By: Daiyu Tang
So you’re thinking of joining the Hathian Police Department. Adorable.
Between the posters, the recruitment stalls, and the way they flit between being the City Overlord by Boot or the City Kidnap Victim you could be forgiven for thinking the HPD is less ‘law enforcement agency’ and more ‘live-action disaster internship with free cardio and discounted sex.’
And yet…
Behind the chaos, the scandals, the bruised egos and ‘occasionally’ bruised civilians, HPD is one of the few institutions in Hathian still pretending the words public service mean something. They show up. They get shot at. They get mocked in this paper. They come back anyway. Suckers for something (and leeches to some).
So, in the public interest (and because Inspector Recruitment apparently cried when I said no to including the glossy brochure), here’s your brutally honest guide to joining HPD. Enjoy dear readers.
Why You Should Join the Hathian Police Department (‘HPD’)
1) Front Row Seats to Every Bad Decision in Hathian
Why watch the city burn from your couch when you can respond to it with lights and sirens? Nee-naw… nee-naw (or whatever your ears hear when Koh and Carter zoom past in their vehicles with their latest black site victim solving crimes).
As an HPD officer, you are:
- First on scene when someone drives a stolen bumper car down the street. First to get the parking ticket in.
- Standing behind the barricade when hostage situations go sideways. At least you have a barricade and body armour. You’ve got level 20 equipment while the rest of us manage with a bra and skirt.
- The
unlucky soul tasked with asking, “Sir, is that limb yours?” perfect for all you gore lovers.
If you like adrenaline, improv, and the constant suspicion your life insurance policy features the word ‘lol’, this is the job.
2) Job Security – Some Say That This City Will Never-Ever-EVER Get Better…
Crime in Hathian doesn’t dip. It… evolves. Knives to guns to cults to masked vigilantes with questionable literacy. Sometimes even a fake K9 Unit with a Butt Plug (Hello Cliv).
If you want stable employment, congratulations: the supply of terrible life choices needing intervention is endless. You are recession proof. Morally conflicted, but recession proof. It’s a steady income, sometimes with significant perks. Need a briefcase with $100k in it to pay for a charity gala? Seen that. Need $100k to pay someone for silence. Definitely heard that.
3) Competitive Pay*
Officially: salary, benefits, pension.
Unofficially (and purely ‘hypothetically’, of course):
- Parking tickets written with the enthusiasm of a certain reporter trying to fund her caffeine habit.
- Confiscated contraband you definitely logged with immaculate accuracy.
- Discounts with Hathian Service Providers, especially those with less firepower than you.
If you can navigate bureaucracy and keep your hands cleaner than Bobby Boxer, you’ll eat. Sometimes dicks though. But hey… You’ve got to have a few Brittney’s on the team for every Carter!
3) Meeting New Interesting People
‘Meet new people’ is printed on every flavourless HR pamphlet ever. In Hathian, they’re not wrong.
You will meet:
- People who think pants are optional.
- People who think laws are optional (every Observer article – no links needed)
- Gang leaders who will offer you ‘cuddles’ instead of doing jail time.
- Gang leaders who will offer you the pointy end of a knife instead of doing jail time.
Camden/Piper/ Tori & more. See, some you meet, some disappear, you’re fine right?- That one reporter who appears from nowhere with a camera and a judgmental face (hi).
If you enjoy character studies and complex villains, HPD is a social buffet for your senses. One day you’ll be dining on Z, the next day on Tori.
4) Last But Not Least: Maybe the Uniform Actually Means Something
For all the justified criticism, when it’s 3am and someone’s bleeding in an alley, they don’t call their friendly reporter (thankfully). They call you.
If you’re the sort of creature who wants to drag bodies out of the fire instead of just posting about it, then yes, joining HPD gives you teeth. It gives you legal authority**. It gives you responsibility heavy enough to either shape you, or break you.
That weight? Just ask Phil – some of you are built for it.
There are However Some Downsides
1) You Will be Hated
Not just by criminals.
By:
- People who’ve survived HPD at its worst (and it goes back a long way)
- People who read this paper.
- People who don’t read anything but have a good memory for batons.
- People who make art out of human skulls
Some of that hate is earned history. If you join, you inherit the reputation as well as the badge. Your job is to decide your course. Icebergs (and Rejects) ahoy!
2) Your Moral Compass Will Spin Right Round, Right Round…
You will:
- Take statements from victims who never get justice.
- Arrest people you know will be out in an hour.
- Work beside colleagues who don’t share your definition of ‘necessary force‘, and might choose to use that force on you if you don’t join in.
If your ethics are inflexible glass, they will shatter. If they’re steel, they’ll get scratched. Either way, you don’t come out shiny.
BUT WAIT. There’s the hPD (Hopper Police Department)…
The HPD wanted a wholesome recruitment drive. Instead they got a naked cop, a fake police department, a feral K9 named after Vanora with a butt-plug tail, and one very long afternoon.
Outside a store near the Observer, beneath a sad vinyl banner promising ‘HPD Recruitment Day,’ our camera rolled as requested, originally for the actual recruitment event. The idea was simple: sell the public on the noble calling of law enforcement. Try not to get shot doing it.
“This is Daiyu Tang for The Observer, standing outside what might be the most dangerous idea Hathian’s had all week, the HPD hiring more of itself. Because what we really need is more people with guns, god complexes, and no therapy. They call it recruitment. I call it expanding the Blue Gang.”
Daiyu
Inside however, someone else was expanding their ideas and it was about to burst out onto the street, or at least the initial handiwork.
Chapter One: Brittney Streaks
What the public saw first via my camera wasn’t the subtle part. The door burst open. Out staggered HPD’s Brittney Palmer, naked, soaked in gasoline, bleeding from the thigh, and very much done (done?). She bolted past the camera, the smell of fuel hitting me before her words did.
“They have Krystal in there, call for fucking backup! I’m HPD!“
Brittney
Behind her, chaos congealed into a shape. Karigan Hopper and her people, rolling out of the recruitment centre like they owned it.
Flyers that once read ‘Hathian Police Department’ now sported hand-scribbled edits: Hopper PD in thick, gleeful ink. A mock badge flashed. A gas bottle swung. A ‘K9’ bounded in a dog mask, knives on her belt, tail… accessorised… with bondage gear.
Chapter Two: Hopper Manifesto
Karigan stepped into view with a grin that said she knew exactly how this would look on the front page.
Karigan: “Hopper PD here to clean up these streets. Are you here to join up? We are recruiting!”
Next to her, Jocelyn Hopper tapped her badge at the camera and pitched it like an infomercial fever dream, attempting to call me ‘sister’ already. Uh-Oh. Hoppers and sisters, more bodies for Ain’s… appetites! It was time to not be hasty.
Meanwhile, the ‘K9’, Clivia if I can be so bold to identify this ‘Vanora pretender’ moved in on an officer at Karigan’s command, knives out, until the atmosphere tilted from absurd to dangerous and the smart people in the crowd edged back. That was the moment this editor picked up her gear and left. You don’t stand between HPD and a gang when somebody in a dog mask starts taking orders with blades in hand. You get the footage. You get clear.
Inside, we are told, Inspector O’Neil was being held; outside, the Hoppers cheerfully advertised their ‘department’ on my mic and a bottle sailed in from the crowd.
The Editor’s View
What we got was a snapshot of a city where the line between ‘gang‘ and ‘force‘ is so thin you can photocopy it, scribble over the logo, and sell it back as satire.
The Hoppers’ hijack was outrageous, theatrical, and, I admit it, darkly clever. They took the HPD’s own stage and rewrote the script in real time. As a piece of propaganda, it worked. As a piece of civic reality, it’s terrifying. If you’re reading this wondering who to side with?
Side with the people who didn’t get a choice: the officer stripped and doused in petrol, the Inspector allegedly locked in a room, the bystanders caught in the crossfire of egos, and the city that has to live between uniforms and masks that both believe they own the streets.
And if you do decide to join the real HPD after all this?
Do it to be better than this circus. Do it to be the one person on scene who doesn’t treat Hathian like a stage.
Welcome to Hathian. Which H(h)PD are you choosing today? Also did anyone rescue Krystal? Tell me.
((Join the HPD at the Police Station in Hathian, or for information reach out to Detective Inspector Krystal O’Neil – krystal87 – in world. You can also contact any other HPD officer. If you want to join the Hoppers? This has to be done via roleplay; find a Hopper and get to it!))
* Terms and Delusions Apply.
** Authority:
