by Jizzabelle Lovejoy, Observer Columnist and ΣΘΝ Sorority President
As Observer readers have been made well aware, our campus has recently been heavily invested into by one Lucian Draevus, whose holdings include a number of businesses up and down the east coast, along with a significant logistical presence in the Caribbean.
With our proximity to New Orleans and the Laveau port nearby, the neglected Hathian area presents a risky but strategic and potentially lucrative location in which to further his family’s portfolio. And what better place to begin than at Columtreal University?
So, while the motive behind CU’s generous new endowment hasn’t been entirely altruistic, the result is stunning nonetheless. The new campus buildings feel like they’ve been here for centuries, and yet, haven’t. What a glow-up it’s been. Despite my best efforts, these pictures really don’t do it justice.
As one can see from the article cover, our main academic building now resembles something out of the Ivy Leagues. Other snapshots highlight enough of said foliage to thoroughly solidify the comparison.
Frankly, the prodigious growth of so much ivy over the span of a couple of months, (mid-construction, no less) is a rousing testament to our Louisiana growing climate. With all our sunshine and humidity, ask any local grandma, and she’ll tell you: to grow anything here, one needs only do nothing.
Honestly, though, there has to be an upside to all the mugginess we endure in the summertime, and this is it. Harvard, Yale, take that! The ivy itself, well…it just likes us better.
Opinions on the Streets
And how do those most closely involved feel about the new-look campus? Well, yours truly took to the streets to find out. Opinions were mostly favorable, with a few critiques here and there on specific things.
“Everything feels brand new. My dorm room actually smells good with the fresh paint …that’s a huge upgrade from the shithole I used to live in with bedbugs for roommates. A lot of the new buildings look straight out of Harvard… But some things feel off. The locker rooms are closer to Admissions than the actual field which is super inconvenient. The Woke cafe going almost underground made it really claustrophobic. So overall it’s nice… but the layout choices are a little questionable in spots.”
–Rayna Haley
“Campus glowup? I’d say its less glow and more… new coat of paint on old bones. But it’s ours, so yup, we’re making it work!”
–Kelly Shepherd
“The new campus is absolutely beautiful! It looks less dark and dismal and more classy! I love the classrooms and the new main building the most honestly. It feels like there’s more room for students and the entrance area with the coffee shop and the big library area is absolutely stunning.”
–Trin Paige
“Campus looks great, the glow up is fantastic. I think it’s gonna be a little easier for students to find their place here. Hopefully Deke gives Lambda a little more oomf. Delta being next to Sigma, though? I feel like that’s gonna end up being hilarious in a COPS or Jerry Springer type way. So long as no one gets hurt, at least. Overall? I think its an improvement. Should being in plenty of new blood, which is honestly only a good thing for the social ecosystem here.”
–Sunday Soule, CU Spiritual Advisor
“I like the library in the new main building, the coffee shop inside the main building giving a new place to hang out, and the lounge are is nice too. I hate all the hills and hedges around campus, I either trip over the bushes or I get too tired walking uphill to get a beer! I would love the students to have an area out by the center of campus in front of the new main building where they can just hang out like the old sofa’s by the get woke deck/stage area.”
–Deke Cane, Lambda Obscura President
“Well, with the glowup, it may take someone a while to get everything figured out n’at, but once yinz check it out with some downtime, it’s pretty well thought out n’at. The central classroom building expansion is probably the best part of it. I think the new layout will bring in more students, which is good for the college.”
–Anna Grant
“Seeing some money and life breathed into these ruins is never a bad thing. Now it actually feels like a university and not an overgrown psycho house. It will take time before every stone here will have a story to tell, but we’ll get there… As much as this place was a wreck, it had soul. There was something charmingly spooky and otherworldly in the decaying past. It will take some time before the new campus can speak for itself as much as the old did.”
–Arthur Vine
“As someone who’s all about design and appearances… I love the campus cafe! And Looters! Places feel more intentional and welcoming now, not to mention how cohesive our school colors are! I can actually imagine wanting to spend my free time in these spaces now. We need more third spaces.”
–Viola Liang, Manager, Rock Hard Boba
A Transfer of Power and Sorority Schism
In other news on campus, dear reader, you might have noticed that Deke Cane, quoted above, is referred to as president of Lambda Obscura. That is not a misprint. Leadership of the co-ed fraternity, analagous to our own Ravenclaw, if you will, has transferred from the venerable Ulric Merlin to Deke.
For his stalwart actions during several violent incidents, I personally can’t praise Ulric enough for facing grave danger to aid others in the time I’ve known him. Deke is cut from a similar cloth. Hence, Lambda will be in fine hands moving forwards. And if anyone deserves some precious downtime to rest and heal, it’s Ulric.
But it’s not just Lambda where changing times and a changing campus yield a changing social scene. There has been a split in the sorority as well. It has, for the most part, been amicable, owing to our growing reputation for promiscuity at Sigma Theta Noir. Most of us don’t mind it one bit: heck, we lean into it.
That being said, however, we also understand that not everyone feels the same…inclinations. Hence, we wish the sisters of the new Pi Delta Alpha sorority the best, and will look to collaborate with them on social events and other endeavors.
Note, however, the words MOSTLY amicable, because if science teaches one anything, it’s to avoid thinking, speaking, or writing in absolutes.
Hence, when not covering news, I seek to maintain the purview of my writing well above petty, small-minded gossip. Rather, I prefer broader, deeper, more interesting topics like sexuality, sociology, evolutionary psychology, and other sciences, and how they relate to our modern lives. That being said, I might be convinced to detail the exception to said amicable split in another column, if the topic draws enough interest.
Until then, dear reader, I’ll be out and about enjoying our lovely new campus.
