By Carly Cox
Welcome to the ninth edition of the ‘Ask Carly’ column here at The Observer
Shortly after the last edition was published, I received following letter:
Dear Carly,
To start off with, I do not consider myself a nice person. Straight up, I’m an asshole. The last girlfriend I had was less sexually pleasing than a hole carved into a pumpkin, and I made zero qualms about making that known. Publicly. When she finally was told her services were no longer required, or even wanted, I even took a month to cleanse the pallet. Said month turned into ten, but it was a well worthwhile wait.
Now that I am getting back onto the dating market, it is my drive to avoid getting a useless woman like this again. What are your tips to attracting a girl who fucks better than a piece of produce? I don’t want to waste my time with those whom could be best considered walking life support systems for organic fleshlights.
What does one do when they want a chick who will have no second thoughts about popping you out of her grumper , and letting the mudhog into her complainer to bust the juggernut?
Signed,
C H A D
Dear C H A D
It’s good to hear you don’t consider yourself a nice guy, as I mentioned in my last article, those tend to finish last. I do get it, life is too short for terrible sexual partners. Why the hell should you keep one around that is too lazy to learn how to be good in bed, when you are working your ass off to fuck them like a man? Yeah, give them a dildo and tell them to ‘Go fuck themselves’. That is what I am all about, teaching people to be an amazing fuck, and through that keep their partners interested in them.
Like my grandma always said “Vanilla is something we have in ice cream, not in bed”. She was a wise woman. (Editor note: Unless you eat ice cream in bed, especially on sad girl days – SMBG)
So, here’s 5 steps to find the ideal girlfriend
- Stop picking up chicks at The Clam
As unlike the name of the store suggests, they are prudes and want long walks on the beach, dinner and movies before you even make it to third base. It’s a waste of time. This goes for all similar stores, restaurants and the like. - Sample Bourbon Street
Strippers, porn actresses, xxx clerks, this is where it’s at. These women will have a much higher tendency of having attractive ideal body proportions, as they in general know what it takes to attract a man, unlike those working at The Clam or Rader Records (You know who you are… here’s three words that will save your life. “Hold the fucking mayo”). Bourbon Street women in general are the best women in bed. - Put following text in your Tinder profile “I expect to get laid on first date”
You need to sample the pussy before you buy it, simple as that. You need to fuck as many women as possible over the next few months, so you have an idea of what they can do in bed, and don’t be afraid to cut them loose, and then call them back a few months after.. they will be waiting. - Grab her ass in public
If you see an attractive woman you’d like to drill into, simply grab her ass in public. If she gets offended or mad, she is likely a feminist and you should avoid her like the plague, as she is likely to claim you sexually assaulted her or cry rape. A real woman will take it as a compliment, and likely grab your cock in return.(Feminists will say ‘No’ and mean ‘Yes’ if you are attractive, but say ‘No’ and mean ‘No’ if you aren’t. They are cunts, and you can never win) - Insult her, then fuck her
“Hey, guys generally think your small tits are unattractive, but I like yours”, “My friend wanted to know if you are pregnant, but I tend to like a chubby woman” or “You have the reputation of being terrible in bed, but I’d like yo teach you”. Be the asshole you claim to be, and ruin her self esteem, then convince her that none of those qualities matter with you. (This is a common tactic among PUA’s (Pick Up artists) because it works more often than not.)
The overall theme in these tips are, “Get off your ass and fuck anything that moves” as that is the only way you will know if she can perform to your standards. If she isn’t even willing to do that on the first date, hookup or pickup, it’s not time efficient, and you should move on.
With love, Carly
And that was todays edition of the Ask Carly Column. If you have a dilemma preventing you from living your life to the fullest extent, don’t hesitate to write me at [email protected] (( IM Carly Cox (Calanthral Falodir) ))
Until next time!
