By: Aithne
Alright, buckle up buttercups, because the Berthier Street Bakery just went from ‘sweet treats’ to a full-blown, frosting-fuelled reptile riot!
Picture this: the aroma of freshly baked cupcakes, so potent it could make a saint drool, wafting down Battle Street. Now, imagine six, yes SIX, East Asian Mangrove snakes, those slithery connoisseurs of exotic locales, bursting forth from a delivery box like …a can of snakes! Apparently, they’d hitched a ride, lured by the siren song of sugar and spice. And let me tell you, when a snake wants cupcakes, you don’t argue –– you run!
The bakery staff did the only logical thing they could; they fled and barricaded the door, effectively trapping the snakes inside. One poor clerk was left stranded on the counter, while the floor became a writhing, scaly mosh pit. It was like an Indiana Jones movie, if Indiana Jones had traded his whip for a rolling pin and was battling pastry-loving reptiles. And speaking of Indiana Jones, let’s be honest, the last movie was a cinematic crime! I mean, seriously, what were they thinking? At least it inspired me to watch the original!
Enter Hathian’s finest, who arrived with all the grace of a bull in a china shop. They stood there, scratching their heads like they were trying to solve a Rubik’s cube, and then, naturally, whipped out their guns. Now, I’m just a humble Missouri girl with a pen and a passion for truth (and baked goods), but even I know that shooting at wriggling snakes in a confined space is a recipe for disaster. Talk about a ricochet rodeo! Plus, those snakes had a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of sugary happiness!
So, yours truly, stepping boldly from her journalistic duties of the moment, suggested a brilliant plan: crank up the AC, making them sleepy and sweet, and gently relocate them to the Audubon Zoo. I even tried to start a ‘SAVE THE SNAKES’ chant, but apparently, Hathian’s populace lacks my level of animal rights enthusiasm. It was a sad day for snake solidarity.
Of course, the HPD ignored my genius. One brave officer decided to go in for the rescue mission. He slowly waltzed in, grabbed the petrified clerk onto his back, and started weaving through the serpentine obstacle course. It was a scene straight out of a low-budget action flick, until one snake got a little too close and received a swift, boot-shaped splat! This, naturally, enraged the snake community, and one of them decided to exact revenge, striking true and causing the officer to sprint out of the bakery.
The officer, who, let’s be honest, had a history of camera-smashing and general unpleasantness, collapsed by his cruiser, panting like a marathon runner. An ambulance arrived, and I, ever the dedicated journalist, rushed to the hospital to see if he’d survive. You know what they say: only the good die young. Let’s just say, this guy had a surplus of “bad” to keep him going.
As for the snakes? By the time I returned, the bakery was eerily silent. I can only assume the HPD, fueled by the near-death experience of their comrade, went on a full-blown, snake-squashing and shooting rampage. Let’s just say, the “peace” was “restored” probably with extreme excessive force. So that, my friends, is the tale of the Berthier Street Bakery snake invasion. A story of sugar, scales, and slightly trigger-happy law enforcement.
Stay tuned for my next report!
