Advice column submitted by Chong Diabolito.
My name is Carlos Diabolito, although everyone knows me as Chong. Almost every paper has an advice column for women by women, or other groups but none that are just advice from one Vato (guy or male) to another. Working in and around the adult film industry for the past 4 years, running an XXX Shop, creating the first XXX EMS Service, and living life on my own terms I often get questions from some poor Vato who don’t know what to do with their women problems. My advice may not be applicable for women or members of different communities who define themselves as they do, I give Vato advice for confused Vatos.
Send Nudes or STFU
So the other night my friend calls me and he says, “Man I met this girl and she’s ok but now she texts me all the time, telling me all about her life and problems. I don’t even know why.”
Now the answer to this is very easy. He made the mistake of acting like he cared about that stuff when nobody does. My advice was very simple. If she is going to take up you time talking about stuff that don’t matter your response is simple “Send Nudes or STFU” that’s all you got to say, text her that and nothing more.
This sounds like a crass and rude thing to say but it isn’t. You are letting her know that yeah I am interested in you enough to want to see you naked but if I’m not going to, then lets not waste each other’s time. It prevents her from driving you away by talking about boring stuff that no guy gives a shit about and it puts the burden of if she wants things to progress on her. She now has a choice to make. She may choose to laugh because she is surprised by your honesty and directness and continue babbling so you must be unwavering in your response and only text her one more time. “Send Nudes or STFU”. At that point there is nothing left to say. You gave her options now let her know you are serious. Establish boundaries, your time is valuable and you set the precedent for listening to that stuff you are destined to fall into the friend zone when you don’t even like them much. The goal his is to establish open and honest communication. You are saying look, I don’t want to listen to you if there is nothing in it for me. If she isn’t willing to send something that shows some skin, she wasn’t ever going to. Who needs her, not you. At the same time you offer her hope, you are saying I see you as a woman that I want to sleep with, not a friend and that is all they want to hear in the first place. Most advice is not certain. But I promise you, if you follow my advice, she’s gonna send nudes or STFU. Either way, you win.
Did You Cum?
This Vato came into the store the other day and was asking about toys because his woman was complaining that he didn’t always last long enough for her to climax. So being in sales I asked him a couple of questions and in the end there is one simple question, “Did you Cum?”
He of course said yes.
Well, is it your fault she’s slow? No it isn’t. You did your part and she let herself down. You could at that time say, “Problem solved,” go and worry no more. Next time she says that just say “Well, I know you have to do the dishes still, just trying to give you more time.”
That is a very valid response.
However, if you feel the need to take on responsibility for her orgasms this is what I recommend. You have a short supply list that follows (all of these items are available at the XXX Shop, we will set you up):
1. Locking Collar
2. Finely Polished Steal Leash
3. Wrist Cuffs
4. A Hook or Ring placed in the Ceiling in a Stud so it don’t pull loose from sheet rock.
5. A Hitachi Wand
6. Water base thin lubricant
7. Blind Fold
8. 6 feet of chain
With these items you can make any woman happy by following my simple step by step directions.
a. Attach the ring to the ceiling
b. Attach the six foot chain too the hook or ring at the ceiling, pull on it and make sure it ain’t going to come lose.
c. You want the chain to hang down far enough to hook to her wrists over her head so she has no control over her arms so cut off accordingly.
d. Tell her you want to try something new that was recommended by a professional.
e. Place the cuffs on them, ideally leather and locking for comfort.
f. Attach the cuffs to the chain so her arms are now over her head but comfortable. (Remove her top first)
g. Put the blind fold in place. On her not you.
h. Now take your time, tell her things about her and touch her, if she hasn’t been tied up before in this case you are following the approach of Xenophon, not a hard bondage scene.
i. In time, place and lock the collar around her neck. She should be entirely naked and if h was done correctly will not question it.
j. Attach the smooth polished leash to the collar, it should be about 4-5 feet long to work correctly.
k. Let the leash fall and bounce against her so she feels it there hanging.
l. Push her feet apart with one of yours and from behind reach in between her lets and take hold of the leash as it hangs down.
j. Pull the leash back and up to the small of her back until it is running down her body, exactly in the center. Not to tight, just snug so she can fell it go down, under, and back up to the small of her back.
k. Hold it there. In most cases you won’t need the lube but if you do, apply to the leash in front about the pelvic bone area and in the back so it works it self down the chain.
l. Now that everything sensitive is now slippery you have your hand on the end of the leash and pull it more snug.
m. Take your other hand and grip the leash in front, lower the better.
n. Now slowly move the leash forward. Key is location, you want each link of that leash to slip over her clit for about six inches and then reverse, go slow, is no rush, make her want to be in a rush, you never have to be. In a sense it is either a fun new experience or you are teaching her to love that leash.
o. Repeat N multiple times talk, don’t talk, whatever you should know her and what will fit.
p. Personally I find talking to them to be more fun but up to you, but repeat N until you know she is no longer concerned with anything other than that leash moving over her clit and parting her slipping its way back and forth. Pull the leash tight again…not so tight it is painful. Remember Xenophon, should love and trust the leash.
q. Pick up the Hitachi Wand. Turn it on starting at a lower level and press against the leash so that it sends the vibrations down the chain and she will continue to move herself now against the leash.
r. Increase the power of the wand slowly and lower it up and down the chain.
s. Continue this process until the wand is on high and she is moving herself to force that leash to move against her.
t. Do not stop until she fucks that leash until she cums. She will, if she doesn’t she is broken and you should just break up with her.
u. When she cums, turn off the wand and step back and watch it, how she reacts knowing you can see it entirely and she is powerless to move her hands.
v. I recommend repeating this process at least two more times or mixing it up and just forcing them to take the wand until they say they can’t. Still, don’t stop.
w. Once you make her cum at least 3 times you have choices 1. unhook from the chain and push her down on the bed and switch to oral and make her cum more, 2. All things being equal oral from behind allows you to still use the wand and use your tongue inside her. 3. Continue on until she says she just can take anymore.
x. Now if she is still chained, pull her back so she arches back and enter from behind and hit that as hard as you can until you cum inside her.
y. If you moved her too the bed you can go with whatever position you like, change a lot, whatever cause she already gave up and now it’s whatever you want.
During this process if you ever have to ask, “Did you cum?”, you are either not that bright or doing it wrong. Many women are quiet, not screamers or moaners but you can tell or even taste it at times.
So, that’s my advice for a woman who complains you finish too fast or didn’t make her cum. Obviously this is not an every day event, however, you should strive for ensuring time, creating rituals, it is a need humans have ingrained somewhere deep in our DNA. Make the most of it and create your own sex rituals and things can only get better.
*If you have one of those women who cum and literally whines about time to recover, to sensitive to touch, or whatever, either fuck that out of her or break up with her cause that’s just boring and kills anything good about sex.
I’d Never Pay For It
Many Vatos come in and explain their sex lives are dull or they aren’t getting what they want out of it, whatever.
I will often ask, “Have you tried the Rub N Tug? they are professionals.”
It amazes me how many men say, “Oh, well no I’d never pay for sex.”
You ignorant twat. Pussy ain’t free. You are paying for it one way or another. So, you can lie to yourself and continue to buy drinks, dinners, and gifts. And never for get time is money. What’s the hourly rate of having to sit on the couch every night watching some stupid shit on TV that you don’t want to see cause maybe she will put out that night?
Your time is valuable vato, and you are paying with it. The price is when you are with your friends and blow off some texts so you don’t look like you a whipped. Now when you get home, you’re interrogated and your dick is going on the waterboard. You spend your entire life paying for pussy. Pay with your gray hair and every wrinkle. Pay with a heart attack or maybe a stroke. Maybe you’ll understand on your deathbed. The price of pussy, it ain’t a joke.
So, now that we have established a major truth in life, it is up to you to decide. Personally, having been with professionals, porn stars, whatever, there is no desire to become domesticated and settle for the boring things in life. What you need is out there and every time it can be different.
No Vato, you are always going to pay for it, so treat yourself right.
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