By: Daiyu Tang
Sometimes people walk through the door of the Observer with a story of woe. Sometimes they come seeking blood (unfortunately sometimes mine). Sometimes they have a long and interesting idea for an investigation.
Sometimes they want to sell you pills to make your sex life better (among other claims). Dear reader, today we’re dealing with that kinda article. But beneath the tawdry claims of the pill-pusher there was some really interesting backstory. So hold onto your coins (for now) and read a bit before you decide whether to trust Vlad with your hard earned (lol) Hathian cash.
Vlad is a businessman… and… quite probably more. As our interview will cover…
Pivyet!
There’s probably a joke that involves a Russian (or there abouts) walking into a newspaper office. It probably involves there not being a newspaper office in the first place. But I digress against the curtailment of journalistic freedoms. It’s bad enough in Hathian without worrying about elsewhere.
I don’t have any Russian (or Ukrainian or for example Kazakh) colleagues at the Observer so I was unable to quite distinguish where exactly Vlad was from. He referred to the ‘Old Country’ which is what I thought the Italians said if they were in the Mafia. Still, in this instance I took it to mean Russia, but don’t hold me to that later.
“I am Vlad. I come to newspaper to talk about work, da. I am hear rumor, about article that you write. I am want to be in it. I am also want to publish advertisement, for the vitamins that I am selling on the side.”
Vlad
So, it’s true we’re running our series on Hathian Alternative Spirits. I wasn’t quite sure a man in a formal suit quite qualified. But then again, judging people on their looks is entirely the point of the series – it’s wrong. So I entertained him and dug a little more and after a few introductory remarks we continued:
Vlad: “Da, Miss Tong. I am happy meet you. I am Vladislav Kovac. I was Mayor of Village, then I was Village Elder and Mayor. I also firefighter. And Hunter. I use to hunt foxes and bears. Good hunt. But one day, I hunt and I shoot a person. I bury him in woods, and tell nobody… …. …. Haha. I joke…”
Observer: “So… besides from joking about murder. Haha? Then can you perhaps say how long you’ve been here and how you got here? I don’t think I remember you, but of course I don’t know everyone here!”
Vlad: “Then next day I buy ticket to US of A, and come here, to this gem of civilization. Very good city. Reminds me of home. The stench if piss and desperation are very much like those in the old country. This was six years ago, da. I am is also marry a woman in here. Very lovely woman. My babushka not like her, thinks that redheads are soulless and will burn in hell. I am is also meet great new people in town. Like that police officer Krystalina, you know the mexican one. Not her fault. I like her very much. Or that French cop, the scary one, with the brown hair. She knows how to punch in guts. Luckily, I wore dark pants… Oh and I’ve been here, maybe six years… “
Observer: “Right… but uhh… you’ve been a mayor you said? Have you ever thought about running for it here? Our current Mayor is useless…”
Vlad: “I voted for that mayor. But alas, he did like the old mayor. He over-promised and under-delivered on his promise. I had connections, with one of the former Labor union bosses, Allie Morgath, and the dumb fuck messed that up for everybody. We could have been rich… also I am is remember Vanora. I am know she’s goth and nymphomaniak. I am is not mind if she does things to me.“
But What About the Products?
This was a rather explosive interview of semi-facts, statements and then name drops. Of course Krystal was a Mexican one. She was a taco-stuffer. Thick filled Tacos all-the-time. It seemed Vlad did indeed at least know her.
Observer: “So could you perhaps tell us a bit about your product then? What is it that you are selling and what does it do? Where do you get it from in Hathian?”
Vlad: “My products very good vitamins. Vladimins – 3000 – X-treme! Good for health, other things as well. They also lift up male potency. Very good product. I have sample, if you interested.”
Observer: “Vladamins?”
Vlad: “It’s not a date-rape drug… But maybe if someone did spike drink, then they have good time after. Gooder time, even. It gives power and stamina, da. It makes you so strong that you can lift the GPD, Thor’s hammer, Kozloduy, lift copper wires, cars. Even lift yourself by the bootstraps! Have staminas as much as a horse. Very good product. It’s not only about testosterone. But, can help lift it. It has the approval of Samir, a satisfied costumer. And Doctor Vlado said that it’s good. It’s food supplement, so no need to involve the FTC, FDA or the CDC or peta or AEC. They can buy it from me. I deliver, like door-dash and Temu.”
Well dear reader… there you go. What an oddity! Well, we are not recommending these vitamins, but if you want the free sample that I was left with, please write in. Otherwise it’s going straight over to Taco and Nympho for disposal! Honestly… sometimes people really do think of the weirdest products!
