By: Jizzabelle Lovejoy, Observer Columnist and ΣΘΝ Sorority President
Jolene howled through the Hathian area on the weekend of September 19th and 20th, bringing 110mph winds that placed her firmly in Category 2. Among the painful lessons Louisiana and the rest of the Gulf Coast learned from Katrina back in 2005, however, is that a hurricane needn’t bring Cat 5 winds to cause catastrophic damage; a slow-moving storm with a potent surge and lasting floodwaters is enough. So when myself and several other students and faculty were taking shelter in the Columtreal gym, thankful for its placement on higher ground than much of campus, we mentally prepared for the worst.
What we got was a storm that brought friends. Big, scaly, toothy ones.
During the worst of the storm, we had multiple visits from hungry alligators. In the first visit (which happened just as I was arriving at the shelter with a box of toiletries) one big reptile was fought off with knives and hot oil, resulting in two students with burns and the gator itself limping away with a bad eye. After that, he came back with friends when a truck carrying beer was overturned near the gym.
In that second instance, they were fought off by CUPD officer Nico Coletti with his service pistol and Longbox Comics owner Ulric Merlin with a nearly six-foot long greatsword. I’m still getting to know Nico, as he’s been a welcome but relatively new addition to the CUPD. On the other hand, I’m no stranger to Ulric’s heroism, as I’d probably be dead without it.
There would be a third instance, whereupon Sigma sister Charlotte McConnell, who panicked during the second encounter, redeemed herself by picking up Ulric’s sword to fight off one more unwanted guest. Not long after, the all clear was sounded and everyone departed the shelter for home.
As always, I have nothing but praise and thanks for all involved in defending the shelter. What’s more, none of the gators were killed; just scared off. So, one of those massive reptiles is still roaming around out there with burns from hot oil and a bad eye. I suspect we haven’t seen the last of him.
Here’s what some folks who took refuge in the gym that weekend had to say. Opinions on what went down were mixed, to say the least
“Three days in a sweaty sock smelling gym isn’t fun at the best of times. When being attacked by actual giant dinosaurs it’s less fun. Thankfully I had my Pi sisters backs and they had mine – and props to Sigma Charlie for being brave enough to use a sword and stick ’em with the pointy end!”
–Kara Cher Kent-Danvers
“Felt like a Florida man invasion mixed with some kind of social lobotomy.”
–Natasha Wilson
“I was impressed with how quickly people came up with plans to deal with something no one ever expected to see: a wild gator coming at you. We got a lot of smart people, lots of guys with big balls, lots of girls who held their heads together…You know, disasters can bring out the best and worst in people and we saw it all in the gym.”
–Red Blanchard
“I’ll be happy if I never see another bloody gator in my life. Though, I’m glad Ulric brought that sword–it turned out to be very useful in putting two of the beasts down.”
–Charlotte “Charlie” McConnell
Zweihänder – A Brief History of Ulric’s Greatsword
Speaking of the sword, the particulars of Ulric’s weapon are pretty interesting. It’s a 16th century German style called a zweihänder or beidenhänder, simply meaning “two handed” or “both handed.” Typically six to twelve inches longer and a bit lighter than Scottish Claymores, these were arguably the apex of European greatsword designs.
In function, the zweihänder is almost better thought of as a hybrid between sword and polearm. To that end, those spikes on the blade weren’t just for decoration. They were parrying hooks, and combined with the unsharpened section of blade between them and the crossguard, enabled the wielder to grip and move the weapon more like a spear when needed.
And need it they did. Most famously used within companies of German mercenaries called landsknechts, these swords were never intended to be dueling weapons, and seldom saw sword-on-sword combat. While most landsknechts used pikes, the elite ones swinging zweihänders got double pay and were thus called doppelsöldners, or, “double soldiers.” They earned that pay by taking on the most dangerous tasks on the battlefields of their day – cutting down cavalry and breaching enemy pike formations.
So, when compared to conventional longswords and even other greatswords, it was simply a different tool for a different job. The design would quickly spread to Italy and Spain, where it would be called spadone and montante, respectively. Soon afterwards, the advent of firearms relegated these impressive weapons to ceremonial duties, and thus ended the brief and brilliant battlefield career of the zweihänder.
For those wondering, I know all this because I researched it when I gifted that one to Ulric. What can I say, I’m a bit of a nerd that way.
Big Damn Heroes, Big Damn Weapon
The story starts back in January of this year, shortly after Buffy graduated out and I accepted the offer to lead Sigma Theta Noir. I had been sorority head for mere weeks when the first of a string of incidents occurred. This one, by the way, didn’t make it to the paper at the time, but here it is now.
That week began with me pondering safety and security, wrestling with the issue of how to lock down a house with so many ways in and out. It ended with an assailant bringing home one of the girls and holding her at knifepoint as he took her up to a bedroom to have his way with her.
As the proceedings went on upstairs, I called in some friends and gathered kitchen knives, fireplace pokers, and other improvised weapons to distribute. Some friends brought their own, most notably Ulric, who arrived with a flail…as in, a spiked ball on a chain.
The instant as I saw that thing, my eyes went wide and I heard a famous Pulp Fiction line in my head:
Now, despite some boxing lessons, I’m not much of a fighter myself. But after considering the house layout, I guided everyone upstairs and directed folks towards different doors leading into that bedroom. We were about to pour in on the attacker from four sides, surrounding him. The assailant had only one way out and about a minute to make himself scarce before that security issue I had been contemplating suddenly became HIS problem.
He must have heard us approaching, because rather than getting stabbed with knives and hot fireplace pokers (and tenderized at the business end of that flail!) the perpetrator noped outta there in a big hurry.
And thus ended the first incident. Weeks later, I took up writing for the Observer, and come March, another incident occurred: this was the much better known attack on the cheer squad that happened as we were passing through Laveau.
Ulric and our pastor Sunday Soule nearly died covering our escape.
And for those wondering, that scar on Sunday’s chest is from open-heart surgery he had at HGH to save his life. Once they were out of the hospital, I figured our heroes deserved some appreciation.
So, I googled “German greatsword” and found out about zweihänders, along with a smith making and selling reproductions within my budget. It made perfect sense since Ulric already showed an interest in historic weapons. Moreover, this particular design hailed from his own heritage.
Finally, as we sat down for our next movie night, and with deepest thanks from everyone they saved, I presented Sunday with a fine new tarot set, and Ulric with his greatsword. And at this point, I must confess my utter ignorance regarding sword quality; for all I knew, it was just a showpiece that would never hold up in combat.
Seven months later, that token of gratitude held up just fine.
