I think the question is; “What do I really understand about anything sexual? What will I do or not do, what will I experience and why will I? How do I choose?”
To this day I still question the information I have gathered. It starts with remembering the beginning of my curiosities, building up romantic ideas of ‘My First Time‘… from candles and music to maybe something more primally raw and claiming. I also fixated from time to time on the idea of my blood on sheets and the commodity that the scent of copper on bed or cock would evidence. Virtue… ‘purity’ have a price, or so I believe I have found out.
I read every Mills and Boon and dreamed of my superman and how we would please and pleasure each other. It wasn’t detailed dreaming at first as even with adult literature to guide me, what does a virgin really know? My head was filled with movie angles, slow motion but intense sex, deep stares and professions of love, but is the real experience the same?
No it’s not…
No, it’s really not; or so I am told as I learn. Growing older I have found new stimuli; the puppy loves and the porno. I’m ready to experiment… But still what did (do?) I really know? How far was I really willing to go… Would I go further than someone else and what determined that; how could I measure it first and understand it?
Observational science can only teach so much. You convince yourself you are ready and that you have prepared. So your heart quickens in your chest and you tell yourself it means you are in love; you are ready as far as you’ll be able to understand and you dive in.
You kiss – you touch – but soon you find the feeling in your chest quite resembles fear. Now you are trapped into your decision… maybe. Maybe you’re fighting against yourself as your body, confused, hot tense… fights with your head. As your heart races and breathing becomes hard. What next?
Not yet
Well at least for me. My observation continues as I have managed to pull back and retain my so called ‘virtue’.
I wish you luck and love citizens of Hathian as I continue to adventure and learn… XoXo B
(The Editorial Board and staff of the Observer note that this article is the view of the author and doesn’t necessarily reflect our editorial positions.)
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