Is Hathian a Tinderbox Waiting to Happen? A Close Encounter with Fire Safety… or Lack Thereof

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By: Katy Kantry

So there I was, minding my own business and pulling another shift at my side job (which shall remain nameless for obvious reasons), when something truly perplexing happened. No, it wasn’t the cash register filled with nothing but pennies, or the fact that my co-worker, bless their soul, still doesn’t grasp the concept of “Out of Order” and keeps leaving Post-its about a vending machine “eating their quarters.” Nope. This particular puzzlement came in the form of a customer asking to borrow our fire extinguisher.

Now, I know Hathian has its quirks, but I wasn’t prepared for someone to casually ask for a fire extinguisher like they were borrowing a cup of sugar. I was dumbfounded. All I could think was, “Do we even have one?” I had absolutely no idea. I mean, I should, right? It’s basic safety! You know, in case a lit cigarette or a particularly dramatic fight over a pool game sends the place up in flames.

But instead of answering the man with something logical, I found myself mentally imagining every corner of the place, trying to recall if I’d ever seen one. I probably looked like a squirrel who’d lost track of where they buried their last nut. My mind raced as I stood there, trying to seem professional while simultaneously wondering if I should be concerned that I might never find the extinguisher before an actual fire.

It wasn’t like I was actually going to let the guy borrow it, especially since he’s a known associate of a local gang of troublemakers. Borrow a fire extinguisher? From us? I think not. I had a sneaking suspicion that his request had less to do with a sudden burst of fire safety concern and more to do with… well, something else entirely. Call it a hunch.

Eventually, I managed to get into an argument with him…because, really, in Hathian, that’s just par for the course… and he finally left, empty-handed, mumbling something about me regretting it. “Good riddance,” I thought. But now I was on a mission of my own: find that fire extinguisher.

Expired

I spent the rest of my shift snooping around every corner and nook, dodging cobwebs and a suspiciously large rodent that was the size of a small dog. And there it was, tucked away in a dark corner like a long-forgotten relic. Covered in dust and cobwebs, with an inspection tag so faded I could barely read it, but sure enough, it had expired. Expired. I couldn’t make this up if I tried.

I stood there staring at it, thinking, “Well, if this place goes up, at least we’ll have a historical artifact to show the investigators.” I mean, I get it…running a business in Hathian is no walk in the park. But if the fire extinguisher in this place is any indication of the state of fire safety around town, we’re basically one mishap away from turning into a city-wide bonfire. I’m not saying we need to be paranoid, but maybe, just maybe, we should check these things more often than, say, never?

A City Playing with Fire (Literally)

Hathian has always had its quirks with unpredictable weather, unusual residents, and a penchant for over the top shenanigans, but after my fire extinguisher fail, I started to wonder how many other businesses around here are actually equipped to put out even a cigarette fire. So, naturally, I went on a mission. After visiting a few more local joints, I came to a conclusion: fire extinguishers in Hathian are either MIA, expired, or don’t even exist. It’s like the city collectively decided that if a fire breaks out, they’ll just let it “run its course” and hope the smoke signals the fire department before everything’s ash. And in a city where we all know emergency help is sometimes slow in arriving, a properly functioning could be the difference that saves lives.

(The Hathian Observer has a Fire Alarm, Extinguisher and a bag of marshmallows when needed – Previous incidents mean we take it seriously – Ed)

Paging the Fire Department of Hathian…

So what is the FDH up to these days that’s keeping them from staying on top of fire safety codes and fire inspections of the local businesses? Are they spending their time rescuing kittens from trees, or are they actually doing fire safety checks? Because from what I’ve seen, it’s starting to look like the only thing getting checked around here are the cops that the Fire Chief mows over. Oh wait…my bad…that was the former Fire Chief.

Maybe the department’s policy is less rigorous than “inspect every business.” Perhaps they figure that the daily chaos of Hathian is enough of a hazard without having to worry about a few grease fires. Or maybe they’re just waiting for the next “fire sale” (pun intended) to roll through town. After all, fewer fire extinguishers means more exciting work for them, right? Don’t get me wrong. I love seeing a hot fireman in uniform, but I prefer to let the site of them make my panties melt and not an actual fire melting them off of me along with my skin. Which reminds me…when does the next years fireman calendar come out again? Asking for a friend…

Businesses: Fire Extinguishers are not Optional Decor

I get it…running a business in Hathian isn’t exactly for the faint of heart. Between fending off bums trying to loiter outside, dodging the occasional street brawl that’s just a bit too close to the front door, and keeping the lights on, it’s no surprise some things slip through the cracks. But let me offer a gentle reminder to all my favorite bars, diners, and corner shops: fire extinguishers? Yeah, they’re not optional. They’re not like the ketchup packets you keep behind the counter…”just grab one when you need it.”

Trust me, you’ll be kicking yourself when the insurance company refuses to pay out because your place wasn’t up to code. All it takes is Ole’ Wilbur mistaking the bathroom trash can for an ashtray, and boom, your place becomes the hottest spot in town, but not in the way you were hoping. No fire extinguisher? Well, now you’re left with nothing but ashes and regrets. Look, I know it’s not exactly the sexiest item on your to-do list, but trust me, double-checking the expiration date on that dusty extinguisher in the corner could save you a world of hurt down the line.

Time for a Fire Drill Hathian

So, let’s make this a community effort, shall we? Next time you’re at your local bar or restaurant, just ask the bartender or waitress if they know where the fire extinguisher is. You know, just to keep them on their toes. Bonus points if they know when it was last serviced. If they stare at you like you’ve asked them to recite the alphabet backward, maybe suggest a little refresher on fire safety.

And if anyone from the Hathian Fire Department is reading this, please, for the sake of all that is not currently on fire, swing by a few businesses and do a spot check. After all…it is what our taxes pay you all to do and not just to look good in your uniforms. I’m sure there will be plenty of business owners eager for you to “service” them. Just be sure you actually check the fire extinguishers and safety codes while you’re there because you know…safety first and all.

Until then, Hathian, keep an eye on those open flames, and maybe bring your own extinguisher next time you head out for a drink. You never know when you’ll need to play hero in a city that seems to have forgotten the basics of fire safety.

Stay safe, stay extinguished, and for heaven’s sake, know where your exits are at ALL times.

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