair away from her, if she can.  Remember…ANA….simple name!” she says as she grabs her wheels and wheels off.  She comes upon Ren and James at the tail end of Ren’s…offer.  She coughs a little in her attempt to choke back laughter at both her offer and his reaction to it.  Emerald pools drift over to James, drinking him in for the first time.  “You look better than junior….” she blurts out, a little surprise lacing her velvety tones.  She blinks at him, bringing that gaze, which has wandered to his toes, back up to his face.  She doesn’t linger anywhere in particular with those eyes – except for his face, which she seems to study for a moment longer before offering him a smile and a little blush.  She listens to Ren finish up her introduction, tilting her head a bit to take the woman in, in much the same manner as she did James.  Her brows arch a bit with Ren’s parting words and she turns back to James, smiling.  She leans forward a bit in a slightly awkward attempt to offer her hand to him.  “I”m Ana, it’s a pleasure to meet you Colonel.” she says, her voice a soft purr.  “How are you today?”

James felt as though each woman deserved his undivided attention as they came up to stand before him, and didn’t look away from Ren until she’d already left. “I look forward to talking with you further, Ren. Hold onto that thought of yours.. I’m not a fan of cliffhangers, so I will be asking about it later.” He said and wagged the massive finger of his free hand in her direction. “Junior?” He blinked at Ana after finally turning to look down at her, waiting for her to clarify what she meant. At least until it clicked, and he just gave a fake laugh. “Oh, my son. Well, that’s.. thank you.” He wasn’t really sure how one should respond to being told he was apparently more attractive than his own son. “The pleasure is mine, Ana.” He hunched forward enough to delicately join his hand with hers and reciprocate the handshake. “I’m doing well. Looking forward to meeting all of you lovely ladies. Yourself?” After their handshake concluded, he pulled himself back to standing upright and gave a wave toward her chair, “Did you fall?”

Ana blushes even deeper with the fake laugh he gives, the color sliding down to her belly.  Her gaze dips away slightly.  She can’t blame him for not really knowing how to take it, she hadn’t really meant to say it, though she didn’t mean anything bad by it for sure.  When he takes her hand and shakes it, she smiles and brings that gaze upward again with a flutter of lashes.  “I’m doing very well, thank you sir.”  Yes, she has southern manners when she chooses to use them or remembers she has them.  Her brows furrow a bit as he draws attention to her legs.  “No, not exactly.”  She hesitates a moment, not sure he wants to hear the story, really.  “Let’s just say I made someone angry….”  She shrugs a bit.  “I’ll tell you more later, if you want.”  It’s not really a story for this moment, considering the circumstances.  She isn’t entirely sure it’s a ‘date’ story either, but who knows?  She smooths that expression into one of genuine pleasure and contentedness.  “I think this will be an interesting experience to be sure.  Are you feeling overwhelmed yet?”  She giggles softly, teasing him playfully.  She has no idea if this is normal for him to be surrounded by women or not.

James did actually feel bad in a way for having allowed the exchange to become as awkward that it did after his son was brought into the conversation. Though just as she hadn’t intended to say it, he hadn’t expected to hear such a thing. These dates were bound to be full of surprises. “Well. Good.” He said with another smile and firm nod upon her confirmation of doing well. “Oh?” Like a curious dog, his head tilted to the side and he listened intently when she explained what happened to her legs. He was even partly tempted to ask if it was his son that had done it since he knew how volatile the young man could be, but refrained because well, this wasn’t about his kin. “If you are comfortable talking about it, then sure. No reason for you to tell me anything you aren’t comfortable with discussing, but I do hope you heal up soon.” He caught himself laughing again and shook his head when she asked if he was overwhelmed, “Yes, and no. I’m used to attention. Part of the job. But the past few years for me have been quiet. This is going to be quite the shift, I’m sure.

Em moves up next to Ana with a brief nod of her head, then looks to the large man with the cane.  “Good afternoon.”

Ana looks surprised that his last few years have been quiet.  “Well, here’s to livening up your life again!” she says cheerfully, flashing him an impish smile.  “Oh, I don’t mind telling the story….”  She tilts her head a bit.  “Just not sure here and now is the time and place, ya know?  Plus….I don’t know yet how you feel about law enforcement..”  She shrugs a little.  Her gaze flickers to Em and she smiles, inclining her head to the approaching woman.  “Hello again.” she greets softly.  She glances back to James and smiles more.  “This is my cue, I think…” she giggles softly.  “I hope we can talk again Colonel, sir…”  She’d give him a hug and looks like she wants to, but the damn chair doesn’t allow that.


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