By Carly Cox
Welcome to the fifth edition of the ‘Ask Carly’ column here at The Observer. Shortly after the fourth edition was published, I received following letter:
Dear Slutty (she never stated her name),
Thank you for your kind words, and yes, the editor does like writing unsolicited commentary all over my advice column, and I suspect she is one of these vegan types that get way too little tubesteak, unlike the rest of us.
Ambition is always admirable, and it sounds like you have a really good prospective business opportunity all laid out for you. I see your dilemma clearly, but fear not, I have several solutions on hand for you.
First solution is to follow the advice of my grandpa, who told me when I presented my first boyfriend to him “It ain’t cheating, if you don’t get caught”. This solution is self explanatory.
Second, I suspect you are bi-sexual like any good slut, and for that reason alone, and while any partner should want to give you everything you’d want in life, she can’t give you dick (Unless she works at Spanky’s). Therefore, its in her best interest to allow for an open relationship.
The third solution is to simply keep your business apart from your personal life, and accept that whatever happens at work, stays at work. If you happen to get a few orgasms along the way, that is just a bonus.
Whatever you choose though, don’t tell her the truth, because you can’t just stop being a slut from one day to other, it’s just not possible, and since homosexual acts are sinful according to the bible, you will be going to hell anyways.
With love, Carly
And that was todays edition of the Ask Carly Column. If you have a dilemma preventing you from living your life to the fullest extent, don’t hesitate to write me at [email protected] (( IM Carly Cox (Calanthral Falodir) ))
Until next time!
Anniversary Edition Extra
The Hathian Harlots – “Thug on the streets, Goddess in the sheets”
Attention all hookers, streetwalkers and backalley cutthroats! We are unionizing on Bourbon street, forming our very own group called “The Hathian Harlots”, and the Wiener Wagon is our primary hangout. (Since we are Sausage Consumption Specialists after all).
Our aim is to provide each other with protection, following the good ol’ ‘Strength in numbers’ mantra, as well as seek to restore Bourbon Street as the busiest place in Hathian. So if you want to get laid, just want a chat, or some down to earth people to hang out with, come on down and flash your sausage and just kick back with us.
All types of people welcome, we have everything from suicide girls to midget hookers already! (And if you think I’m joking, ask around for Pixie)
We hope to see you here!.
(I… definitely don’t get enough meat to appreciate all of this, but your picture won over Stanley, Carly… -Ed)