By: Staff Reporter
Hathian’s most predictable law (gravity) met its least predictable one (Hopper logic) when HPD pulled over a bright-pink bumper car rolling down Main, (That was a normal sentence you expected to read today right?).
Our staff reporter was idling around on a street corner when Inspector Krystal O’Neil lit up the Crown Vic and chirped the siren at this runaway fairground ride, who we identified through long experience as one Lenore Hopper.
The ‘vehicle’ was, in fact, a carnival-grade electric dodgem with half a charge and zero plates. Its pilot was soon to be topless as she misunderstood ‘pull over’ as ‘pull off,’ unfurling her bikini top on a bat like a victory pennant. When told this was not a race, Hopper counter-offered the bemused Detective Inspector. We distinctly were on the side of ‘do it, do it!’ as Lenore suggested a race where the winner would lead the topless loser back down the street, chanting “SHAME, SHAME”, all very Game of Thrones (which suits Hathian right?). O’Neil, alas, declined the challenge.
Officer Lilura Gausman arrived, and the stop turned from novelty to paperwork. The Hopper surrendered what appeared to be a hand-drawn ‘license’ which a photo slipped to us shows stated that “Lenore the incredible is allowed to drive any vehicle in Hahtian (sic) Perish (sic)” and offered the cops a warm beer from under the seat… O’Neil kept a straight face and asked for registration and insurance.
Gausman chalked a field-sobriety line on the asphalt; the Hopper gazelled along it, complaining of boredom while re-securing her top for the traumatized masses who were beginning to gather. The Detective Inspector finally handed over a citation. $1,000 apparently and informed the driver the dodgem would be towed. Lenore tucked the ticket into her bra and beamed like she’d won a prize.
Crowd Control: Hopper Style
Enter Josie Hopper and a male companion, who wandered into the mix as Gausman wrote a second citation. The male then started singing while Josie leaned into the chaos, teasing Gausman and earning the kind of look that turns into fines (that our Editor knows all about). The officer itemized with quite some pleasure it appeared to us: Interfering, Harassment, Public Nudity, Disturbing the Peace, Noise (Lenore is loud!)
Sergeant Koh Gausman arrived with a baton and that particular smile Hoppers seem to collect like parking tickets. He advised Josie to ‘run along,’ while Lenore, now defending her ‘sister’ promised peace if everyone put their egos and batons away. O’Neil, satisfied nobody was actively becoming roadkill, released the trio with a last nudge to the male who had some wound on his hand. The pink dodgem, however, earned a flatbed ride
The Observer’s Editor adds:
Public service announcement: If your “car” still takes tickets at the fair, it’s not street legal.
No arrests; two citation targets and $4k of income for the HPD’s ‘buy Vanora clothes’ fund. It remains unclear whether Krystal will add the pink dodgem to the fleet, but it might well go with a few of the officers under her command. The Hoppers left under their own power, promising to ‘save the city’and lived to argue (and sometimes fight) another day.
This was one of those stops that looks like slapstick from thirty feet and like a stress ulcer from three. Credit where it’s due: O’Neil kept it measured, Gausman stayed prolific with the pen, Koh kept the stick holstered. And the rest of us got the photo you’ll be talking about all week: a cop car versus a carnival ride, because Hathian insists on being Hathian.
