I don’t usually do this but I’ve been reading your column lately and I’ve come to trust your perspective. Up until recently I’ve been quite comfortable with my way of solitary living. There were friends and love interests in my formative years but that faded once I went away to college. This hasn’t bothered me as there has been occasional contact with old friends via E-Mail and other means, but these days something feels off.
Recently I met this girl, let’s call her “Lily Alice”. She’s kind and understanding but also very firm and organized in some ways. I assume she gets this from both of her parents being police officers. She also seems to get into trouble often but she was also abused so I don’t think she is very good at navigating red flags yet. I feel like it’s strange that a brother and 4 of her exes either died, or disappeared completely, but she hasn’t done anything recently that suggests any of that was more than a coincidence of some sort. Lily has been through too much for one lifetime, she even lost a daughter. I can’t imagine how terrible that must be.
Anyway, That’s it for the context really. We’re not really dating yet but I’d like to say it feels like we’ve always been dating. It’s that sort of connection. Recently, she became a model and I find it worrisome. I don’t believe it is necessary or that she is safe in that career path what with everything that has happened to her in the past. If it isn’t a coincidence then it means someone is doing this to her and that they’re still out there. I sort of feel like she’s purposely putting herself out there to be found as it’s possible they have lost her due to all the times she has moved around. Is it fair of me to be worried?
Sometimes we get to the point where we need a change, where our usual or old ways don’t work for us any more. This dissatisfaction can lead us down paths we wouldn’t have explored before. Ask yourself, why you feel the need for change now? What kind of changes are you looking for? Perhaps talk to old friends and see what they recommend. Connect with new people too. I hope you find what is missing in your life.
Its nice that you are worried about Lily, she’s lucky to have such a supportive friend. It does sound however like that’s all you are to her: A friend. You say you have been in this relationship longer than her? That’s not a good sign. It seems as though you have been friend zoned. I am assuming that in the time you have known her she’s dated at least five people, and had a child or children.
I can even see your concern about red flags. Perhaps she sees the red flags and ignores them or she loves these people enough to be blinded. Its hard to get out of abusive patterns, but easy to fall into them. You say she’s suffered a lot of abuse in her life, my heart breaks for the woman. Is the abuse and the need to get away from it her reason for moving so much?
All you can do at this point is help her, advise her, and be there for her when things go wrong. It’s hard for anyone to change patterns and generally people have patterns they fall into in their relationships. If you feel she needs some kind of protection, talk to her about moving to a secure complex or hiring people to protect her. You can even help her get panic alarms for the house that go to a security hub and make her home safer in general.
You say people have gone missing or are dead around her. That’s also worrying. You even imply that there may be someone out there doing this to her. You need to take that information, if you have proof, to the police to protect her. You need to take that information to her too, and as stated above, help her keep safe.
Her choice in career is her choice. Whether its a good idea or a bad one, all you can do is support her. Your letter concerns me all around. Hopefully I have given you some help, but without more context there isn’t much I can say beyond. Help her stay safe, get the authorities involved.
I really do hope you find what you are looking for and I hope that Lily finds her peace in this world,