44 mins read

(The following is a video posted on the Observer website opertaining to The Hathian Bachelor reality show.)

Watch the Colonel take each of the contestants on a date.
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Watch the 1st Rose Ceremony:


Cameras show James and Ren arriving in separate limos.  Ren arrives first and makes her way inside, immediately getting everyone ready for James’ arrival.

Ren had her orders she was supposed to  play up her va va voom appeal and get the Colonel to loosen up  somewhat and create some  sexual tension in the show , something that  it had been lacking , up until now , ” Of course Colonel , I know you’d like to  get to know me better and what way is better than, watching  me dance ?”, she smiled , taking the drinks from  Jimmy and offering the Colonel his , ” On the rocks Colonel ” her own cocktail was a bright pink  confection of a  drink with  a swirly straw, an array of fruit , mostly cherries , and  2  plastic swords , duel anyone? smiling the vivacious blonde slid into the chair with the colonel

James didn’t protest to Ren sitting with him, why would he.  Ren was a gorgeous girl and he was about to have drinks and a show.  Although he was already thinking of what, if anything he needed to do to control the situation, he had some idea what she was all about.  Besides he was also very aware of the cameras and the town viewers.  His kids watching… his kids’s kids watching.  But it was too early to worry about these things.. right?  He sipped from his drink, his thoughts not showing as he maintained his traditional stoic expression on his face.  “Of course, clearly this is something you enjoy doing and as you said.” He turned his face to see hers better, his eyes connecting quite purposefully with hers “I intend to get to know you better.”  Her smile did receive a lopsided one of his own in response.

Ren smiled at James , sipping her drink as she began to ease over toward  the man , ” I am enjoying your company so much” she let her free hand slide up his lapel once more , feeling the fabric , ” If I am not mistaken this is the Gerogio Armani  regular fit wool suit , it retails for $2895, I know a lot about fashion and shopping … I….” thought for a long moment of something she could say that would be half as impressive as being a doctor and saving lives or minds like Em … ” can put both my feet behind my head ,  but I won’t  do that tonight I am not wearing panties and we dont know each other that well yet Colonel ”  canting her head a bit as she made the final motion  to settle on his lap stealthily softly , as if she was  afraid  he might toss her to the floor if he noticed


James sat with his arms opened out, allowing her to settle in however way she wanted whilst he sipped his scotch.  He exhibited great control and restraint, even though he was a man and still quite a virile one… do not let the cane fool you.  “You are not mistaken at all my dear.” his voice boomed despite his attempt to lower it in this very intimate setting.  “Can you now? Well you are right.  We also can never forget that we are under the watchful eye of thousands.” he’d say in a cautionary but polite tone.  The care with which she settled on his lap was noted and it made him smile.  Ren had been great at making him laugh, which was a rare occurrence anyway, unless he was with the grandkids.  He remained seated in the same stature, arms wide and cradling the frame of the couch, scotch in one hand that periodically made its way to his lips and then back to its original position.  “And I am enjoying your company as well.” he specially left that to be said for last.

As James  spoke of the camera’s , the blonde blinked  for the first time having forgotten they were there as she crossed and uncrossed her legs , she relaxed a bit against the  Colonel lightly nuzzling him , ” you smell nice too ” her fingers lightly brushing his beard , ” and you have a beard , I have never kissed a man  with a beard before” her lips puckered playfully, before that turned into  fish lips and laughter , turning to look at him excitedly , she turned around  to face him as she lifted to her feet .  ” I want to perform  for you , but I need to change first , Colonel if you would be  so kind as to  take a seat close to the stage I will  be on stage on moments , the vivacious blonde went in and brushed a kiss to his cheek , ” be out in 2 Seconds !” waving she ran off to the back stage area

James kept his eyes on the girl as she spoke, that lop-sided grin going nowhere.  Always aware of his surroundings but he would be a fool if he didn’t take at least some advantage of this setting.  Listening to her speak and letting the depth of his gaze be the only response.  As she laughed and then announced that she wanted to perform for him, he nodded and watched her get up “Alright then.” was all he said, agreeing to change his seat and wait while she changed for her performance.  Parents, you might want to send your kids into another room now.  The kiss was willfully accepted as she went off to get changed and he proceeded to finish his drink, lifting the glass with nothing but ice, shaking it to make a noise so the bartender would know to bring him another one.

The house lights  dimmed a bit , and then there was a swell of music and a booming male voice , ” Ladies and Gentlemen , Madames and  the male French guys … and you Colonel James Weaver American HERooooooOOOoooo, please  clap as I bring  the lovely, the famous ,  the beautiful , the smart , the blonde , RENNNNNNNN!”  waving the shapely blonde slinked up into her  spotlight , “Thank you .. thank you …” waiting for the applause to die down , which was mostly Jimmy she had tipped to  whistle and applaud , smiling to the Man in the audience she was trying to impress , ” This is for a very special man , Colonel , this is for you ” the delicate  fabric of her dress , swirled about her , sheer , revealing the lingerie  beneath …. ” I don’t practice Santeria…. I don’t need a crystal ball … ” acapella until the music  came up backing her  vocals , “I had a million dollars but I’d, I’d spend it all If I could find that Heina and that Sancho that she’s found I’d pop a cap in Sancho and I’d slap her down”
Ren had a  great voice , in her own mind at least. she sang freely , beautifully ,  occasionally she  was pitchy , but for the most part her voice was soft as silk and each word came off as  it might have been whispered during sex , or screamed ” What I really want to say, ah baby
What I really want to say, is I’ve got mine And I’ll make it, yes I’m going up. Tell Sanchito that if he knows what is good for him He best go run and hide Daddy’s got a new .45 And I won’t think twice to stick that barrel straight down Sancho’s throat

Believe me when I say that I got somethin’ for his punnnnnnnnnnnnnk ASS!” , Ren was singing the song  low and soft like a love ballad , but  the lyrics were something else , she swayed as the musical part of the song  with it’s ska strains  played.

James had a fresh drink in his hand soon enough as the show seemed to be starting… lights announcement and cheering.  As Ren was announced he clapped as well even though it was silent and was more symbolically tapping his fingers against part of the palm that held the glass.  Watching as Ren sashayed on to the stage.  His eyes attentive as were the rest of his senses, smiling as she dedicated her performance to him.  The glass came slowly and intently towards his lips while his gaze did not avert even for a moment, he almost wasn’t blinking.  With the exception of the smile, his expression was unwavering but clearly focused on her as she sang and moved for him.  As she started to sway he hitched one eyebrow, enjoying what was being presented to him.  He wouldn’t dare interrupt with words but there was no ambiguity that he was enjoying himself.

What Ren was presenting, figuring the Colonel was older she went for trying to cater to his oldness , “I hope you are enjoying yourself so far ” grabbing the stage mic she called out ” make sure the  crew and the Colonel are getting  drinks !!”  then spinning back and leaping off the stage, no small feat in stiletto stripper heels, the blonde danced up on the Colonel smiling as she whispered , ” I know kids watching .. grandkids watching” sang her heart out at last finishing… (( ))  there was a soft drum beat that continued as  the song  ended , and Ren began to  strut  up the stage , coyly pulling at the single tie that held her  gown together in the  front , striding  back down the run way to wear the  Colonel was sat she   let the lacey frock slide from her shoulders , opening her arms , letting it finally slide off her body and pool on the floor behind her , speaking softly she looked at  the Colonel , her eyes a very lucid blue , ” I like making you smile “, standing before him now in black lingerie she  grinned , a second  song starting up for her , preening and posing upon the dance pole before she really began to  move , letting her hips  rock up on the hard brass of the dancers pole , as her eyes gazed at James, ((Rens  dancing song ..  )) . her movements both lewd and graceful , being very in tune with her body she was  very aware of

James nodded sagely to her comment “I am indeed.” he sipped his scotch carefully, all of his focus was on Ren.  The rest of the crowd may have been reacting but he didn’t pay much attention to them.  That wasn’t to say that he wasn’t aware of them or their actions and it gave him pause to think about how this equation would work in the long term.  Setting that thought aside for now, he heard her remind him of who was watching and appreciated in a sense that she was aware of this as well and interpreted that to mean that she was being careful as well.  Of course the next act was for her lacey cover to drop to reveal the lingerie underneath and it caused both his brows to loft.  Another sip of his drink to mask, or try to, his reaction to what was before him.  As she spoke again his gaze lifted to her and he offered that half smile that she claimed credit for.  All eyes were on Ren, included his singular orb, drinks and a show was turning into a great idea.  And it was hard to miss the stir she was causing in the club.  He continued to listen as the next song came on and she moved more suggestively through the music, indeed becoming one with it.

Ren arched back over the  leather arm of the chair , her body poised gracefully , her leg lifting in a high kick , pushing off the chair she sashayed around the man watching his singular eye  follow, looking at him she shimmied back and forth  the straps  of her top falling  from slender shoulders , Ren’s eyes were locked on the  Colonel and since  this was a dance for him  and him alone she  spoke as she moved , her voice soft , ” you know Colonel , I could picture , dancing for one man for the rest of my life … ” the camera  zooming in  on her face , as if on cue the air conditioner switched on and the  vent  above her fanned  the  lush mass of golden tangles about her face , ” I am a lawyer , I would like to provide  free legal council  for those that cannot afford an attorney , I have  glasses and  everything  , they make me look so smart!”  reaching  behind her she  unhooked her  bra , crossing her arms over her chest as it fell  off , holding it in place for now ” dancing close she smiled , ” I love to make  people happy , I think  I could make you smile … a lot … and I know tricks , like  gymnastic  type  stuff ….. never  before done outside the Olympics!” with that the blonde  did a series of cartwheels  and handsprings  landing back at the Colonel with  a smile , ” Hi there ” her top had fallen off , though because of the camera crew  , ren was not naked underneath , shimmying out of her  panties she stepped out of them again dancing up on the Colonel ” I have a pornographic memory and a penchant for public service  , and fashion ,and the environment , and shoes , and dance and the S word” she leaned in explaining to the man  ” I was talking about Ess EEE  EX but I didn’t want to say I want to fuck you in front of your children ” pressing up she continued to dance the next song playing her eyes  sparkled she looked at the man , hoping to sense some  kind of connection.

James watched and listened intently as he finished yet another drink, setting the glass aside.  Hearing her every word that was indeed picked up by the mics no matter how hushed she was, and watching her every move, knowing full well that it was meant to entice him and seduce him.  He wasn’t the Colonel for nothing after all, he had lived life and he was a man at the end of the day, taking pleasure in the presence of a sensual woman was almost a thing that was expected.  As she leaned up closer he would aim to grab her chin between his thumb and index finger, and if successful he would keep her face there, closing the gap by leaning up the rest of the way.  He would deepen his gaze further, his one eye doing the job of two, “You are a very sensual young woman Ren.  And I have thoroughly enjoyed watching you dance.” Speaking slow and steady, punctuating every other words with a pause, “You are truly beautiful and its clear that you are a fan favourite here.” Lips almost brushing, almost but not quite, although each word would likely crash into her lips unless she had moved away.  Adding insult to injury he whispered “And thank you for not saying it in front of my children.”

Ren gazed at him as he took her chin in hand , looking wide eyed and almost angelic , despite being nearly naked , nodding softly , ” I know ” her eyes  flicked toward the camera awkwardly for a moment as they zoomed in from behind James , directly over his shoulder , a part of her wold be glad when she wasn’t constantly being filmed, ” You’re welcome Colonel , thank you so much for this date I have loved it ” looking shy for a brief moment , ” I really hope you choose the one that makes you happy , I think you should be happy the rest of your days … I don’t mind that you are older than me, you are older than a lot of people, I don’t hold it against you at all, I like your poise and strength , and poise in any situation” it was then the blonde tried to get a look to see if she had gotten a ‘rise’ out of the Colonel at all.


The camera then cuts to the beach.  It’s a different day entirely.  It is the day James and Em were to have their second date.  Quick cuts showing the two arriving in separate limos, James in black swimming trunks and a green polo shirt while Em wore her black 2-piece, over which she’d throw on some loose-fitting Harem-style pants and a tank top in teal.  A hand extended out to Em as James would guide her down the steps heading into the sands of Batterie Beach.

James would begin walking with her, listening as she spoke. “Well change can be good.” referring to her hair which was now black, as she explained she was just looking to change it up a bit. “… the colours were wonderful but you look just as lovely with the dark hair.” he nodded as he walked along the sand making holes in it with his cane.  Reaching the blanket he sat himself down next to her, letting the cane fall in the sand as they faced the water.  He would watch if Em would dig into the basket, he was okay to wait a little before digging in but wouldn’t stop her, or refuse anything that was offered.  “Is the ability to change things frequently, like your hair color, something important to you?” He knew she was young and he may not know how to work a gif on twitter but he sure knew enough to notice that the young ‘uns in town changed partners faster than they changed shoes.  After all… he was young once… he knew how it was.

The basket was actually a cooler and inside was some cut fruit, some deli meats, cheese, vegetable sticks, hard boiled eggs and some mini-sandwiches, Set beside the basket was a box of crackers, some croissants in a bag and two plates and two tall, thin glasses.  Also in the cooler was a bottle of champagne.  “I like the colorful hair because it’s unique and stands out.  I was told, not too long ago, that I don’t stand out as a person.  At least my hair can.”  She says with a light smile.  It was something that had hurt her to hear, but she passed it off as not bothering her.  Em makes short work of spreading out the little buffet of snacky foods for them and hands him the bag of buns to take his own if he’d like.  She then goes about pouring them each a glass of champagne.  Might as well, right?  “Change is good, but only if it brings with it something positive.  Stability is also good, and something that seems to be pretty rare these days.  You know, they say that if you’re in the same job for a year, you’re doing something wrong, because you lack progression?  I’d love to stay in my job for the rest of my life.  I love helping people.  Though, I suppose there’s other levels to what I do that I can advance to as well.  So, it really depends on the situation.”

James furrowed his brow a little as Em revealed what someone had said to her “I have to disagree with this person.  When we first met you certainly stood out and no offence intended but, it had nothing to do with your hair.” Accepting her offering he took out a bun and held it for a moment.  He was happy to move a bit slowly and was in no real rush, just enjoying the scenery and company and soon enough the food.  He watched periodically as she was putting everything out and pouring them champagne, something just felt very natural about the setting and the interaction.  Nodding as she answered his question, the answer was a good one and it gave him pause to think “I’d have to agree with you.” he’d say after a brief moment of reflection.  If the glass had been handed to him by now he would lift it to her and ask “What would you like to toast to?”

Em looks up at James when he makes his compliment and smiles before looking back to the food basket, the soft pink coloring her cheeks rather evident on her pale skin.  She wasn’t really good with accepting compliments.  Not the type to be like, ‘You’re damn right I stand out!  Love me, bitch!’  Instead, she almost acted as if it hadn’t happened at all.  “I suppose I do stand apart in a way.  Most of the women in this town that I’ve seen are rather promiscuous.  Eager to throw their clothes off and jump on any man that glances their way.  I get the whole, comfortable with your sexuality thing, but there’s expressing yourself sexually, and then there’s ,,,, well, I don’t know how to describe it that’s appropriate for family viewing.”  She plucks a grape from a small cluster and pops it into her mouth.  It was sweet and juicy, and thankfully seedless, so she didn’t wind up surprised by a crunch.  Looking back to James when he asked what to toast to, she’d pause for a moment and considered before lifting her glass toward him.  “To the chance to experience more.”  What exactly she meant by ‘more’ was left up to interpretation.  Sitting on this beach was technically her second date since coming to the US.

James would notice the blush and it caused him to smile but he would never point it out, it just wasn’t the nice thing to do.  He nodded at her elaboration watching her with care as she spoke, then turned his head toward the water he would add “Yes… I’d say there is a time and place for all things and those who know how to apply this are in a unique position of strength in this town.” Words of wisdom and propriety coming from the man who once upon a time was quite the opposite. As she made the somewhat vague yet very appropriate toast, he extended his glass to clink with hers before taking in a generous sip and turned in his seating to face her and the food better.  He’d start picking at and consuming the various fruits, cheeses and other goodies that Em was so kind as to lay out nicely.  “So Em… would you say you’re a swimmer.” nudging his head slightly toward the large body of water that beckoned toward them, waves lapping as though calling them over with a gesture.

Em takes a slow drink from her champagne flute.  She hadn’t had any of the croissant, but she did have a couple of cheese and crackers, so the alcohol wouldn’t be going straight to her head, but she didn’t really drink all that often anymore, either, so her tolerance wasn’t what it once was.  “A unique position of strength… interesting perspective on it.”  She picks up one of the strawberries and bites into it, savoring the sweetness for a moment as she looks out over the water, watching how the sunlight sparkles off the rippled surface.  When James asked if she was a swimmer, she’d chuckle lightly.  “As strange as it sounds, Scorpio is a water sign.  Despite scorpions living in the desert.  I’ve never understood that, but yeah… I love the water.  Swimming, soaking in a hot bath, listening to the sound of rain…”  Em lifts her glass to take another drink from the champagne before she took her eyes from the scenery and glanced over at James to see that he’d turned more towards her.  She smiled a bit to see he was listening attentively.  Most men didn’t do that.

James was a man of liquor and amber coloured poisons.  Not a lot to do for a man who is retired and still alive in Hathian, living past 40 was an accomplishment here.  Nodding as she pointed out the comment he made “Indeed. Everyone can do what they like, and they do.  I just have a special appreciation for tact and propriety.” The champagne would slowly disappear with every sip as he continued to pick at the spread for fruits, snacks and other things, periodically watching as she ate.  “In that case, when you feel ready we can make our way to the water for a swim.” He wondered if she had a bathing suit under that outfit but he certainly would not ask 

Em was glad that at least one person had an appreciation for her modesty.  Not like she was a complete prude.  She still wore some revealing clothing from time to time.  Something sensual or suggestive, but never something that just showed it all and hinted at nothing.  Perhaps she was just old fashioned and she should have been born in another century.  She took another sip of her champagne before setting the glass down.  Her head was starting to swim, even before they had began!  She didn’t need to be drunk out in the water.  She made a point to eat another couple of crackers with cheese to try and soak it up a bit.  She was strangely aware of him watching her, which made her a little bit self-conscious about eating, which had caused her to eat less than normal.  The fact that she was on camera also kept her back from indulging.  When James suggested going for a swim, she’d smile.  “Lets.”  Getting to her bare feet, she would likely shock the hell out of him as she reached for her top and just peeled it up and off.  Of course, she was wearing her two-piece beneath, but still, they had just had a conversation about modesty and here she was stripping her clothes off!  It was a bit ironic, and amusing, really.  Under the tank top was a black bikini, solid but for the mesh that showed off her cleavage.

James was still unfamiliar with Em’s drinking tolerences, but his tolerence was pretty up there.  He watched as she got up and peeled her clothes off and it caused him to double take, only to realize she did have a bathing suit underneath and she wasn’t going into a fit of passion and undressing herself completely for him… a shame.. he’d think to himself but the contradiction and irony to the whole thing was not at all lost on him.  He too stood up and off came his shirt, while his swimming trunks remained on.  He was in crazy good shape for a man his age.  He couldn’t help but glance at her form and the fact that she looked stunning was no secret to anyone with even one eye.  All the thoughts were always in his mind and almost never on his face.  He would begin walking towards the body of water before them, making sure to walk along side her.  Looking around he’d comment “This place is nice like this, quiet and sectioned off so no one else can come.  I usually don’t come here because of how crowded it gets.”

Em shimmied the harem pants down off her hips and left her clothes in an unruly pile on the edge of the blanket. She was already feeling a little tipsy from the champagne; not enough that she was uneven, but enough that she was more  relaxed. The sun was starting to dip down to the horizon, staining the water in tones of oranges and reds. She stepped in, fully expecting the shock of cold water, but this wasn’t Canada and the waters hadn’t recently thawed. In fact, the water was rather refreshing! Em had caught the tail end of his perusing gaze and left it unmarked upon because that seemed to invite a whole different sort of conversation. When James peeled off his shirt, Em couldn’t help admiring. She was rather fond of a well- toned male chest. She told Chuck this frequently at howlers nights. That thought crossed her mind and she suddenly missed her friends a great deal. She’d been away for too long already. Em turned from James and within two steps dove in under the water, disappearing from view for a moment.

James wasn’t far behind, his attentive gaze less exploratory after a moment, and before long he too was entering the water full form only to re-emerge from it like a greek god reborn.  Shaking his head to shake some water off he ran his hands over his surprisingly wet and now thick head of hair.  The sun was nice over top and the water was indeed rejuvenating as he looked for her in the water as well.  A woman in water is a different sight altogether and he had no quams about enjoying it thoroughly.

Em came up for air moments later very much in a travel ad way. She burst up from the water, throwing her long, dark hair back, making an arch of hair and sprinkled water around her head like a halo. Reaching up, she pushes the hair out her her face and flashes a smile back to James, who was rather picturesque himself in a Irish Spring commercial kind of way. Her swim suit clung tightly to her body as she moved to swim closer to him. “Been a while since I’ve been swimming. I’m rather glad the producers sent us here. You could almost forget we’re in an urban setting. Just imagine a few palm trees and the threat of jellyfish and we could be in the Bahamas or something.” She laughs lightly.

James enjoyed her reappearance from water like a goddess that had dominion over the water.  He watched silently as she moved closer, his eye on her face the entire time.  “I wasn’t sure if you’d like this setting actually since I’ve always seen you with your parasol.  I’m glad that my suspicions were wrong.  I too forgot how good it feels to be in the water.” laughing at her joke “Thankfully even the jellyfish have a sign underwater that says ‘Hathian ahead, enter at own risk'” He laughed adding his own anecdote to the joke.

The two would continue to be shown enjoying the water, swimming in and out and often toward each other and laughing before the show moves straight into credits with a quick clip of the Finale coming soon.  Images of Em, Ren and James would show, trying to depict stress on their faces, particularly playing it up with the soundtrack.  Images of the various tweets that were meant to attack Ren, and glimpses of Ren responding to them all, less than pleased.  The announcer encourages everyone to tune in for the finale soon.

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