Press Release: 20th August 2024
The HPD…
Utter nonsense. Complete, utter rubbish. What can I be talking about good Citizen?
Why the stream of incompetent invective that spewed from the ‘public servants’ (my servants), the Hathian Police Department, under the pen-name of Detective Ungrateful O’Neil.
This is what happens when you provide public servants with some more money and an ice-cream machine! They want more and MORE and MORE.
Citizens, walking past the PD I am sure you’ve seen that armoured TANK parked there. Militarisation! More rifles, more bazookas, more attack helicopters. That’s what the Hathian PD asks for even if it’s never been quite that explicit. Car parts, bullets? THOSE CAN MAKE TANKS!
O’Neil talks about ‘lack of political support’. This from a woman so short that when we speak together, I give her not ONE, but TWO milk crates to stand on. Not supported!? She’s high maintenance, and probably a communist!
So what does O’Neil ask for this time in her rant? Oh, she doesn’t specify it, but let me tell you Citizen, no more pool parties with buxom blondes! No more lingerie parties at ball rooms! You remember that Landon Fyre chap? IT WOULD BE WORSE. Now, you know Bobby B only swings one way, but let me borrow from across the lines and say, “She’s just Weird!” Who uses ‘figuratively’ in a sentence about hanging – we all know wink/wink say no more, don’t we. We know HPD… So just dial Krystal O’Andel why don’t we?!
So anyway, I’ve read in the Observer about the current stream of murders of ‘apparent’ rapists… Ellis this… Naka that… Here’s my message to O’Neil! CLEAN YOUR HOUSE to get your allowance.
The FDH…
Now, what about the FDH! Fire Department. They LIVE FOR THE HEAT… you know, my ex-wife told me that the phrase ‘Out of the Frying Pan Into the Fire’ is basically the firefighters code, so to hear that a short hospital trip because of some light explosive HEAT causes them to question their existence… Backbone Chaps! Let me put it this way, Shyla wouldn’t want you to give up now! It pains me to admit it but I failed her, my diary was just too busy, but she would not want you to fail her. Do her proud, like she didn’t do me! Don’t give up! Bombs… Fires… Floods. Gotta Catch ‘Em all right? It’s how I live… Blondes, Asians… that cutie that works at Gein.. the witchy one….
And Doctors…
They work very hard in their brand new CIVIC building. Let me be clear, just in case Dr.LeFrenchand gets any ideas… That building is larger than my mansion! I commissioned it! I could call moving lorries at any time and live there! Having said that, I like nurses, so if you want an ice-cream machine, drop my office a note. We’ll get one over to you. Popsicles for all! Not just for your attractive (female) calendar models!
Hard. Very Hard.
Finally, let me turn to this idea that we’re soft on crime here. Mayor Boxer is HARD. HARD on Crime. HARD on Drugs. HARD on those wayward waifs.
Now… what we need here is HPD to invite all these ‘gang leaders’ to some kind of pow-wow, sit down and shake hands and say sorry. “Sorry Mr.Boner… we’ll stop raiding your butcher shop. Sorry Mr. Reject, you have FREEDOM to wear offensive tee-shirts; first amendment! Sorry Ms. Tory Tomato, we failed to provide you enough therapy and rehabilitation!” Once O’Neil does this, then I expect all you gang heads to do the same, “Sorry Police. We will sort ourselves out and BEHAVE, please don’t run us over with your motorcycle stuntman Bearly Moanson.”
Now. Some might say I have just suggested the impossible. But Mayor Boxer doesn’t deal in anything, if you’ve heard that I do, it’s a lie. What I do is suggest normal things. Easy things… Things like apologies. Things like… Staying in one’s Lane O’Neil. Being Happy. Enjoying Secretaries and Life and Liberty in this great City of Hathian. <Insert audio of clapping here>
Thank you Citizen for reading. I trust all of you, officers, Boners, that buxom-Halal lady (call me), Japanners and my voting public will join me in saying. Chill out and vote for Mayor Bobby Boxer and because I’m a generous mayor to my public servants, I’ve arranged delivery of an inflatable pool to HPD to go with their ice-cream. Now they can CHILL OUT in STYLE and remember… public services work for me, the face of the public and you lot, you love my face and I love you in return, even, PLATONICALLY that nice homeless man who needs a shower who offers to take out ‘the trash’ (wink) for me.
Mayor Bobby Boxer
