Author: Cadence St. Clare

As many of you know and are well aware, our printing presses were down for quite a while. As a result, during most of February we were not able to print issues of the paper and were unable to bring you readers anything for Valentines Day. This created an idea within me to bring a little love into a small corner of the paper. I hope you enjoy it.

❝I love you because the Earth turns round the sun…❞

-Nikki Giovanni

What you’ll find:

• Crazy in Love: Dedicated to couples in Hathian.
• Secret Crush: Readers express their affections for a secret crush
• Heartbreak Hotel: Feel the wrath of a lover scorned!
• Passion Test: Take the quiz to learn which animal you are in the Bedroom!

❝How do I love thee? Let me count the ways…❞

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Crazy In Love

Hathian is not just all drugs and crime, though love has often been compared to the high which drugs induces and has also led to crimes. In this section of my little love corner, this reporter has decided to celebrate some of Hathian’s most well-known couples. Dedicated to those sickeningly sweet couples who secretly make us roll our eyes, this is, Crazy In Love!

The Lustful Lovebirds

Names:

Maxine Montgomery and Slade DeLamuerte

How long have you been together:

12 months

How did you meet:

Met through Cupids

What do you love most About your mate:

Max and Slade: Personality and being hot doesn’t hurt.

What does he/ she do that drives you nuts!:

Max: When he uses farts as a weapon especially when I want the remote and he farts, so I won’t come near him.
Slade: When she touches things with Cheeto fingers unless it’s my dick then its fine.

Lets Talk About Sex Baby! What is the Sex Life between you like?

Max: Wild and crazy, Carnal and filled with pure lust. We fuck a lot, at least a few times a day. It’s how our relationship blossomed because it resulted in my pregnancy and all the wild crazy preggo sex that comes out of it. You know milky nipples and wild orgasms.

Describe your mate in the bedroom: Wild Cat

The Rough Gamers

Names:

Keyate Marshall and Sarah Michelle Buffy Gage

How long have you been together:
6 months

How did you meet:
Keyate: On CU Campus!

Sarah: At CU where I’m a cheerleader. He’s a stoner and we just hit it off.

What do you love most about your mate:
Keyate: We’ve got each other’s backs through thick and thin! And she is the life and soul of the party on campus.

Sarah: Keys is like, a total beef-stick. What a hottie, and we’re just really honest with each other.

What does he/ she do that drives you nuts!:
Keyate: Weird nighttime habits. Goes to bed early but then seems to sneak out in the middle of the night, something about a ‘patrol’?

Sarah: Gets moody at me and storms off!

Lets Talk About Sex Baby! What is the Sex Life between you like?
Keyate: Wildcat. Loud and hot!

Sarah: We’re both wildcats, like when he touches me, or I touch him it’s not very pretty. We’re talking strong language, violence, adult content. There’s scratching and biting and pulling and a lot of rolling around! Afterwards I feel like I’ve been in a really good fight! The kind where you’re both bleeding, half dead and exhausted but you know you had a great time.

Tell us about you Both:
Keyate: Met in campus and fell for each other straight away. Lots of turbulence at first cause of different social schedules and because everyone in CU wants to hook up. Too much temptation! But we talked about it and going from strength to strength.

Sarah: We’ve always been straight with each other and while at first, he didn’t like having serious relationship conversations and I tend to overshare stuff, there were a few clashes. But we seem to be on the same page now, I know to give him a little bit of space and independence and he knows I trust him and we’re both on each other’s team! We’re both flirty we just won’t cross any lines.

The Dynamic Duo

Names:

Junichuro and Shadoe Narumi (JK and Doe)

How Long have you been together:

22 IC years (11 r/l)

How did you meet:

Junichuro (JK): I got attacked up on the bridge and Doe was the EMT that responded.

What do you love Most About your Mate:
Junichuro (JK): They way we can communicate and almost never argue. And the sex is great!
Shadoe (Doe): He’s just so sweet, a great Father and provider. Loves to cuddle and is totally perverted.

What does he/ she do that drives you nuts!
Junichuro (JK): It drives me nuts when she eats too much junk food at work rather than the healthy stuff, I want her to eat. Her addiction to coffee also drives me nuts.
Shadoe (Doe): His work makes it hard. He has to travel a lot and he’s not around.

Let’s Talk About Sex Baby! What is the Sex Life Between you like?

Junichuro (JK): She’s a masochist and I’m a sadist, what could be a better match?

Shadoe (Doe): It’s awesome, pretty sure there’s video somewhere. We are both very much what you are calling a Wild Cat. We are both kinky AF.

❝As a lily among brambles, so is my love among maidens.
As an apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among young men.❞

-King Solomon

Secret Crush

It can be extremely difficult to let someone you have a crush on, know how you feel! This section is dedicated to those who are carrying a flame for someone, and just can’t bring themselves to tell it to the person! The best part, it’s completely anonymous! Enjoy!

Name: Jelly Rolls

The Crush: Officer Landon Fyre

Why do you like this Person: Are you kidding? Look at him!

What is this person’s sexiest feature: THAT ASS! When I sleep at night I pretend my pillow is his ass!

What do you want this person to know?
Oh gosh! It’s been killing me to tell him this! Lando, I call him Lando. But um, Lando, I love you! I’ve loved you for a long time now! My friend says we can’t be together cause I’m more of a plump girl, but I don’t care! I’m crazy about you! I have a Teddy Bear with your picture attached to it. Late at night when I’m alone, I rub it all over my body and pretend you’re making mad passionate love to me! I think you’re the best Cop on the force! I’d be happy if you just spat in my face and kicked me down a flight of stairs! I LOVE YOU LANDO!

Name: Anonymous

The Crush: Cadence St. Clare

I have a secret crush. Her name is Cadence St Clare.

                                Yours Truly, 
                                   Your secret admirer. <3

❝Ah love is bitter and sweet…❞

-Hilda Doolittle

Heartbreak Hotel

Relationships are hard. However, a breakup can be even harder! The road to mending a broken heart can be a sad and lonely one with winding roads and potholes! It’s alright, Cadence has got you covered. Come on into the heartbreak hotel and kick your feet up. Sit back, relax, and let’s listen to the sound of your ex sizzle, as you glue the pieces of your broken heart back together. Make sure you’ve got your card key for your room! Enjoy your stay.

Name of the Offender:

Corbin LaSalle

Name of the Hotel Guest:

Aida Demure-Jester

How Long were you together:

Aida Demure-Jester: A year

How did you meet:

Aida Demure-Jester: In a gender reveal from miss Asia Banu

Tell Us About Him:

Aida Demure-Jester: He’s a cheater and he thinks I still want to text him. The other day he told my sister to tell me that I could text him whenever I wanted.

The Reason for your stay at the Heart Break Hotel:

Aida Demure-Jester: I was the perfect girlfriend, and both of my moms even loved him. They thought he was such a good boy. He even gave me a ring once, and I thought we could get married when we turned 16 or 18. We did dumb stuff like, we had this burping contest once after drinking soda, but he was also into stuff I wasn’t into like smoking weed, but I was in love, so I didn’t care. He cheated, and thought I’d never find out, and his only dumb reason was ‘it just happened’. After that day I lost my faith in men, and I will date girls from now on. He had the nerve to tell my sister recently that I could text him whenever I wanted, as if I would even think about it! I also saw in my sister’s twitter that they are best friends now and she’s even naming one of my nephew’s teddy bears after him.

❝Drink to me only with thine eyes. And I will pledge with mine…❞

-Ben Jonson

Passion Test: What Animal are you in the Bedroom?

Want to find out which animal you are in the bedroom? Well school is officially in session. It’s quiz time! Take our Passion test and share your results on your Social Media!

Directions: Grab a pen and paper and number from 1 to 10. As you answer the questions, write letter of the answer you choose next to the number. You’ll need this later trust me.

Questions

1. Are you adventurous in bed?
   A- It depends on my partner
   B- It depends on how drunk I am
   C- I’m as adventurous as I know how to be
   D- I should be in a Circus with the tricks I have!
2. Are you noisy or Quiet during sex?
   A- Sometimes both
   B- The Neighbors can hear me!
   C- I’m usually quiet
   D- I cause my partner to scream!
3. How much do you like kissing?
   A- It’s important for foreplay
   B- I don’t like spit
   C- I can’t get enough of it!
   D- If my partner is into it I’ll do it but don’t need it
4. You’re out at a club and see someone giving you the eye, you respond by…
   A- Getting up and going over there. Chances are I was flirting with them first!
   B- Smiling at them to signal for them to come over
   C- We’re on our way to the bathroom together! Or getting a room!
   D- Looking away quickly! I’m shy!
5. You met someone and you both exchanged numbers. It’s clear you are attracted to each other. But phones can be tricky. How do you handle reaching out?
   A- I wait for him/ her to reach out first!
   B- I reach out by asking what he/she is doing
   C- Not only do I reach out, but I set up a date
   D- I reach out but it’s for a booty Call
6. When it comes to food in foreplay, your opinion is…
   A- Depends on my lover. If he/she likes it, I’m game
   B- Food? Are you nuts? I’m not staining my sheets!
   C- Whip Cream and Strawberries
   D- I prefer hot candle wax!
7. When it comes to Oral sex, your opinion is…
   A- No! No! God put our mouths on our heads for a reason! No!
   B- Sure! It’s the best way to get someone off
   C- Yes! I can’t get enough!
   D- Absolutely. I’m going to devour you!
8. Pick the best place for you to have sex
   A- On the Beach at night with the moon reflecting off the water
   B- Anywhere. As long as theres going to be sex
   C- At Home with the lights off!
   D- Someplace with people. I like the risk of being caught
9. When it comes to sex, who makes the first move?
   A- Some times me and sometimes my partner
   B- I do most of the time
   C- My partner
   D- My partner more so than me. But I will if I know my partner needs it
10. What do you wear to bed?
    A- Nude
    B- Animal Prints
    C- Matching Pajama set
    D- Lingerie

Record your score! Direction: Now write the points next to your answers
Question 1:
A- 1 point
B- 2 Points
C- 5 points
D- 10 points

Question 2:
A- 2 points
B- 10 points
C- 1 point
D- 5 points

Question 3:
A- 5 points
B- 1 point
C- 10 points
D- 2 points

Question 4:
A- 10 points
B- 2 points
C- 5 points
D- 1 point

Question 5:
A- 1 point
B- 2 points
C- 10- points
D- 5- points

Question 6:
A- 2 Points
B- 1 Point
C- 10 Points
D- 5 Points

Question 7:
A- 1 Point
B- 2 Points
C- 5 Points
D- 10 Points

Question 8:
A- 2 Points
B- 5 Points
C- 1 Point
D- 10 Points

Question 9:
A- 5 Points
B- 10 Points
C- 1 Point
D- 2 Points

Question 10:
A- 5 Points
B- 10 Points
C- 1 Point
D- 2 Points

Now add all your points and get your results below! Be sure to post your results on your social media and let everyone out there know, what you are! Are you team Rabbit? Or swimming with the fishes?

Results:
1-30: Cold Dead Fish
31-60: Gazelle
61-90: Horny Rabbit
91-100: Wild Cat

Cold Dead Fish:
You are the Cold Dead Fish! During sex you prefer to lay there and let your lover do all the work. You might actually be counting the minutes till it’s over. It’s not that you don’t like sex, it’s just that you have better things to do! Some might mistake you for being a prude but, you’d rather be doing something else with your time, like school. (Get it?)

Gazelle:
You are the Gazelle! Beautiful and majestic! You carry a bit of mystery with you. You can be a bit of a flirt but at heart you’re really a hopeless romantic. You enjoy being chased and will let them all chase you but only one will catch you! Once caught, you’re a complete and total pleaser! Putting your partners needs before your own! You enjoy being devoured and will allow your lover the pleasure of doing as they please with you. You have a hidden kinky side few know about and might enjoy being tossed around a bit.

Horny Rabbit:
You’re the Horny Rabbit! You’ll hump anything, anywhere at any time! You just don’t care! You’re always up for it! You believe in just being free! Living life to the fullest! You enjoy sex and you don’t care who approves or disapproves. In true rabbit fashion, you hop from one hole to the next, no pun intended! You never stay with one for too long, and one has to be a darn good hunter to catch and tame you!

Wild Cat
You are the wild cat! Whether it’s a lion, tiger or panther, at heart you are a hunter. Dominant. Always in control! For you the thrill of the chase is far better than the actual relationship though you might be in one. In the bedroom you take full control and fully devour your prey! Like a lion, you will literally pick bones clean, sexually speaking! And it isn’t long before you the hunter are back on the prowl, wanting more of your mate! All hail, King / Queen of the jungle!

❝Through all eternity to thee
A joyful song I’ll raise,
For oh! Eternity is too short
To utter all thy praise.❞

-Joseph Addison

Cadence St. Clare: I hope you all enjoyed this article and had fun reading it. Thank you to all the Hathian citizens who participated!