By: Katy Kantry
You ever wonder what makes the mind of a rapist tick? Too afraid to catch something that a healthy dose of antibiotics couldn’t cure? Well, worry no more, fine Hathians! Your dedicated (and germ-averse) investigative journalist has done the dirty work for you! It turns out, rapists that whether they’re flaunting gang colors or rocking shiny police badges, they are all part of the same sad, insecure, and deeply disturbing club. You know the one whose members suffer from deep-rooted insecurities, unresolved mommy issues, and, of course, the ever-present affliction known as Little Penis Syndrome (LPS).
We’ve interviewed everyone from barroom psychologists to that one guy who smells like a yeast infection outside Lou’s (yes, even he’s got some insights, folks), and the verdict is unanimous: rapists are the tragic result of a cocktail of unresolved personal issues, childhood trauma, and, most importantly, a major lack of penis size. Spoiler alert: it’s not really about sex or power. No, no—it’s about distracting the world from what’s really missing in their lives. Or, more accurately, what’s missing in their pants.
That’s right! In our in-depth research (might be slightly over exaggerated…just slightly) we’ve concluded that all rapists share a similar origin story. It’s a sad tale of fragile egos, bad parenting, and a crippling sense of inadequacy.
Little Penis Syndrome (LPS): The Root of All Evil?
For those unfamiliar with the term, Little Penis Syndrome (LPS) refers to the fragile masculinity that manifests when men feel their “equipment” doesn’t measure up—not just in size, but in confidence and self-worth. This insecurity often drives them to overcompensate in damaging ways, from toxic behaviour to violent actions. In Hathian, both gang members and certain officers from the HPD have been long suspected of suffering from this condition, their aggressive posturing masking deep-seated feelings of inadequacy and inferiority.
When a man feels inadequate in the bedroom, there are two ways he might react. He will either accept it and move on like a mature adult, or, in the case of a rapist, overcompensate in the most toxic and illegal way possible. In his twisted mind, the rapist thinks, “I may not satisfy you sexually, but I sure can scare you into submission.” And unfortunately, this disturbing behavior seems to be gaining traction among Hathian’s criminal crowd, and even our local “heroes” in the HPD.
The Hathian Police Department, often criticized for lacking moral standards and basic human rights, harbors its own share of rapists. That shiny badge may blind some, but underneath it lurks serious Little Penis Syndrome. Ever wonder why some officers are so eager to swing their nightsticks? Yeah… think about it.
Mommy Issues: The Root Cause of Crime?
Hathian isn’t exactly known for its stellar parenting, and we all carry our emotional baggage. But unlike the rest of us who drown our traumas in work, alcohol, or support groups, rapists refuse to “put on their big girl panties.” Was little Johnny not breastfed? Did mommy overlook him? Instead of growing up and learning to cope, he projects his inadequacies onto innocent victims, thinking that forcing someone into submission will somehow compensate for his deep-seated feelings of worthlessness. Poor baby, indeed!
Freud must be laughing in his grave, because when it comes to rapists, their deep-seated mommy issues run the show. Whether they’re craving approval or lashing out at women who remind them of their maternal failings, it’s a textbook case of misplaced rage. One moment they’re calling their mothers to complain about how no one understands them, and the next moment, they’re terrorizing innocent people on the streets. How’s that for unresolved trauma?
We even heard that some gang members refer to their leaders as “Daddy.” Need we say more?
Gang Member, Cop, or Both? The Double Life of Hathian’s Criminal Elite
Speaking of unresolved trauma, there’s no better place to channel your issues than into a life of crime or law enforcement, which, in Hathian, are basically the same thing. You might think rapists stick to the shadowy underworld of gangs, but here in our lovely city, you’d be mistaken. Some rapists are smart enough to hide behind the “blue wall” and join the Hathian Police Department for the perks. Why risk getting locked up when you can wear a badge, abuse power, and do whatever you want with impunity?
Take Officer Terminator (not his real name, but it fits). On the surface he seems like he’s patrolling the streets, handing out jaywalking tickets, and helping old lady’s across the street, but in the bowels of the police department, he’s engaging in all sorts of unsavory activities against inmates that would make our local gangs blush. Suffice to say…I wouldn’t leave the man along with my grandmother either! Don’t get us wrong though, gang members still do their fair share of raping and pillaging, but there’s something especially satisfying (for them, anyway) about hiding behind a badge while committing the same crimes.
It’s a free-for-all in Hathian, where the cops and criminals are virtually indistinguishable, and everyone’s just one fragile ego away from ruining someone’s life. How about that for a career choice?
Looking Forward: Therapy?
So, what can be done about Hathian’s epidemic of rapists with fragile egos, unresolved mommy issues, and LPS? Well, there’s always therapy, but let’s be real…these guys would rather die than sit on a couch and talk about their feelings. That’s why they turn to their twisted brand of “therapy”, inflicting pain on others to momentarily silence the voices in their heads telling them their dicks are little more then limp noodles.
It’s sad, really. But hey, that’s Hathian for you. A city where the criminals and cops are just two sides of the same very, very tiny coin. Stay vigilant, Hathian, and remember that behind every swaggering rapist is a man who’s penis is so small you need micro tweezers and a magnifying glass to handle it.
