By: Jizzabelle Lovejoy – Observer Columnist, Columntreal Cheerleader (and Nearly Sacrificed)
Hello again Dear Readers, Jizzabelle here. In light of all the ritual killings going on around the Vernal Equinox, (of which I was almost one) and the discussions that ensued, I thought I should coalesce my thoughts into a column with exceptional *synergy!* Sorry, that’s just business-speak creeping in, and you’ll see why soon enough. I have taken some time with this one, having been distracted by other sorority concerns before getting it out.
However, before I get to meat of this article, (pun intended) I feel inclined to dive into the ancient thought patterns behind it.
Humanity’s Search for Meaning, Understanding, and Control
Imagine for a moment that you’re an early human. No modern technology, just you and your nomadic tribe of a few dozen, with stone tools and weapons, carving out a life in the wilderness. And on this particular day, like so many others, you are out hunting or gathering, when you hear a rustling in the grass nearby.
Do you stop and check if something might be there? Of course you do. Because it might be THIS guy…
Nom nom!
And why? Because while 90% of the time that rustling is probably just the wind, the other 10% of the time, it might be something to kill and eat. Or, as we just saw, something that might want to kill and eat US
Hence, those with a greater tendency towards assuming the worst possible outcomes became our ancestors. In modern humans, this leds to a psychological phenomenon called a negativity bias, which leads us to react more strongly to negative stimuli than positive ones. It’s only natural when the consequences of NOT responding to those stimuli were so dire. After all, our survival depended on it.
Even today, it is known to sociologists and psychologists that we react more strongly to fear of loss than possible gain. Think of it in your own life. What gets a stronger reaction from you on socials; a funny clip? or doom-scrolling?
Then, combine this negativity with our pattern-seeking tendencies. We would seek patterns and reasons for phenomena beyond our control. The tides, the seasons, extreme weather, natural disasters, and so forth. It was in our best interests to keep the good times coming and the bad times at bay. That’s where sacrifice came in.
But, as humanity would find centuries later (as in so many other instances) there is a perfectly rational, natural phenomenon at work. We just lacked the understanding needed to connect the dots and wrap our heads around the explanation before the advent of sufficiently advanced astronomy.
As it turns out, one civilization was well attuned to the effects of the seasons and axial tilt without knowing the cause of it. We’ll get to that soon enough.
People (Sacrificed) vs. Profit
But then, I came to find out through some business-minded associates and firsthand experience that those involved in sacrifice in Laveau, well, they control the port. That’s a critical piece of infrastructure right there, being the chokepoint for trade both legitimate and illicit.
I’m not the most business-minded woman out there, given my inclinations. But for our community and businesses that are, we have to look at that situation and pose the Bill Lumbergh question…
I get that Laveau is a bad neighborhood and we, the cheer team, should’ve expected SOMETHING. Panhandlers, pickpockets, maybe even a mugging…stuff like that. But at the same time, I don’t think for travelers to avail themselves of a port without risk of ritual sacrifice in the Year of Our Lord 2026 is a big ask.
I’m no economics major and I’m not pursuing an MBA or anything, but in my thoroughly unprofessional opinion, it just seems like the resulting optics would put a damper on the flow of business. Especially if one’s customers, employees, investors, and other stakeholders are, you know, NOT into human sacrifice.
Unless of course, you have a whole civilization into that, which brings us to my maternal grandma’s lineage…
There Goes the Neighborhood
Now, before Cortez arrived in Mesoamerica, the Aztecs had a solid grasp of astronomy but hadn’t figured out axial tilt yet. They understood the seasons and other consequences of it, though, and like so many civilizations, ordered things around them.
They also built their capital Tenochtitlan (now Mexico City) on a lake, which, incidentally, we might need knowledge of in Louisiana if we get another Katrina-level disaster.
But, they also believed that in order to keep those seasons and their harvests coming, sacrifice was needed. They waged entire wars with their neighbors for no other reason than captives to sacrifice, and this was understood as necessary between all belligerents involved. It was routine, and these were known as the Flower Wars. A bit incongruous, I know.
And oh, did they make rituals of it. With locations that made quite a spectacle of the whole thing.
The Reverend-Doctor-Rabbi-Sensei-Dalai-Stand-Up-Philosopher George Carlin said it best when he asserted that what the Aztecs made of it all…was THEATER.
Hence, while they might applaud various local attempts to keep the seasons and harvests going, I can’t help but wonder what the pre-Cortez Mexica people would think of these efforts. Now, I’m fairly certain the 80,000 in one ritual figure cited by Carlin is exaggerated for comedic purposes. Still, my suspicion is that they’d still be looking down from the afterlife at these groups and thoroughly disapprove of their rookie stats.
And what’s more, preying on unsuspecting civilians instead of sacrificing noble warriors, captured in battle? Cowardly. Dishonorable.
Lastly, no step pyramid? No cutting hearts out and holding them up, still beating, to show the masses of cheering throngs below? Loonies of Hathian and Laveau, your presentation is thoroughly lacking. Zero Michelin stars for you.
“But Jizzabelle! We can’t compete with that! They had their whole economy organized around it!” you might argue. To which I would say, look, the Aztecs didn’t even have money as we know it. They used cocoa beans as currency in much the way prisoners use cigarettes. And they still got it done.
Modern Implications
Then again, maybe if informed about axial tilt, the Aztecs would have been thoroughly apologetic. Maybe, from the afterlife, they’re looking at everyone they’ve unnecessarily sacrificed over the centuries all sheepish like. Picture it.
“My bad dude, sorry we like, ripped your heart out. We really did think that we had to do that to keep the seasons and harvests going. Crazy stuff huh?”
So to all our area kooks into this stuff, quite frankly, this is why you shouldn’t even try. It’s woefully unnecessary once you have even a cursory understanding of modern astronomy. It’s bad for business.
And finally, even if this actually WERE necessary instead of being a bunch of dated unga bunga nonsense then…your capture methods are cowardly, you’re putting up beer league numbers, and your production values are piss poor.
It’s like the mockbuster Grandma picked up at the video store when you wanted to watch Transformers. How embarrassing.
Then where to go from here? Well, thankfully, modern life provides us with healthier ways to scratch the itch for some fire and gore. Play any of the Doom games. Take in some horror or war films. No less an authority on all of this than Stephen King understood the necessity of exercising those primitive parts of our hunter-gatherer brains, and how movies and other media play a role in doing exactly that.
“I like to see the most aggressive of them — Dawn of the Dead, for instance — as lifting a trap door in the civilized forebrain and throwing a basket of raw meat to the hungry alligators swimming around in that subterranean river beneath. Why bother? Because it keeps them from getting out, man. It keeps them down there and me up here. It was Lennon and McCartney who said that all you need is love, and I would agree with that. As long as you keep the gators fed.”
–Stephen King, from his essay “Why We Crave Horror Movies”
Hence, please, keep your appreciation for human sacrifice in the realm of fiction.
