Are Hathian Women Overweight?

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By: Cadence St Clare

In a world that seems to be obsessed with looks and aesthetics, women have been very vocal about the pressure to be beautiful. So much so that it has caused the pendulum to swing far left in the sense that natural bodies are now being celebrated. And that is a good thing. But can natural cross the line into ridiculous? This reporter sat down with a Legend and Fashion Icon to have the discussion about women’s bodies. Why is sexy…fat?

Alexandra Bittershore’s face has graced hundreds of covers! She was one of the first to come out against that well known Hollywood Producer in his now publicized sex scandal and she was one of the first to cry out “He Got Me Also!” She wrote a book about her sexual harassment and assault titled “The Fat Bastard Got It All Over My Fur!” The book received rave reviews from Critics who sited Alexandra as being “Courageous and Daring!” It became a New York Times best seller and was quickly followed up with another, titled “It’s Still in my Fur! The Stain Won’t Come Out!”

She walked into the room JUST-IN time, as confident as ever and sat down near me and I asked the question…”Why is Sexy Fat?”

Alexandra Bittershore: “I’m not really sure what’s going on with the world of fashion today. There used to be a time when women wanted to be small and thin. A size 2 was the standard size and a size 4 was considered fat. Now all we see today are big ass thighs and hips! When did FAT become FASHION?! I mean have you seen some of these short round butterballs running around here?! It’s a god damned disgrace! All the women are running around looking like those damn fertility idol statues! Wide hips and asses! I blame Kim Kardashian! That bitch has single handedly destroyed a generation! Not to mention how her fat ass ruined Marilyn Monroe’s dress! She should be arrested and dipped in polyester!”

Cadence St Clare: Do you think the women of Hathian are suffering from a weight problem?

Alexandra Bittershore: HELL YES!!!! And anyone who can’t see this is suffering from a HEAD PROBLEM! I was standing outside the Pawn Shop talking to the Owner, and some girl walks up and looks like Beetlejuice! I swear to God she had a striped black and white shirt, green hair and heavy green makeup! Identical to Beetlejuice! And her hips were spreading like rumors! I swear to God, this keeps me up at night! It kills me to see overweight women!

Now if Kim is to blame, then the men are the enablers! They are making it OK for these women to walk around looking like a group of Pillsbury Dough Boys! There used to be a time when men could say to a woman…hey…if your lazy ass gains more then 15 pounds over the weight you were at… when I met you, that’s a deal breaker and I’m leavin! But these men are sleeping with these whales! Sperming the whales! We’ve all seen it. We all know these bitches. Or at least know of one.

These men start following them like Captain Ahab in a ship. Starts feeling on them, flirting with them. And these women blush and start whimpering like a fat kid who had too much cake. I could throw up just thinking about it.

Cadence St Clare: You think men are enabling women?

Alexandra Bittershore: Absolutely! Men aren’t allowed to be men anymore! So, we are dealing with men who are scared of their women! There will be men who might show up about this. But those are the men whose fat girlfriends read it, got pissed, and yanked on their man’s tampon to make him act on her behalf and agenda against truth!

These men just go along with women’s foolishness because they don’t want to say goodbye to their in-house pussy! Can I say that? I don’t know if I can say that but it’s true. So if a man is being controlled hes not going to tell his wife that she looks like a cow…even though farmers are lining up outside their house!

There was a time when a man could give a woman a good rap on the beak! You know, if she was talking too much. Nothing serious…not a closed fist. Just an open hand FLY SWAT!

Oh but not now! A man is forced to take a back seat in his own home! So when she’s sitting there across from him shoveling food into her mouth like dirt into an open grave, he’s got to watch! Theres no one there to tell her…”Are you really having thirds?! Not seconds! BUT THIRDS!!!!”

Cadence St Clare: Has the weight problem affected fashion?

Alexandra Bittershore: You mean epidemic! It’s not just a problem. It’s an epidemic. And I will answer that question with a recent event. I’m doing my morning jog and I see some short round Butterball walking in flip-flops from Walmart while carrying a Louis Vuitton bag. I can’t begin to tell you how those 3 things so don’t go together! Louis Vuitton…flip-flops…Walmart!

It’s sacrilege! These short little Donut munchers are cheapening brands! They don’t deserve a brand name like Louis Vuitton! I ran past her and I swear to god her ankles looked up at me like the cat from Shrek!

Begging for help! I wanna know who made the decision for women to think it was okay to be fat and unhealthy?

And its one thing to be fat. Fine! But when you are fat and have the fucking nerve to be in a god damned mid drift or tube top with your gut out?! And no one is saying anything except me! So everyone else believes this is okay? It’s fine for some over weight girl to have the word JUICY stretched across her ass?! It’s a god damned disgrace!

I take pride in how I look. And I don’t show as much skin as these other girls because I try to show that wearing more can be sexy to men! It’s all in HOW you wear it!

Cadence St Clare: Is there hope for women?

Alexandra Bittershore: Yes, but it’s gonna take men being brave! It’s literally going to take the men living with these women to pull their plates away from them and tell them when they’ve had enough! I don’t know! Hang a sign from their necks that says, “DO NOT FEED”. But in the name of Coco Chanel…do something! I’m begging you! PLEASE! I’m begging men! Stop them please! Restore the balance between good and evil!

Cadence St Clare: But isn’t that fat shaming?

Alexandra Bittershore: No! It’s Nutrition Monitoring! Remember how in school there used to be Hall Way Monitors to make sure kids weren’t skipping class? Thats what it is! Men monitoring women to keep them down to a reasonable size! All of them look the same! These over-sized wide hips completely stuffed into a pair of tight jeans and the denim fabric is screaming bloody murder! I will say what everyone else is afraid to…it ain’t baby fat…it’s just fat…BABY!!!

Our thanks to Alexandra Bittershore.

Fans Speak Out!

Dear Cadence,

Thank you for expanding my knowledge on the alternative orientation community. I thought their acronym was LGBTQIDKMyBFFJill. Included in thanks is a picture of myself and my hetero life mate, Phineas.

Chad

Cadence Response: Thank you so much Chad for reaching out and most importantly, thank you for being a reader of the Observer! And Phineas is absolutely ADORABLE!!!! And so are you!

Note: If you have a message for Cadence, please mail it into the Observer along with your picture. Good or bad we will publish it!

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