by Carly Cox
Welcome to the eighth edition of the “Ask Carly” Column here at the Observer.
Today we are back to basics with the advice column, and I’ve recently received the following question, containing a dilemma that most girls have experienced, this time however seen through the perspective of the guy.
Hey Carly,
I have a concern with my current girlfriend of 3 months. We very recently started getting intimate and I’m having trouble getting comfortable around her sexually. I’ve never had any issues expressing myself sexually or felt uncomfortable. She is 4 years younger and I’m having trouble finding the confidence to give her what she wants. Me being dominant, rough, etc. I’ve never really been that guy in the bedroom but want to help satisfy her needs and make things interesting. Thanks!
Signed, Nice guy
Disclaimer:
If you are a feminist vegan, you may want to seek out a professional after reading this article, as you will undoubtedly have been repulsed due to your bizarre feminist ideals, all while recognizing I am right. This can potentially lead to an identity crisis and suicide, and while I wouldn’t bat an eye if the world had one less prudish feminist in it, I also know you are a potential slut in need of a coach like myself to get saved. (If Carly’s articles make you feel like suicide, please just take Carly out instead? – Ed)
Dear Nice Guy,
First off, I want you to ask yourself this question, and have it in mind while you read the rest of the article “Do I want to have all the sexy women of Hathian throwing themselves at me, or do I wish to remain the sissified incel I am now?”
Because Mr. Nice guy, I am about to give you the key to unlocking every woman’s sexual desire in town (and if the key doesn’t work, she is likely a feminist bartending at Spanky’s).
In 1973 a woman by the name of Nancy Friday published a book called “My Secret Garden: Women’s Sexual Fantasies” containing a bunch of letters describing the darkest sexual fantasies of women across the country. Not nearly having gone through a quarter of the book, the reader will quickly discover that most women have a deep desire to be dominated in the bedroom. Some of the scenes in the book detail anything from gangbangs to being passed around and degraded and the more extreme, pretend assault scenes.
What this means is, you will never be able to satisfy her and keep things interesting in the bedroom, unless you realize that she is already bored with you. If you don’t start being dominating, she will dump you within the next 3 months, or like I would in case you are rich and could actually support me – sleep around behind your back with all those men that actually knows what satisfies me sexually.
Now, change doesn’t happen over night, so consider this advice the start of your new life as a sexually competent man. The first thing you need to do the next time you see her, is to grab her by the hair and make her suck you off, no matter where you are meeting (Although I’d avoid her parents house, as potential in laws are likely to be slightly upset if you defile their daughters innocence in front of them). Do things like this at first, while you go out and fuck other women, and train yourself in the arts of dominance. I’d suggest trying out around 5-10 women, before you give your girlfriend the big ride.
The best part of all of this is, she will fucking love you for it. The worse you treat a woman, the more into you she will be. This is known as the Badboy paradox. So start blowing her off, tell her the cooking sucks and you’d rather want a pizza, or complain her ass is getting too big and that she needs to do some exercise, or you will fuck one of her friends instead. And before you object, think of howcome all the death row inmates who have murdered several women, get tons of women wanting to write and visit them all the time.
Its a womans biological imperative to desire to domesticate the most dominate male in the herd, while nice guys finish last (and often in a fleshlight in their moms basement).
So treat her like shit, and she will blow more than just your mind!
With love, Carly
And that was todays edition of the Ask Carly Column. If you have a dilemma preventing you from living your life to the fullest extent, don’t hesitate to write me at [email protected] (( IM Carly Cox (Calanthral Falodir) ))
Until next time!
(The Hathian Observer wishes readers to know that the views of the author do not reflect the editorial team or necessarily the majority of Hathian. Treat each of these articles like wine; they may be good, but sometimes they can be corked and should be disposed of! – Ed)
