By: Daiyu Tang
Another weekend, another serious crime. In fact many crimes. We understand that not only did a bomb explode, but that there were a number of deaths reported this weekend as a result of the violence perpetrated on the City by the group known as ‘Ten No Kage’ who, when this reporter asked the police and a few of her friends was talked down as a ‘cult‘ (a sex cult). Still, I’d like to see anyone, anywhere else in the world operating a ‘sex cult’ manage to do what this group did over the last weekend. Honestly, I do sometimes think there’s a danger of using tired tropes to try and explain people who are a few steps ahead. So dear reader, please bear with the Observer as we wrap together these crimes and the people behind them and come back to you soon. For now though, we were invited over to the HGH (Hopper General Hotel apparently) to meet with Karigan and two of her ‘officers’ who were bursting to tell this paper all about how they had helped and in the future how they could help more.
Injuries for a Just Cause
We’ve featured the new Hopper ‘Police Department’ before, somewhat tongue-in-cheek it has to be said partly due to the nudity, the butt plugs and more. But perhaps this time, there really is some seriousness from at least some of the Hoppers to try and ‘do things’ for Hathian.
So, I turned up to the hospital, got inside (after some arguments) and went to see Karigan. Her account was ‘simple’ in that it stated what had happened. The scene however was not simple and bloody hell, the discipline in the ‘HPD’ was somewhat lacking, although we understand that injuries at least to Karigan may have contributed to the tenseness in the room a little.
She told us that the Hoppers were out and about: “We were out patrolling when the clue sounded on the radio. For us Hoppers it was easy and we were on it in no time.” In this they mean that they heard various advert content. Some of you may have seen dark web posts, some maybe a truck blaring noise from speakers, some radio ads. They heard and told me that they had located the bomb before the ‘other’ HPD arrived. It didn’t sound that easy though: “We were unable to help that poor woman, though we called for the ‘other’ HPD they didn’t make it time.” This links to what we had understood, that there was at least one fatality in the explosion.
I wanted to understand how Karigan thought she could rival the HPD, considering Vanora had riot lingerie (+1 to policing right?) and there were armoured vehicles. Pressed, Karigan conceded that cooperation from HPD has been minimal: “Unfortunately the HPD has only given us the bare minimum of cooperation, so no scanners for example. Imagine what we would achieve with all the same gadgets!” The suggestion is clear, that they are capable, proactive, and only technologically outmatched. Does this correlate to the lived experience of many of us with Hoppers?
Fire. Landmines. Nudity. That’s just for starters, although come to think of it. The real HPD do at least TWO of those three. Maybe, just maybe there’s some parallels? Heh.
Ask Not What You Can Do For Hoppers, But What Hoppers Can Do For You.
Karigan’s frustration with HPD came out in broad strokes, not specific to stuff done to her, but more how HPD worked in Hathain… “HPD has grown complacent, they only take what’s handed to them and ignore the rest.”
Her proposed solution, Hopper PD, was her answer. Wasting no time she explained: “We are violent if we need to be, but we are the brains, so we do the investigating.” I wanted to know how this would all be paid for and she told me that funding would not come from city budgets or taxes, but from barter. “We will offer our services to the people of Hathian and we want none of your worthless paper money. We will deal in trades. If we like the deal.. we take it.”
Practicalities
And no dear reader, this heading is not about actually how this would work with the other HPD. It’s closer to home: Karigan’s family, aka her Hopper ‘officers’.
During the course of this interview, one officer declared “Unit, she’s resisting. You’re under arrest, Mrs. Camera!” without provocation from me I might add! Said officer was subsequently hoisted over another officer’s shoulder whereupon the phrase “Officer down officer down!” was shouted in response to a bite. The scene required Karigan herself to intervene with the command: “CHILDREN!!! Hades Harold Kumar Hopper! Josephine Vader Hopper!! Don’t make me put you in time out!!!”
Oh dear. But is it worth than a double-tapping HPD officer?
For now then Hopper PD remains somewhat on the drawing board, although the Hathian Observer would encourage citizens to approach Karigan and put it to the test. Perhaps good outcomes can happen. Perhaps we will see a genuine attempt at doing ‘the right thing’ in the city. Still, morals weren’t always a Hopper strong point. I still remember seeing a grenade stuffed somewhere private. At a wedding. Yeah.
Artist’s Impression of Hopper Crime Solving
Readers are invited to send other scenarios to the Observer where they can see a role for the Hopper PD and our journalists, (including ChatGPT; because we can’t afford a full time comic writer) will work together to make your Hopper PD plots come to life. You can click to expand.
