CU Track and Field Takes Home Deadly Win at Nationals

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CU Track and Field Coach Bunni Crisman.

Columtreal University single handedly caused a dark day at the Opening day of the 2016 NCAA Track and Field Championships today when Javelin and Hammer thrower Yvette Bouevier first impaled a person in the stands on each of her three throws in Womens Javelin. One of the peanut vendors, a security guard, and a man proposing to his girlfriend were all killed instantly. Ms Bouevier then proceeded to have the chain on her hammer snap mid throw, causing an event official to receive blunt force trauma to the head. All four unidentified people were pronounced dead on the scene. Shortly after those incidences, Blue Steel, again from Columtreal, in the Men’s Discus, had his disc cause blunt force trauma to the skull of Jack Jones, a hurdler from U Penn. Jones was in the middle of his own heat in the Men’s 110 Meter High Hurdles, when Steel’s disk sailed past the end of the landing zone, and impacting Jones in the side of the head.

In the same incident which claimed the life of Jones, Brad Smith from UCLA, and Alex Jefferies from Miami of Ohio were rushed to the hospital when they both were involved in the indent. Steel’s disc collided with the leg of Smith after it bounced of Jones’ head causing Smith to trip from his reported broken leg. Smith upon falling landed on Jefferies, breaking his ankle.

During Shot Put, both Steel and Bouevier were involved in the brawl which sent half the men and half the women in competition for the event to the hospital. Early reports say that Steel and Bouevier were both accused of PED use to the point where shoving took place. Both were found innocent of the accusations, and neither were found to have started the incident, however both were the few left standing when it was over.

The tragic loss of 5 cast a grim cloud over what would have otherwise been a storybook ending to the event, seeing the Looters taking home top honors with both the Mens and Women’s National titles in only their first year of competition.

The rag tag kids from the small school, showed big skill as they swept the top spot in every event. It’s unheard of how a team of only walk on athletes could not only go head to head against some of the best in the country but beat them at what they do best. Coach Bunni Crisman can be considered nothing short of a miracle worker, when she put out the call for anyone wanting to start a track and field program at the school she herself attends as a student, just nine months ago.

Other coaches were crying foul when the start up program not only started doing well but sent many schools home with their proverbial tails between their legs. Columtreal with no scholarship athletes on it’s roster, and virtually no funding from the school, which itself filed for chapter 11 earlier this year, has not only won the NCAA Championships in Track and Field, In every event they competed in, the school’s athletes set a new world record. Most notable were Bouevier’s Javelin tosses, all of which landed over one hundred and twenty meters away, and more than ten rows up in the stands. Perhaps most impressive though, is Fawnie Dimple who became the the first person in history to run a sub 9 second 100 meter dash, with her time of 8.45 seconds. Her time was later topped by fellow Looter Blue Steel when he turned in a time of 8.44 seconds in the Men’s 100 meters, Steel’s Discus throw which unfortunately struck and killed the runner from Penn, it was credited with a distance of 98.75 meters almost doubling the previous record.

The NCAA in an unprecedented move required the entire roster from Columtreal to submit to urine and blood tests for banned substances before they were allowed to claim their trophies. All but one were found to be clean. Lexi Owens, was found to have ten banned substances in her system. Ironically, she was the only member of the team to NOT place in any of his events. Coach Crisman was quoted as saying, “I run a clean program. My kid are good kids but what Lexi did has no place in my program.”

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