Dear Reader!
My name is John Hayes, I am new a reporter at The Observer here in Hathian.
Some would say I have been a health nut all my life, in danger of turning vegan had it not been for my guilty pleasures of my morning bagel and coffee to start my day. I work out and take care of myself, my body is my temple as they say. Ever since arriving here from New Orleans, I have had a particular unfortunate problem threatening my physical well being. Continuous diarrhea putting me in the high risk group of developing irritated bowel syndrome.
My anal discomforts are however not the primary story here mind you, but still the reason for it. As any good investigative reporter, I have contemplated for hours what the reason for these explosive affairs might be. Backtracking, the art of analyzing behavioral patterns in hindsight, I have discovered what I come to believe is the trigger for my constant flirt with the porcelain throne.
My very first day in the city, last Tuesday, I visited ‘Berthier St. Bakery to give into the aforementioned guilty pleasures of a bagel with coffee, before I hit The Observer alley office to apply for a job by Mr. Welders, Chief Editor. Same day, later in the evening, the first signs of the reason I later started fantasizing about wearing a diaper for the first time since i was three – started to show itself.
I do not know precisely how they make their dough at the Bakery, but I can tell you that the secret ingredient must be some kind of germ-filled spillage that would make the Deepwater Horizon incident seem like a kids prank in comparison.
Lastly I want to apologize for the strong imagery described in this article, meant to emphasize the health risk that the current owner of the ‘Bertier St. Bakery’ has imposed on this wonderful community through questionable business practices and clear sanitary violations of national food quality protocols.
Miss Asia Banu also operates ‘Asia’s Edibles’, that is by her own account “The home of high quality THC infused products“. Perhaps that explains what special ingredients are currently mixed into the dough at ‘Berthier St. Bakery’ causing dietary issues for our good citizens of Hathian.
This must be stopped, and consider The Grind or Slim Goodies Diner as a much healthier alternative in the future, until Miss Asia Banu has turned the ship around, and headed for much safer ports.
Review Score – 2 out 5 Middle fingers! – Great taste & Great laxative effects.
Stay Vigilant!
