Ok, been a bit slack of late, and instead of actual weekly horoscopes, this week I will be doing a profile of all your signs, character traits and potential lifestyles…….
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don’t give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn’t care less. You’re the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you’re bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you’re a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of person who’d kill them self to win a bet.
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You’re an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative’s limbs to buy a
mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you’re prone to bullshitting and you’re a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores.
You are the forgiving type and you don’t bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet.
You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. Men even willing to rent Sleepless In Seattle to increase your odds for a romp in the sack.
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centered cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You’re a prick.
(yeah I admit it now, partly written by the daily mash 🙂 )