Dear Grace: Inattentively Homosexual

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Dear Grace,

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other now for a few weeks and everything was going fine until today when she wasn’t sure how to describe my sexual preference. I explained to her that I was heterosexual, like, “hello, haven’t you noticed how good I am in bed? How can I be anything else, but?” Well, that brought about a fight. She called me selfish and inattentive, among other things. It all left me confused because I wasn’t paying any attention. Like, who could when her nails were a dark ochre and she wore a light brown blouse and beige high water pants. She looked like a god damned 1986 Chrysler station wagon.

I need closure, Grace. Could it be that something is wrong with my girlfriend? I can’t think of anything else other than that maybe she’s secretly batting for the other “team”.

– I. H.


Dear Inattentively Homosexual,

Have you considered that you may be bi, pansexual, metrosexual? Perhaps this is where the confusion lies. Or have you considered that you don’t have to label yourself and neither does she? Being good in bed with women doesn’t stop you from being good in bed with men either, just saying. Perhaps it’s a talent you have. I am interested to find out if your girlfriend thinks you are such a stud. Perhaps her idea on your prowess is different to your own. Have you actually asked her?

Now, I do have to say you seem to have a good grasp of women’s fashion, only thing missing is labeling the designers she wears. I can also see you are focusing on the wrong things. If she’s trying to take time to discuss the relationship, perhaps focusing on that and not her station wagon looks. Which brings me to another point: if you are comparing her to a vehicle, there is a bit of an issue with your relationship anyway. I know I would hate to be compared to a car or bus.

Instead of asking if there is anything wrong with your girlfriend, you need to ask if there is anything wrong with you. Read the problem you sent in. See if you can’t find the answer yourself. I have doubts about your idea that she’s batting for the other team. I think you both need to sit down and have a conversation. Talk to each other. Or you could go and find yourself a nice young man to experiment with. I know a few who would probably love to meet you.



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