By: Aithne
Hathian, bless its chaotic heart, witnessed another episode of ‘Who’s the Real Criminal?‘ theatre, starring the HPD and a woman with a serious grudge (and apparently, a talent for impromptu street theatre). Our protagonist, let’s call her ‘Brenda the Butt-Baring Bandit‘, decided that the best way to address HPD’s alleged ‘police weight‘ problem was to give one of their officers a personal demonstration of Newtonian physics, followed by a public mooning.
Now, this wasn’t just any mooning. This was a strategic, artistic mooning. Brenda, after allegedly turning a pint-sized officer into a human stress ball, proceeded to secure said officer to a power pole with her very own hand cuffs. She then strategically positioned her posterior towards the HPD station, and, with a flourish, lowered her pants. One might say, she presented the HPD with a full, unadulterated view of justice’s backside.
Unfortunately, Brenda seemed to have forgotten the golden rule of dealing with Hathian’s law enforcement: they react to stimuli like startled squirrels. The sight of a bare posterior, especially one belonging to their own, sent them into a frenzy reminiscent of a caffeinated badger at a nut convention. Doors burst open, guns blazed, and the air filled with the delightful symphony of ricocheting bullets.
Brenda, realizing she’d accidentally stumbled into a live-action remake of a Looney Tunes short, wisely ran and then tossed her weapon and surrendered, muttering something like “seriously, guys, calm down.” She then proceeded to give a passionate, if slightly breathless, lecture on HPD’s tendency to escalate every situation from a mild disagreement to a full-blown apocalypse.
Taken inside the station, Brenda vanished into the sadistic black hole that is HPD custody, presumably to be interrogated by a room full of officers still twitching from the moon-induced adrenaline rush. Meanwhile, the power-pole-hugging officer, now sporting a fetching shade of power-pole-induced rash, was given a public dressing down by her Lieutenant. But not for abusing her authority, oh no. That would be too appropriate. Instead, she was rebuked for the cardinal sin of “losing control of her firearm” which, in Hathian, is apparently worse than losing control of your dignity.
A helpful bystander, pulled up the officer’s pants, and she was released from the cuffs, presumably to plot her revenge and invest in a better belt. As for Brenda, one can only hope she’s planning her next performance. After all, in Hathian, the show must go on, even if it involves a bit of public nudity and a whole lot of gunfire.
Editor’s Note: We do not encourage abusing officers in the street as there are far worse places that you can be abused. The Observer would also note that these type of pranks on officers just encourages them to patrol in packs which, as some will know tends to mean the level of ‘taking names’ increases exponentially. Hathian, sometimes you do yourself a mischief by causing mischief.
