Hatin’ Your Man’s Mistress? Check Again

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"....I know I'm doing my little part to help their relationship."

Hey Hathian! Boy do I got a scoop for you this week! This reporter met a girlie outside the police precinct and I stopped her to get a story, well, honestly just to get a good look at her! The girl was fine like fine silks, smooth skinned and looking healthy as shit, long blond soft hair and assets enough to close the banks yo! But dudes, she got some lessons for our girlies out there on how to make a man happy. So I broke out my notepad and pen and wrote that shit down. So according to this diva that prefers I only call her ‘Mistress’ in the article, this fine thing that made me wanna buy a fake ID asap? She says this, and listen up girlies, she’s got some advice comin’ your way:

#1. “..let your man have a proper mistress. It ain’t easy to find one, but a proper mistress will always come in handy with a wife’s husband. I’ll tell you why… mistresses listen..and aren’t judgmental. They aren’t there to bicker back and forth about the bills, the kids, the marriage’s sex life…Mistresses are there to just listen and smile. Wives have the awful job of taking care of their husbands 24/7, while a mistress is there only to stress relieve. However, if a wife lets her man have a mistress…he comes home to them at night stress free and ready to get a little romantic.”

#2. “…have a mistress, though a good one..not just some floozy bitch that..in the end…wants to steal the man for herself..that ain’t who I’m preaching to.”

#3. “…Another thing, wives need to loosen up. I got this one guy right now..and he loves his wife to death, but she won’t stop nagging him about their relationship. They always fight about her drinking, or his cheating, but after a stressless night with me… he is ready to be faithful to his wife again and is genuinely happy.”

#4 “… [Wives] need to realize when their men are really trying, and after a session with me..I can kick a guy’s ass back into shape with his wife…just by spending a few hours with him.”

#5. “… this is important too..a wife cannot be a mistress…. she can’t because she is too involved with her husband. If they got kids, like the guy I’m with right now, or bills that are in both of their names..such as a house..that adds drama and stress to the relationship. They can’t truly put all the stressful bullshit aside for a quiet evening, because in the end..it’s in the back of their minds, all their real life stresses..and it completely ruins the relationship. That’s why wives need to let their husbands have mistresses. Let their husbands have a non committed mistress on the side to take all their frustration out on, and who won’t steal them from their wives, and then go home to their partners and be a lot less wrapped up in the everyday struggles..’cause they took it out on their mistresses instead of their wives.”

The “Mistress” then went on to tell this reporter that quote, “Personally, and you can put this in there, I love seeing my guy that I’m with go home at the end of the night to his wife..and I love seeing them at public functions, or just out on the street together because I know they are trying to still be together..and I know I’m doing my little part to help their relationship.”

She also admitted she was very good at what she does, and when asked by this reporter if relationships and marriage was just a waste of time she responded, quote “I don’t think it’s a waste of time, I just think people have the wrong idea about [Mistresses]. Like, girls think if their husbands have a mistress, that bitch is only trying to steal their men..it ain’t like that, we’re just helping.” Then went on to say, quote “As for me, I like to think marriage is a way for people to fully commit to each other..it is hard and a wife’s job is incredibly more difficult than that of their husband’s mistress…because they deal with the cooking, cleaning, kids, work, bills…I just think..well damn..whenever I think about it..which drives me more to help guide that stress into a good romp rather than a slap across some poor wife’s face.”

So when you be gettin’ all uppity in your man’s face about him with this girl that you saw, his hand on her ass, think about this: it could be worse, he could be beating the shit out of you.

And that Hathianers, is a Win-Win.

Reporting for the Observer,
Youth Reporter Michiaki Yamaguchi.

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