By: Crime Reporter
Hathian is a place filled with the weird and the wonderful, so much so that it takes something truly exceptional to raise eyebrows in this town. A few nights ago, this reporter witnessed one of those moments.
What began as a quiet evening meal at the Flamin’ Cajun, a jambalaya and a beer to ease hunger and thirst, quickly descended into something far stranger. The food was excellent, the beer cold, and the service efficient. All was normal. Then Hathian did that thing and it wasn’t.
At approximately 6:00 p.m. a van pulled up outside the restaurant. Not just any van, but one seemingly driven straight out of a Scooby-Doo cartoon; the unmistakable ‘Mystery Machine’ piloted by two individuals wearing bags over their heads.
Moments later, chaos followed.
A man dressed as Shaggy, the costume at least three sizes too small, burst into the Flamin’ Cajun brandishing a revolver. He announced to startled patrons and staff, “ZoOoIiNKs YO… This is a robbery cabrons. No one move, no one get hurt.”
Adding to the surreal scene, a visibly drug-affected Daphne charged into the kitchen at Shaggy’s direction, offering a surprisingly committed impression while declaring, “Jeepers! I wonder what’s behind that door!”
The duo soon became a trio, joined by what may be the most provocatively dressed Scooby-Doo this reporter has ever seen. Scooby proceeded to ransack shelves and cupboards in search of “Scooby Snacks.”
At first, restaurant owner Denise DeMarco, like myself, assumed this was some kind of high-spirited student prank. That assumption quickly evaporated upon noticing the weapons carried by the so-called Scooby Gang.
Outside, acting as lookouts alongside the bag-headed drivers (demanding orders for food from their comrades inside), were Fred, complete with ascot, impossibly tight trousers, and a firearm and Velma, who appeared more interested in mischief (or turning tricks – Ed) than mystery-solving.
Inside the chaos was only getting worse.
Upon finding the snacks she sought, Scooby exclaimed, “Rook ruys! Scooby snacks!” before dancing excitedly around the dining area. She climbed onto the table at my booth and attempted to feed this reporter a Scooby Snack personally.
During this time, Shaggy repeatedly warned Denise not to “do anything stupid” while shouting food orders back to Daphne in the kitchen. Displaying unexpected consideration for Scooby’s digestion, he added, “But no fucking frijoles, they give Scooby the toots something horrible.”
Scooby loudly disagreed. “Scooby toots are better than Shaggy sharts!”
The chaotic raid concluded with the theft of approximately $600 in cash, several bottles of alcohol, and multiple food orders. In a final attempt to defend her business, Denise attempted to deploy pepper spray, slipped, and fell face-first onto the restaurant floor as the perpetrators fled in the Mystery Machine leaving behind shaken patrons, an injured owner, and one of the strangest robberies Hathian has seen in recent memory.
Whether this was a one-off stunt or the beginning of a new criminal trend remains to be seen.
