HPD Press Release: HGH Incident & Captain Heckler’s Statement

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By: Hathian Police Department

Date: October 19, 2024

Hathian Police Department Responds to Incident at Hathian General Hospital

Hathian, October 18, 2024 – The Hathian Police Department (HPD) is investigating a disturbing incident that occurred at Hathian General Hospital (HGH) involving an alleged attempt to poison Captain Julian Heckler. Thanks to the swift actions of Officer Izzy Ho, a second attempt on the Captain’s life was successfully thwarted.

On 10.18.2024 at approx. 15:38 local time, HPD officers were alerted to the situation at HGH. Upon arrival, Lieutenant Lizzete Calhern and other officers were met by Dr. Simon LaMarchand, head of HGH, along with his assistant and several staff members in the hospital lobby. During this tense encounter, Dr. LaMarchand allegedly made inappropriate advances towards Lieutenant Calhern, stating, “Anything that happens to the captain is well deserved.”

Despite orders from Lieutenant Calhern to ensure the safety of HPD personnel, Dr. LaMarchand refused to comply, stating “No” when asked to prevent his staff from further aggression. Shortly thereafter, Dr. LaMarchand’s assistant, Della, reportedly approached Captain Heckler, stating, “He needs to die.” She attempted to flee the scene but was quickly subdued and arrested by responding officers.

In the course of this incident, several HPD officers sustained minor injuries, including Sergeant Phillip Aubin, Corporal Koh Gausman, and Officer Jon Grey.

The HPD takes these allegations seriously and is committed to ensuring the safety of all individuals involved. We urge the public to remain calm as the investigation continues.

Further updates will be provided as the situation develops.


Contact:
Lt Atsuko Nakayama-Monsen
Hathian Police Department
End of Release


Editor’s Note: The incident the HPD refer to above was covered yesterday from the perspective of a new reporter on the scene. Citizens can read an alternative view HERE.

In addition, colleagues will recall that Captain Heckler was the subject of an apparent car bombing with the police seeking more information.

From his hospital bed, Captain Heckler spoke with the Observer to provide a message and describe his recovery.

“Is That a Green Dick?”

The immortal words of Captain Heckler when presented with a small copy of a message that was left with the Observer that contained what might be considered to be a viper.

At first it appeared the Captain might have thought I was there to gloat. That’s not me, then he probably thought I was there to finish him off, (neither meanings there are me). Lying there resplendent in what looked like a Smoking Club’s dressing Gown the Captain relaxed into a short interview when it was clear I meant no harm.

Cpt. Heckler: “I was savagely attacked, and one of my innocent female officers was badly burned.”

Observer: “Well, I was hoping to have an exclusive quote, for example after this attempt on your life, any new ideas on managing crime…?”

The image above shows the Captain at a previous incident at HGH and is perhaps indicative of where his response was going.

Cpt. Heckler “All the gangs in town are fucking cowards, they don’t even fight over their own turf, they might as well just join together and sing songs, aside from the Rejects and whatever those (derogatory phrase for people ethnically Chinese) call themselves now, none of them even commit crimes. As far as managing crime, I have a few ideas, I can’t share them at the moment, but we will be out here in these streets, and if people think they can get away with attacking civil servants, they will be made to XXX, made to realize their mistakes.”

A robust response from the Captain, but perhaps very much to be expected and also probably explaining why ice-cream deliveries appeared to lead to immediate suspicions of another attempt on his life!

Observer: “Don’t you ever worry that the next bomb, or bullet will be more effective?”

Cpt. Heckler: “Do you know how many XXX and XXX have tried to kill me? I am like fucking XXX, you can’t get rid of me, you just have to live with it.”

(Certain phrases by the Captain have been replaced with ‘XXX’ or a specific replacement in the interest of community cohesion)

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