Dear Grace: Blue Balled Academic

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Dear Grace,

I feel I should give you the back story of my current situation. I am a student out at the college, and it has been rather difficult for me to find love throughout my lifetime. Yes, there have been girlfriends and things, but only two have really stuck out as ones that I want to spend my entire life with. Both are completely the opposite type.

The first one, you could say, was a wild stallion of the field. She’s a self proclaimed moon child, the complete antithesis of my own personal type. You could say that I am definitely more in tune with wearing a suit, and mingling about the board room as opposed to staring out into the night’s sky and communing with the spirits. However, she has the most kind heart out there, one I got to call mine for a good bit of time. Unfortunately, the part of caging a free spirit is they eventually make it to where they either want free, or will break free. I let her free, and…well, unfortunately, had a reaction that was very not adult of me. We still talk, but it’s not the same. I don’t know if she understands just how much I miss her.

The second one, I go to school with. She has the most amazing personality, yet does not realize that she is something special. Always doing for others everything under the moon, yet I do not think she ever stops to think about what she may want, what she may need. In a way, she’s also a free spirit – as in she’s always off, doing this glamorous thing, or that glamorous thing, not at all tending to her studies. She may be in classes eternally, but that doesn’t bother me. Our time together is like no other. best part is? She’s best friends with the first spirit, even though she was first in my views for a long time. I was so blessed to live under a roof with both of these beautiful human beings.

Now that you know my story, what Michael Bay movie provides for the best ambiance for a handjob from a hooker? Really want something explosive to go off with my sexual relief.

Sincerely,
Blue Balled Academic

Dear Blue Balled Academic,

What can I say? It took me a while to read through your problem and to find an answer, after watching a few Michael Bay movies with my Fiancee, I decided that there was no other answer than the one I am about to give.

Ever since his twitter feud with Wolverine, Ryan Reynolds has become the absolute man-crush of the century. When Deadpool came out, it became apparent that this witty actor and gin fanatic is the number one choice for both genders. I mean, I don’t think even my fiancee could say no to a threesome with this bloke. So that leaves me with the ONLY answer available. Rub one out to 6 Underground. I would also recommend you forgo the hooker, that way you haven’t got someone talking all the way through the film asking “What happened now?” and saying “I don’t understand”.

I hope this helps,

Grace

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