Miss Lonelyhearts

4 mins read

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
My wife just lost a lot of weight, bought all new clothes and is out all hours of the night. At this restaurant we go to sometimes she flirts shamelessly at this big handsome bruiser of a waiter, right in front of me. Should i be worried?
signed, Lonely

Dear Lonely,
Oh, no. no no no.. no… don’t worry, I’m sure she’s found an all night gym or something, Ya, that’s it, an all night gym, She’s doing it all for you. Ya, an all night Jim, I mean, gym. Honest. You can use your new alone time for masturbation and other personal growth projects. Or you can get a pet. I’d suggest a bloodhound. (Um, did you say, handsome big bruiser? What restaurant was that?)


Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
Recently, I lost a lot of weight and am able to get back into “svelte” clothing I’ve not been able to wear for a long time. I found an all night gym and work out there and come home late, but I still manage to cook and clean and even work part time. I’m doing it for me but also I’m doing it for my husband. He works so hard and I love him so much and I just want to please him, but I think he’s jealous. He’s accused me of flirting with this cute, hunky waiter at a restaurant we go to sometimes or doing other awful things. What should I do?
signed, Concerned

Dear Concerned.

Oh.. you must be that girl from………. Anyway, c’mon. Who do you think you’re talking to? Miss Lonelyheart has got your number. You have all the hallmark signs, weight loss, new fancy clothing and being a flirt and staying out late. No wonder he suspects you. But, if you’re telling the truth, here is what you should do. Make sure he knows he is your one and only. Like, once, Miss L was the girlfriend of a crime lord and she would wait for him all day in her bra and panties, keeping the house clean, and when he came home after a long day of busting heads and whacking people, no matter what time, she would meet him at the door wrapped in cellophane with a martini in her hand. On her knees. Be a good wife, and do everything he tells you, and that way he’ll respect you and stuff. And no more flirting with the waiter. (Um, cute hunky waiter? What restaurant was this?)

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
I’m a waiter at a restaurant, and there is this couple who comes in quite often. Recently, the wife has lost a lot of weight and flirts with me. Of course, I flirt back, hoping to get a good tip, but what really is a problem is that I have this crush on the husband. He is so cute, and I.. I think I love him. I sure what to try to love him, anyway. What should i do?
signed, Smitten

Dear Smitten
um,, er.. uh,, gosh,,, geeze……dang… Well, if you’re on that team, definitely hit on him. Life is too short, ya know?

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