By: Crime Correspondent
Boris – not to be confused with any actual person, is, or rather was, the bear statue that lived outside the Pawn Shop in Hathian.
The Observer understands that a reward of $1,000 has now been offered for information leading to Boris’s safe return. Anyone able to bear witness, bear tidings, or otherwise help bear Boris back to his rightful place is encouraged to report to Pawn Shop staff.
Clues, sadly, were few and far between. Barely any, in fact. One grainy piece of CCTV appears to show one or two tall men loading Boris onto what can only be described as some kind of motorised bed, mobility bed, or mobility-scooter-bed, before bearing him away into the night. The footage is poor, the answers are fewer, and the entire situation is already becoming unbearable for the poor Pawn Shop staff bereft of their companion. One clue though, the men, wearing paper bags on their head had a distinctive t-shirt ‘Bully Me and I’ll Cum’. Not many men rock those; so perhaps you know who it is…
Is this a job for the Hopper PD? A matter for the HPD? Or is this one of those so-bare-it-hurts Hathian crimes that the public can solve perfectly well for itself, especially with a thousand dollars on offer?
For now, the Pawn Shop frontage remains bare, Boris remains at large, or at least no longer where he ought to be, and the city is left to bear the weight of yet another ridiculous theft. Our editor had a statue stolen from the museum she worked at, and a friend had a dick-candle stolen. The things people do in this city…
Should Boris be located, recovered, or otherwise sighted in the wild, do bear the news over to us at the Observer.
