Miss Lonelyhearts

4 mins read

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
What is the world coming to? Recently I saw a bunch of people beating up a person who was obviously an alien so I went over to help, but as I kicked the alien a few times I cut my foot. But when I went over to the hospital, I had to pay some money upfront! And I have insurance!
signed Red Footed ‘merican

Dear Son-of-a-bitch, oops, I mean Red-Footed,
Miss L doesn’t like any sort of violence, and it serves you right. In fact, if Miss L’s Nana was here, she’d say the Flying Pasghettii Monster punished you. Leave those people alone. Miss L isn’t sure why you even got involved. That’s the government’s job. Next time you see an alien, call those guys down at Area 51, or 52 or wherever they are.


Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
I never thought it would happen to me. I was sitting with my girlfriend and two of her friends when they took off their clothes and seduced me. I released in all three of them multiple times. The problem is they had their Mama Allpa species setting turned to “Rat” and now all three of them are pregnant with sextuplets. What should I do?
signed Panicked

Dear Panicked,
You stud. 18 babies on the way to support? Holey Buckets. You should start a sports team.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,

While we were having sex, my boyfriend slipped from my yumyum to my bumbum, and I don’t think it was an accident. Then he wanted to go back to my yumyum but I said no because you can get an infection that way. How can I prevent that from happening again?
signed Stiffed.

Dear Stiffed,
Ya, I don’t know what it is about going from the yumyumto the bumbum but guys sure seem to like that. Just be glad he didn’t go from bumbuum to humhum. One guy tried that on Miss L and she puked on his shoes.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,

My boyfriend’s wang-dang-doodle is huge. In fact, every guy I ever have been with since I came to Hathian is huge. Those things can hurt and the next day I can barely walk. What’s the deal?
signed Wrecked

Dear Wrecked,
Miss L knows what you mean. It’s like there’s something in the water. The average vajajay is 8 inches deep and if the average battleship in town is, like, 12 or something, that means there’s a heck of a lot of pipe going around unused, and that’s not good for anybody. You’d think that a race of men with ginormous homewreckers would have died out long ago, since every time they get a stiffy they ought to pass out cuz all their blood leaves their brain. Then the girl could to watch TV or something and not have to face that chore. She recommends an ice pack, or if you’re really sore, an icicle.


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